Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Emjo-Good luck on the diet. If this IUD works, I plan to change some eating habits starting in March. Until then, the shot I'm on adds weight each year and there's no fighting it. I liked your nar. jokes, but they made me sad, too.
Hope you here something soon Cmag about your wife's results.
notlike - I do like the phrase hoovering in - it works. Glad you are seeing the big picture. It is an ongoing game. I have experienced exactly the same thing. Sometimes mother is "nice" for a while, but it is all part of manipulation. The nasty comes back soon enough.
Mother - re her birthday in May is still sending emails out with the same requests to many, and also some misunderstandings etc.Fortunately my nephew, in her city, is a sensible man and in touch with what is going on and helping me sort out the confusion. I know from past experience this will just escalate until the event happens - another 4 months is lots of time for her to do her thing,.and create maximum chaos and excitement.
Talking about drugs I am trying to get off one - well only vitamin B3 for slighly high blood fats- by changing my eating habits so I eat very low carb and calories a couple of days a week and moderately the rest of the time. This regime - if followed properly - lowers weight, blood sugar, blood fats, blood pressure and a number of other things that benefit health. Wish me luck. It is supposed to lower leptin levels (the hunger hormone) too, and seems to be working so far, but it is early.
Hope everyone had a decent day. cmag you and your wife are still in my prayers. I gather you may get news of the biopsy soon.
love and hugs
jo
Our oldest always helped the most. The youngest was extremely difficult to get going in that direction. I think part of it was his ADD which we discovered very late and his mom would not back me up in pushing him for they are much closer than the oldest an her are. While there was a point where the two were somewhat enmeshed, I got him into therapy and did Tae Kwon Do with him which helped. Our oldest was old enough to really see things when she was going through the toughest part of her journey about her mother issues and began distancing himself from her. At that point, I had to play both dad and mom, plus I tried to be therapist with each boy. Those were extremely rough years! We tried to give them as normal a family as was possible at that time, but my wife has been the healthiest she's ever been since 2005. I started learning how not to get hoovered into her stuff back in 2002. Until then, I just endured. I've been working on my issues about that since 2002 in therapy and once I changed to a different therapist in 2005 really got to work on my family of origin of issues which focused on almost exclusively on mom. My very first therapist mainly helped me with much needed boundaries at that time, but for various reasons I did not continue with her. She did tell me that I would eventually see what my mom had done to me, would become very angry about it, and hoped that I could forgive her. Sometimes, I want to go back to her just to tell her how far that I have come. It has been good, however, to have a male therapist for the rest of my family of origin journey.
We have thought about asking our oldest to come home one weekend to help with things and give him some extra money for doing so. He lives only an hour away.
I learned about the hoovering concept from a book on stop walking on eggshells. The more you detach and fewer times that you get hoovered in, the stronger you will become. Plus, you will become more perceptive as to when she or anyone for that matter is trying to hoover you into their manipulation game. I've found my gut feels it before my head figures it out and I've had to learn to trust it, plus at first just get back in touch with my own feelings at first.
I'm glad to give you and others support. I feel like I'm still making some difference in the world when what I say is helpful. :)
I am working on not being hoovered. What a visual! I think I am going to get plenty of practice until her time comes. I know I won't always be strong enough to keep her from hurting me, but I am trying. And trying to support and help my Dad, too. The support I get from you all is worth everything to me.
I'm glad that I see my new psych later this month before my next appointment with the one I'm about to kiss off.
I am sick and tired of waiting for Mom to blow up. I know it will happen, and I feel like a hypocrite for trying to be nice to her. She spent all day yelling at Dad about the funeral thing we went to yesterday. He didn't tell me all of it, but it's classic "What did people say about me?" and "What did you tell people about why I wasn't there?" BS. I keep waiting for her to say something to me, too, because I went, but she hasn't. I don't know which is worse - her being mad at me or me waiting for her to be mad at me! I supose I should take the good while I can, but I just don't feel that way. Not after the way she's treated me for the last few months. I don't believe her being nice is real. I think it's just her way of lulling me so she can snap at me when I least expect it. It's very frustrating.
Good night all.
Actually, I seem to be much better today, thanks. I went out in the cold, cold, Artic chill and got groceries and have been cooking since. Ready for bed now. You got that right - my song will be "So Long, it's been good to know ya!" I don't know why everything has to be a drama but it does. Maybe to draw attention to themselves as their need to be the center of the universe is huge.
Jessie and Brandy - how are you doiing?
Jon - would really like to hear how you gained immunity
cmag - prayers for you both ongoing
I read some jokes about narcissists the other day. - here are a few. We can always use a laugh.
What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"?
Answer: Not being able to boss everyone else about
What is a narcissist's idea of equality?
