You make the best decision you can. How do you "sell it" to your parents?

"The doctor says that you need to go to AL in order to get stronger. We'll reevaluate with the doctor in 3 months"

^^^^What Barb said ^^^^

I throw my Moms doctor under the bus constantly.

Thanks. I've used the "you need to get stronger" argument a couple of weeks ago, and I thought I had it all settled. Nope. The thing is, Mom could go home - with home health - but she's willing to go to AL so they can be together. I dance around the issue that it's Dad that's holding them back, but that's the truth.

dminor; I hate to say this, but when you've got a parent with dementia, the truth is NOT your friend.

At 87, mom's days of being stable "at home" even with some home health coming in are probably numbered. My mom was MUCH better off in a facility with lots of activities and socialization and varied food than she was when she was at home with an aide coming in.

I had to blame it on my moms broken hip. she was my dads primary caregiver. but he had ALZ and she just wasn't able to do it anymore. plus they were up in age...

it was very awkward at times, cause the main reason was the dementia for both of them. there was a long adjustment time...

my dad passed away after 4 years in AL. my mom still there. she doesn't talk any more about going home. shes been there since 2011. but the beginning was HARD. each day was a pinch closer to having them forget how it used to be. (home)

im glad they went to AL when they did.

edit sometimes I would just have to walk away to the hallway or into the little kitchen area. act like I didn't hear. and then for the moment they forgot what theyd just asked.

I agree with Barb. They wouldn't be able to live safely at home, it sounds like, at least not for very long. And the socialization in the AL facility would be very good for them both to keep from getting isolated like they might at home.

You might say something like, "I know you want to go back home, but we (you and your mom) love you and want to keep you safe, so we're getting your stuff moved to your apartment for you for a while. Mom's gonna be right there with you."

You'll probably have to repeat it a lot, at least until he gets settled in, but just keep reminding him, you and mom love him and want to keep him safe.

Emphasizing to your Dad that Mom needs some help taking care of him might work better - many elderly couples are more concerned about their partner than themselves, Also when dementia starts and the person is still so much like the person we have know all our lives, one of the things that drives some of our frustration is that we have these little logical discussions that do not close some issue. The reoccurring discussion is often dementia/anxiety driven. Your Dad is not really trying to give you a hard time or not accepting your explanation. Sounds like he is accepting in the moment, but then the unfamiliar situation increases his anxiety and the dementia brain that doesn't work as well anymore doesn't remember the discussion and so he starts it again, Our challenge as loving family members is to have that discussion for the twentieth time with the same love and understanding as the first time.

Perhaps it will help when you move him and he has his familiar furniture around him?

Hi,
Same issue with my mom, just try to redirect the conversation and I always say the doctor says you aren't strong enough yet. Dementia is tough, she can argue with me about going home ( which always makes me question my decision), but then she will ask me something we just talked about. Go with your gut, safety is key.

Hi,
As usual, I'm reading a lot about "my mom", but little about men- a totally different situation! My Dad is 92 and was just placed in hospice care. I've decided to move him from Independent Living into AL and I'm not sure how he'll react. When I moved him from Florida to his apartment close to me 2 years ago, he didn't handle it very well and got sick for a couple weeks after the move. He's very independent and stubborn. Just know that as hard as you try to talk about the move, I don't think they can process it. My dad asks over and over if there is a plan even though I talk to him about it everyday. I have a feeling that once he's in AL, he'll decline. It's a very hard thing to do but all I can say is that your judgement is still in tact, theirs is gone due to the dementia. Trust that your doing the right thing, even though you feel like your the worst person on earth for making the decisions for them. Best of luck to you!

I agree with the advice to say we will talk about this when you both get a bit stronger.
You are going there because the staff can help you with Mom.
The concern I might have is if your Dad's dementia is getting worse how long will he be able to stay in Assisted Living? Do they have Memory Care where they will be going? If so is it possible to arrange a place in Memory Care for both of them now rather than trying to move him again in 3, 5 or 8 months?
Your other option would be...
If their house is safe and they can both get around easily (no stairs) can you have caregivers come in to be with them? You may or may not need them all the time at this point (just based upon what your Dad needs) but later you may indeed need 24/7 help. And will the house have to be modified for accessibility?
You would have to weigh the cost of first Assisted Living then a move to Memory Care VS living at home paying caregivers, gas, electric, insurance, mortgage and all the rest of the stuff that goes with home ownership.
Also if they own you would be clearing out the house, selling what you can or dispersing it among family members then selling the house. (unless it would be kept).

I used "the doctor said" method.  I would bend the truth and say the doctor said you will have to stay here at least three more weeks so your condition can be watched over carefully.  By the end of that time she would no longer ask..


