Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

Ok, an anedocte that happened to me in the end of last year. I decided to spend my vacations with my parents. My mother has several health and mobility issues, so I thought I could take my laptop and do some work.
So I was there, caregiver of my mother.
BUT my sister-in-law got a temporary job and started leaving her two daughters at my parents house, two angels of six and four years.
So I was there, caregiver of my mother and sitter of two girls.
I promisse all those barbies and nail polish didn't hurt my masculinity.
A week laker, the cat appeared with a leg injuried. Rush to the vet, she said not to worry, he just fought another cat or dog.
"Here, twice a day give him these pills and aply this cream."
So I was there, caregiver of my mother, sitter of two girls and nurse of a cat.
Do you think I got any work done?
A coda:
I asked the vet how could I give pill to the cat. She said it was easy, Just mix with a food he likes, and he will swallow it.
I got a small strip of ham and wrapped up the pill on it.
The *beeeeppp* pet unwrapped it, ate the ham and left the pill.
I was all "Oh, yeah? You ancestors were licking their butts, mine were discovering the fire. You're still licking your butt. Let's see who wins."
I got a tiny chunk of cheese, bury the pill inside it, gave to the cat.
"Unwrap it now, you freak."
He ate around the pill.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead

No jokes from me...apparently I'm not that creative! But laughing like crazy reading yours!

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting in my nose

To get rid of unwanted junk this holiday season, simply put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.

A man says to his new girlfriend: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
"Well," she replies, "You succeeded."

Q: Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms?
A: To be sure, to be sure



Say it with an Irish accent. :)

Heavy rains and floods were forecast and everyone in town was preparing to evacuate except Joe. Joe's neighbor had his car packed and was leaving. "Joe," he said, "You better get out of here. This whole place is going to be flooded!" 
"No," Joe said. "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
So the neighbor drove off and the rain started and soon the first floor of Joe's house was underwater. Two men in a rowboat saw Joe in a second story window and rowed over. "Mister, you better come with us or you'll be drowned. There's room for one more in our boat."
"No," Joe said.  "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
The men rowed away and it rained even harder, and before long the second floor of Joe's house was underwater.   Joe was sitting on the roof when a Coast Guard rescue ship approached him. "Come on, Mister," the captain yelled, "Get on board or you'll be killed by the floodwaters!"  
"No," Joe said.  "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
The Coast Guard left, and the rain continued to pour down until the only thing left visible above water was Joe straddling the chimney. A helicopter hovered down and dropped a rope ladder. "Come on, buddy, climb up to safety.  It's your last chance!"
"No," Joe said.  "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
 The helicopter flew off, and the rain continued to fall and Joe and his house were completely consumed by the deluge. The house washed away and Joe drowned.
As he stood before the Lord he said, "Lord, I trusted in you and yet you let me drown! Why?"
"Well," said the Lord, "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

"I gave up jogging for health reasons.
My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."

An elderly couple goes to their favourite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.

When the lady goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…”
 
The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”

Read more funny jokes: https://short-funny.com/marriage-wife-husband-jokes-3.php#ixzz5WXYxmV1F

My new liquid diet is fantastic, after four glasses of wine I don't care how much I weigh.

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on tv. Apparently it's unacceptable in bowling.

Our monthly newsletter from Sunnybuns Nudist Club ran an article on the elections and reported a clear swing to the right.

Two ladies talking about their husbands:
One says Ah call my husband "Elephant man" cos he's hung like a big trunk
The other says, well I call my man "Tia Maria",
To which the first replies, Tia Maria? Are you kidding me? Ain't that some kind of fancy liquer.
To which the other replied, it sure is!

“Honey what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?” 
– 
“Your sense of humour.”

This is a bit early but hey! So are the shops. lol

There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

What are the three worst words a person can hear while making love?

"Honey, I'm home"

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...
But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

A woman needs an Elder Lawyer, so she goes on line and finds the firm of Steinberg, Steinberg, Steinberg and Steinberg. She calls and an old man answers the phone.
"May I speak to Mr. Steinberg, please?" she asks.
"I'm sorry," the old man says, "Mr Steinberg is in court today."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
"Mr Steinberg is playing golf and won't be back until two."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
"Mr Steinberg retired a year ago and is no longer with the firm."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
The old man says, "Speaking."

Two nuns having a bath together to save water.
One asks "Where's the soap?
And the other replied, "It does, doesn't it."

Don't worry my sister told me this one when I was about seven and it took me years to get it! The next one took a long time too!!!!

Two nuns riding a tandem took a short cut down a steep cobbled road.
The one at the front said, "I have never come this way before."
And the one behind her said "Neither have I."

How does Mario Andretti's mother know which are her son's underwear?


By the skid marks,,,, :-(

President Trump goes to London to visit the Queen of England.
While they were riding in the Queen's golden carriage, one of the horses was suffering from flatulence and the Trump tried to hold his breath because the smell was terrible. This happened several times and the POTUS was visibly having trouble breathing.
The Queen noticed his discomfort and said " I am most awfully sorry about the unpleasant odor."
To which he replied "No problem your Highness, I thought it was the horses."

Poor taste warning, read AYOR

A man is out jogging when he stops to pay respects to a funeral procession.
At the front was a man walking a large dog, followed by the hearse and then a lot of people walking in single file.
Intrigued he asked the man with the dog to explain the strange entourage.
Well, said the guy, this is my dog and he killed my mother in law who is in the hearse.
Wow, said the jogger, could you lend me your dog?
Of course, the man replied, but you will have to join the line of people walking behind the hearse and wait for your turn.

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday.
We have 245 tiles.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

A young lady marries an ornery old farmer thinking of all the land he will leave her when he dies. She bought him the horse and cart he asked for as a wedding present. After the wedding they were riding in the cart back to the farm when the horse farted. "First warning!" growled the old farmer and they continued their journey. Once again the horse farted and the old farmer growled "Second warning!" About twenty minutes later, the horse farted again and the old farmer growled "Third warning!" then got down from the cart and shot the horse dead. The young lady was shocked and angry and said "That was my present and you should not have shot the poor horse!" The old man growled back at her, "First warning!"

An old man with four sons died and after the funeral his sons were carrying the coffin on their shoulders out of the chapel to the graveyard. As they were leaving the chapel the youngest son, Charlie, tripped on the steps and stumbled to his knees causing the coffin to crash heavily to the ground where the lid sprang open and the body rolled out and the old man opened his eyes and awoke from his eternal rest. It's a miracle enthused the chaplain and all gave praise to God for his mercy.
The old man lived on for another six years until he died for the second time.
After the funeral as his sons where once again carrying the coffin out of the chapel three voices rang out in unison, "Mind the steps, Charlie!"

An old lady walks into a sex shop and asks for a dildo.
The attendant patiently asks what type of dildo she wants because they come in many different sizes and colors.
I want that red one exclaims the old lady, rather breathlessly.
!What" exclaimed the surprised shop assistant "that is a fire extinguisher"
and the old lady replied "Yes, exactly!"

Loving it thanks.