I'm young and taking care of my Grandmother, and I don't want to end up resenting my mom. How do I deal with this?

I just feel guilty, cause I know my mom can't help it. We're going to try and persuade my Grandma into moving again soon. But if she says no, I don't know what I'm going to do. I just wish this didn't sound so selfish, because I know if my mom had another option, we would do it. I just wish I didn't have to do it. I want to help, but it's just difficult.

Here is my opinion, Allie, and that is all it is. Fulltime caregiving of a bi-polar elder with other medical problems is NOT an appropriate position for a 20-year-old woman to be in, no matter how caring and loving she is. This is the appropriate time for furthering your education, participating in activities where you will meet others your age, dating and learning what is important to you in a life partner, earning your own way, figuring out how to budget, increasing your earning power. You will not be able to get these years of your life back.

I get the impression this is supposed to be 24/7 for you. Sorry, bad idea. Some hours, yes. Your life, no. Did I misunderstand? Do you go out to school or a job during the day? Do you have some evenings for a social life?

I think your mom and dad are in a tight spot. They really want grandma to be looked after, they can't do it themselves, and they can't think of other solutions. They mean well and I am not criticizing them. But I really think another solution is necessary.

I think your grandmother's situation should be evaluated by a medical social worker. If grandma needs 24/7 care, or even if she needs some assistance, Social Services will know what resources are available to help. You may be able to help with the paperwork, for example applying for Medicaid. And if Social Services determines that she does not need help at this time, and she does not want help, accept that.

Your grandmother is in her seventies, right? How long are you supposed to put your life on hold? Until your parents retire in 10 or 15 years? What is the long term plan here? Because Grandmother is not going to get better and suddenly need less help than she does now.

My heart goes out to you Allie, and to your parents, and to your grandmother. Please bring in an objective professional to help you sort out your options.

It is no one's fault that Grandma is physically and mentally ill and not a pleasant person. That is true. But all options should be explored for keeping her safe. Putting off starting your independence for years to do it yourself is not a good option, in my opinion, I don't know how you could avoid being resentful.

She's been like this for a very long time, it is just getting worse as time goes on. The problem if I went home, is that she won't call us if she needs anything. That was what started all this in the first place. We can't trust her to be honest about anything. And thank you so much, I'm trying.

I'm sorry. You are so very young to deal with this and I admire the love & respect you have for your mom. Has your grandmother always been this way or is it something new? My dad lived 50 miles away from us too. He refused to move near us, although I took him to all his dr appointments & more. Dad always fought me on going to the dr, taking his medication & having any in home health care. There was no changing his mind. Your best is good enough in this situation. Good luck to you. Your mom & grandma are blessed to have you in their lives!

I have talked to my mom, but it's still so hard. Our home is over 50 miles away. We don't know how to get her to move, She just completely refuses. I will definitely look into a support group somewhere. That's also why I joined this, I thought it would help me deal with everything, cause this is a lot for me.

Talk to your Mom. Have a conversation, don't assume she knows how you feel. Maybe there is an option that could get you more help, or have your grandmother live elsewhere? It's hard to be a caretaker, especially for an ungrateful person.

Another idea is to look for a support group for caregivers in your community. Try a local hospital, and see if they have one. Many do. There, you'll find people who can share their strategies for dealing with people, like your grandmother, who don't believe they need care.

I am sending good vibes to all of you, but specially to you and your Mom.