Dementia affects the patient and the loved ones as you know....Remind yourself that the folks no longer have  the ability to reason properly...Thus, it will help you to cope and you can change the subject (repeatedly) and suggest taking a walk outdoors or sit on the porch awhile...Perhaps most importantly is to realize that most of your explanations will not be understood or accepted.  Stop explaining.  Just say we'll see, no matter how difficult that will be.  It is not going to be steady-as-she-goes no matter what you do..

You have a very tough challenge.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Tell them they are going on vacation....& talk about all the fun activities

WELCOME TO THE CLUB!! - but let's think about it another way [which is how I keep on a level] & would you want to be 'forced' to live in another place with the decision taken out of your hands so try to think about it from your dad's view - I always said it was 'temporary until you are able to XXXX by doing YYYY' so that they don't lose spirit but continue to co-operate in rehabilitation - I said to my mom 'until your hand is better by doing exercise' so we all do it

That being said don't fall for the guilt game/trip because you are doing the best you can so if you can look yourself in the bathroom mirror & know that this is the optimum outcome for them then take a kleenex a say into it 'guilt be gone' then flush it down the toilet - then step forward with a new sense of purpose & DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOUR PARENTS - that doesn't mean that they will always like it but then we all wish we were young with no worries, pain, etc too & wanting things is not the same as getting what you want

As dementia goes further you will need to make same choices as you would for a 8 then 6 then 3 years old ... been there & doing that myself for my mom who is 92 going on 3 so I treat her much like I treat my 3 y/o grand-daughter with same level & wording in explainations

Another thought is that our elders tend to be cheap. Give a therapeautic lie along the lines of, "Not only does doc have to approve your progress to release you, but it's cheaper for you and mom to live here than to be at the house since this is paid for and we can turn down the water heater and the air conditioning and save money there. It's a bargain!" This worked for my miserly mthr who dared not risk one red cent.

I've decided that when the time comes to put my mom in skilled nursing care, I'm going to say the doctor said to do it. Totally throwing him under the bus! She would never accept any other explanation or reason. Especially going from rehab -- you're halfway there already.

Definitely repeat that the doctor thinks this is best and add that you agree with that. You just have to make it happen. i would not bring them home out of sympathy. My family had had to remind me to be firm many times; I know this is hard; but stay strong. When they are in AL, your life will be easier.

I don't think it's not a matter of "selling" it to anyone. Dementia sufferers can't retain information or reason, they just know something will be changing. My Dad has LBD and just today he kept asking me about the the room he'll be looking at to move into. (AL) This has gone on since I mentioned it to him last week. When they feel something new is coming up, the anxiety sets in and I think that triggers the repetition. One minute he seems excited about moving, the next minute he says he'll think about moving. I had to take him to Sunrise AL today and he didn't think it was right for him. The choice is not his to make. After 2 years of being his sole caretaker, I need to decide what is best for him. It's very frustrating for the caregiver if they let a parent, who has lost their reasoning abilities: participate in decision making. I try to let my dad think that I'm taking his opinion into account, but in the end- I won't let my dad irritate me. I just smile and repeat that his doctor is advising me to do what's best for him. Botton line, I don't think there is a quick fix for the constant repetition. Remember- I'm only dealing with one parent, you have it much harder than I do dealing with both parents. Best of luck to you!

My mother has dementia and she used ask constantly, when she was going to get to go home. At first I used to tell her that the memory care was her home. She would get upset and say, this is not my house. I used to have anxiety about visiting her, because I knew that question was going to come up and if she didn't like the answer, she was going to get very upset. Then, I started telling her that I had to leave, because I was going to work and that I would come back early the next morning to take her home. Or, sometimes I would tell her that I had to go to work and when I got off from work I would come back to pick her up. Of course, none of what I was telling her was the truth, but it seemed to appease her. She was okay with my answer, because I wasn't telling her, 'no' or giving her a negative answer. I hope this helps.

I wish that throwing the Dr under the bus would work here. With my MIL, her attitude is if she doesn't remember something, it just didn't happen and there's no convincing her otherwise. Even when we're truthful with her and she has a different idea about things, it's her way or nothing. I've learned to just let it go like water on a duck's back as long as it's nothing that will get anyone hurt. But my wife catches the brunt of it all. And since her memory span is about 2 minutes now, it's a constant battle that no one can win.

Took me four months to talk to mom into it, and I had to have four different doctors tell her that she couldn't live independently anymore. I looked carefully at places in the meantime. Once she moved she loved it and did NOT deteriorate. She did better for two years, and her dementia is just now increasing again. For a full year, however, she would say, "well, when four doctors tell you that you can't live alone, you have to move". I didn't have to throw the docs under the bus, as they all knew that she couldn't live alone. And she actually remembered that they told her that.