Despite all I do to entertain and take care of all her needs, mom's consistently negative and repetitive. Sometimes I yell. Am I abusive?

HUMAN is the key word here. We all have our own limits too. And talk is cheap - unless I take my own mom kicking and screaming to an adult daycare, it isn't going to happen because I will not force her to do something that in her own mind may finally push her over the edge. Or any other type of activity that she's not ready for. In the meantime, I get up and start over again. Luckily now I have help so it eases the pressure on both of us.

I had never heard of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), which was mentioned above. So, I looked it up "ODD in adults" on the internet. One source said that children have ODD, but if the behavior doesn't resolve by adulthood it is called a personality disorder. Same horse, just a different name. It also said that children, who have ADD/ADHD often develop ODD. The frustration from the learning disability becomes defiant behavior. Then as adults, with a personality disorder, they often have trouble keeping a job. Very interesting what you can learn on this website and the internet!

Thank you for this post. It is always so easy to judge from the outside. I know that when I was living 24 hours a day taking care of mom with Alzheimer's, taking care of a family with a pre-teen and a teen, taking care of a demanding husband along with a sister in denial and an elderly father who's wife was slipping away slowly into the shadow world of dementia and Alzheimer's that sometimes I lost it. I lost it because I cared to the point of running myself ragged. I lost it because I was the point person, the person who said, 'the buck stops here', and the person who made the hard decisions. I admit that sometimes I lost it and I feel guilty but I was the one who always made sure that mom was properly fed, that she was clean, that she lived in a house with beautiful light with her bible by her side, her rosary in her hand and her photos on the table. I made sure that when she forgot who she was that we allowed her to become her new self and feel loved. I lost it sometimes but just like you, I picked myself up and started again. I promised to do it better the next time and do it with love. Next time when you slip and fall remember that tomorrow you have another chance to do it better with love...

sounds like you just need some medical marijuana. If you don't smoke then try edibles. They don't make you "high", just makes everyone's negativity seem like not such a big deal. When you cant alter the way they think at least yo can alter the way you think and deal with it. I am the most loving caring & patient caregiver ever and im not on drugs I just use an herb that god put here for us to use for a reason and that reason is...times like these.

Ya know, I think we throw the term "abuse" around much too freely, and that minimizes its meaning where it truly does apply.

Show me the parent who has never "yelled" at a kid in frustration. Show me a 24/7 family caregiver who has never yelled or spoke harshly to the loved one being cared for. I suspect that there are very few people who qualify. Does that mean nearly all parents and nearly all caregivers are abusive? Hardly!

Saying that the father who is forcing sex on his son or daughter and the mother who looks the other way are "abusive" and that the parent who loses her temper and yells is "abusive" is absurd. Not all regrettable behavior, not all imperfect behavior is "abusive."

Yelling at an elderly person for behavior he or she may not be able to control is not a good thing. It is not Best Practice. It is not productive or helpful. It should not be done. But to label the caregiver as abusive is totally inappropriate, in my mind.

Let us not totally water down the meaning of a serviceable word like "abuse."

Amen, jeannegibbs.

And it truly is not abuse because the definition of abuse, according to Wikipedia, is:

"Abuse is the improper usage or treatment for a bad purpose, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. Abuse can come in many forms, such as: physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, sexual assault, violation, rape, unjust practices; wrongful practice or custom; offense; crime, or otherwise verbal aggression."

That first sentence makes it clear why the word ends in '-use.'

Sometimes abuse is delivered via verbal aggression.
But not all verbal aggression is abuse.
Sometimes it is just frustration.

I share responsibility of caring for my Dad..never have I raised my voice to him..I think of all the time and patience in raising me and I am sure that there were times that were frustrating to him..I have put myself in his shoes.

Well, if I put myself in my mother's shoes for the times she raised me, she would not be in a good place. My mother hit me and yelled at me when I was a kid, I do not do the same to her now that she needs help. I was a child, she is an adult with cognitive decline, there is a difference. Also, when you are the sole caregiver, I'll bet you will raise your voice, unless you are the reincarnation of Mother Theresa.

In addition to helping to care for my Father, I also am a caregiver to my husband who has Stage4 head and neck cancer..I just know the feeling when someone raises their voice to me for any reason, why would I do it to someone else..but that is just me.