Answer: Being equally bossy to everyone else
What is a narcissist's idea of being abused? (my mother for sure)
Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences
Have a good night.
emjo- I can see what you're saying about the Rockies trip every day here with Mom. There is so much she could be enjoying and just won't. it's such a shame. Sorry you are still feeling sick! Get better soon. I'll bet you'll be singing "glad it's over" instead of Happy Birthday. Why does everything have to be such a drama? Some of us really don't need or want that. Yet we are supposed to fix it. You are very wise and I know you've worked hard to be detached. Hugs.
Jessie- thinking of you, girl! So glad you found this site. Hugs.
Enough for me tonight. bath,then bed.
Lots of drugs for sure, cmag. Heavy ones from the psychiatrist,.that could affect weight and sleep. I am on an low dose antidepressant for fibromyalgia and end up cutting up pills as a dose between the two lowest ones works best. If I take more I can't sleep. Periodically I try less, but it hasn't worked so far.
It seems most of us should be taking Vit D. A warning for you about Zyrtec - people can have some bad withdrawal symptoms coming off it. I did. Eventually, with careful weaning I got off it, but it took a couple of months at least.
Ten medicines sounds like a lot for anybody. It would even be a chore to take them! I don't know what they are all for, but I guess if your doctor prescribed them, he/she must have known why. I am never afraid to question the logic of doctors, though. Even the best ones can over-prescribe at times.
hugs and prayers
There has to be some interaction between all the drugs you are on and also side effects. Most antidepressants cause weight gain, and the lethargy likely is a side effect.
prayers
" I'm getting better at not feeling that way, but it's not easy. She makes it sound so logical her way and there's no arguing with her."
.
Oh yes, The rings a bell! Everything sounds so logical, but if you step back, and look at the bigger picture, it isn't.
jessie - too - It isn't you, it is them, but we are so conditioned from childhood to think it is our fault and that we are responsible for their happiness.
jonath - welcome and please do share with us how you became immune. I am sure it took some work. Good for you for staying on your own path in life. What is a whole woman anyway? We can talk physical, emotional etc. I have known some people who were not physically or mentally whole. but were emotionally whole.
brandy (((((hugs)))) I know it is hard with your own pain, your husband's decline, and your mum and then a bossy sister on top of that. Hope you find some ways to make it easier for you and draw some boundaries with your sis and mum. It must drag you down.
We are in the throes of mother and my sister (main gopher - her turn this time) organizing a birthday party for mother, and mother asking 3 people to do the same thing, but not informing the others. It ends up with confusion and hurt feelings. I have seen this before, so did some checking with a relative and we are sorting one part out behind the scenes. I have had 5 emails today with variations of the same request (demand) and more will come. Thankfully, I am detached. And all of this has to be done immediately, if not sooner. I have flu, and an infection and get coughing spells, so this is not a good time for me to be on the phone much. I haven't even mentioned it because things like that don't sink in. - the way it always has been.
My theme song is "I will survive!"
love and hugs everyone ♥
jo
Mom will come into the kitchen and sit facing away from us. When she's in a mood, which is most of the time, she answers with only a word or two. I had set some cookies on the counter, then saw them later in the garbage. I asked her "Didn't you want the cookies?" her response was "I threw them away, didn't I?" When I said that I was asking because I was wondering why she didn't want them, I was told that's not what I actually said, and I could see that she didn't want them because she had thrown them away. Needles to say, I won't be buying anymore cookies for her. I didn't bake the cookies, package them, or even pick them out (Dad did), so I know it wasn't me. But in the heat of the moment, I thought I was stupid for asking her wrong. I'm getting better at not feeling that way, but it's not easy. She makes it sound so logical her way and there's no arguing with her.
If I say something to her about it, she will say "I'm just not a morning person." But I know she is not a morning, afternoon, evening, or night person. She is just a mean and spiteful woman. How she got that way, I don't know. I'm sorry she never chose to deal with it, and expected everyone else to make special allowances for her.
My mother controls with her mood. "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." And mom is never happy. notlikemom, you are so right that it is not us.
Brandy-hugs to you. I too feel like I can do no right, only wrong. Learning to realize that I really am RIGHT, and what's wrong with me is that I'm not mean and nasty like her. Trust you instincts. I think you are perfect just the way you are. And a wonderful person for doing what you are doing. More hugs.
Cmag-please keep us posted. Continued prayers.
JinO-Good to meet you. Your wife sounds like a lucky lady. I think that's the best kind of relationship-where both people realize how lucky they are to have found each other. Would you please explain how you became immune to your family's dysfunction? Would like to know more about your journey.
Mom's turned on Dad again this week. It hurts to see him being the whipping boy. I don't know how or why he continues this over and over.
While not as bad as either my or my wife's family or origin, we had our own dysfunctionalism as a result of what we went through despite the fact that we each wanted better for our boys. However, before each left home my wife had made significant progress with her mother issues and I've made a lot of progress. Thus, we feel closer together and will be better parents for our adult children who are in college.
We are back home from my wife's biopsy. The procedure was not as bad as my wife expected. We might learn the results as early as Wed. Thanks for your prayers. I will keep you updated.