I contacted this forum a few months ago about feeling guilty about my mum going into a care home at 101 years old. Thoughts?

Ok my situation is very similar to yours. I’m 74, husband 77 mom in care at age 99. I visit twice a week and I feel guilty that I don’t go more often. My husband also gets upset if I say I want to visit more. Here’s my take from many years of looking after mom’s needs and trying to keep her life happy after my dad died. My husband is right to draw my attention to the fact that my guilt and fear are not healthy and at our age he wants me to be well as my mother’s time is limited. We don’t have that many good years ourselves to enjoy our life. I could get sucked into the caregiving guilt hole easily if I did not have someone step up and show me that what I’m doing is not good for me. I’ve suffered from bouts of serious anxiety about my mother and that is not healthy. Sometimes we need someone who cares to be firm about the importance of our self care because we are so tired and cannot do it ourselves. I suspect your husband is concerned s as bout your long term well being and not just worried about himself

Living in each others' pockets is not always beneficial for harmonious relationships. Having outside interests and time for self is healthy - perhaps you could coordinate your visits for when hubby is doing his own thing (bowls, reading, out in the shed...).
If he has no such diversion, maybe it's time to start making enquiries and droppping a few hints...
I know that when my mum died, dad was like a severed limb and never really recovered - they did EVERYTHING together and this became a stumbling block for him.
If visiting your mother brings you comfort and pleasure, pursue it (in moderation) or you may find resentment building after she has gone. In that respect time may run out for other reasons!

I would do what makes you happy but also recognize that you need to live your life with your husband. As you have more time now, I would think you would want to go out and enjoy yourselves, especially after caring for her for two and half years.

I know many people who provided full time care to someone that still spent all of their time with them when they moved to a care home. I think sometimes the guilt or the desire to be needed keeps them going back every free moment, rather than enjoying the freedom while knowing your loved one is well cared for.

I am with your husband, time to make him your priority.

When would be a good time to devote to your HUSBAND and your MARRIAGE? Your mother is 101, you've cared for her for years already, you already go see her twice a week, and you're now here asking for validation to do 'whatever you want' vs. taking your husband's needs & wants into consideration. Time WILL run out for you both if you're not careful!

I'm with your husband. It's his turn now and visiting mum twice a week is plenty. If you wanted to see her more than that, why did you place her to begin with?

My husband put up with 10.5 years of me having to deal with 2 elderly parents; he had to move them 7 times, go back and forth to hospitals with me, rehabs, doctors, specialists, etc etc. He is tired from all of my involvement over the past decade and is entitled to have me to himself now. And no, he was never 'jealous' of the time I devoted to my folks, just weary of the whole scenario.

Your mother 'only wanting you' and her relationship with your husband never having been a good one should make you stop and think how lopsided your efforts seem to be; in HER favor! When's it his turn? Think about it, and try to see where HE is coming from in the big picture.

Good luck.

Alva asks the key question: is this about your visiting more often generally, or about your being reluctant ever to venture outside routine?

If you wanted to go away for a week or two, for example, and never can because of visiting, then I'd suggest asking the staff for support and I'm sure they'll make a special fuss of her to make up for missed visits. I don't want to be alarmist about it or bully you, but I have to tell you that my cousin was restricted for years in what she and her partner could do together. Her mother passed away, they had five years or so after that, but then he died unexpectedly and she had only just retired from work. They do say "it's later than you think."

But in the end it's also true that you can't please everyone, and I can't think it's reasonable for your husband to ration your time with your mother. Don't get pulled in two by either party - decide for yourself what you're happy with.

You should do what you feel is right for you.

You gave your mom your undivided attention for 2 1/2 years in your home, plus your mum has lived her life, so now yes it should be your time with your husband, as neither of you are getting any younger. I think you owe him that much after he allowed a woman who you admitted didn't much care for him, to live in his house for over 2 years.
Now unless your marriage is on shaky ground anyway and seeing your mum is just an excuse to not spend time with him, well that's a whole other issue huh?

For you to do WHAT exactly?
Are you refusing a trip, a cruise, something he wants to do with you that entails travel? If so, I am on his side 100%. Your Mom is in care, and you should be able to leave to do a bit of travel, and etc.
However, if your husband cannot spare you from the home for a few hours several times a week I am worried for HIM. He should not need you shadowing his every move. I am 80. I often leave to do something my partner doesn't care to do--tomorrow it is the remarkable Bouquets to Art at the Museum here, an annual event that is crowded and "too much" for him. He often goes to do work with rescue dogs, training and etc. Or to shoot arrows. You and hubby aren't joined at the hip.
I am surprised that now that Mom is in good placement hubby,who must have SOOOOOOOO much more from you than he once had, is trying to micromanage your moves.
I would simply tell him that you WILL be going AT LEAST twice a week when you both in the area, and he will just have to find a way to entertain himself for a few hours. That you appreciate his concern but are a big girl capable of your own decisions.
All this is to say I don't get it. But sure do wish you both the best of luck.