We all know what it feels like to have someone raise their voice for whatever reason, the point is no one is perfect and of course we would not to want anyone to feel bad but just because someone is frustrated and human and raises their voice idoes not make them an abusive monster, nor does stuffing frustration inside make them any better, it has to come out somewhere and sometimes that is not pretty and worse.

Anais, good for you. That's how we all WANT to behave.

Different circumstances cause different outcomes. Those of us who grew up in noisy yelling households 1) are used to yelling and aren't quite so sensitive to it and 2) never had role models for doing anything different.

All of us do the best we can.

Fortunately, I have a husband that is very proactive with 92 year old dad’s care. Dad has dementia related to a stroke that he had 9 years ago. And, yes, I can idenify with having a “short fuse” at times and attempting to bite my tongue off after having “words” with dad. (He likes to go “shopping” in my house if he thinks my husband or me are not watching him, and he hoards every inch of his room with clutter.) I do leave notes next to items that I don’t want him to “snarl” away into his room, but over and over although he reads the notes back to me, he says, “Oh, I didn’t know that was your stuff,” he continues his lifelong “hobby” of hoarding behavior. My husband has the patience of a saint: He has an online business, and he had customers e-mailing him asking, “Where is my package?” And, he doesn’t even get the least bit aggravated when he finds the un-mailed item that dad snagged in dad’s room.
Dad was accustomed to my deceased mother waiting on him hand and foot, and he attempts to pull the, “You’re suppose to take care of me act,” several times a day on ME. Dad has had more physical and occupational therapy than anyone can ever imagine. As soon as the therapists are finished and document that he has met his potential with dad walking by himself using a walker, he tells me that he is “crippled” and cannot do anything for himself. I have “nanny cams” all over my house and have recorded dad walking with his “grabber stick” as if it were a cane both inside and outside of the house. Then, after the therapist(s) are finished with his “full PT and OT therapy,” dad becomes a “cripple” again, and he wants me to help LIFT him out of a lift chair by pretending that “it stopped working.” (I’m attempting to keep my weight above 100 lbs. at a height of 5’6 foot and dad is 6’1 foot and quickly approaching 200 lbs.) Please Note: I am not anorexic nor is my weight loss related to dad: It is the result of a patient assault that back in 2005 while working as a RN at the largest trauma hospital in Tampa, FL. This incident resulted in me having total TMJ surgery (jaw replaced), C-5 vertabrae replacement, and muscle spasms that requires daily medication for the remainder of my life. (I only received 2 months of compensation from the work related hospital injury, had a negligent attorney (it took him 7 years to even get to mediation), and he advised and threatened me under duress to sign the legal papers prior to and after the mediation discussion, or that that this particular hospital would freeze any assets that I had available: This made me fear that I wouldn’t even have access to any money for the care of my dad.)
However, everyone, hang in there! I have learned that no matter what situation that you are in with an aging parent that you can bet that someone else is either going through the same circumstances or even worse! (I attempt to count my blessings everyday!)
I encourage everyone to hand in there!

Sometimes a caregiver just needs a day off! They are tired, overworked, worn out, unappreciated, severely criticized unfairly and many times die before the person being cared for. Unless anyone has ever actually done caregiving and for someone who is very difficult to care for, they should reserve comment. Or even better, offer to lend a hand to an overtired caregiver by giving them a break.

Thank you for these great great comments.....we did go through a few repetitive episodes that lasted over 7 weeks and mom does NOT have Alzheimers so there just seemed no way of turning it off. But I am improving and beginning to actually find it rather humorous. And the negativity, well, that is harder because I dont feel she could have it any better. Once in a while it would be nice if she said something positive but I am just letting it go...it aint gonna happen.

just like in my household my parents were always yelling thats how they communicated. It was normal so after a period of time you just get used to it. When I was taking care of my father and mother I had to raise my voice. To get my father on blood pressure pills I had to take him to doctor with my sister and basically had to sit on him to keep him in the doctors office because he didn't want to be there. I have always done the best I can for my both my parents. I try to keep my mother happy but it seems nighttime is the worst. My biggest obstacle is homecare but that will be another question for discussion LOL. Another problem is I have to raise my voice because really she should get a hearing aid. Im usually good at calming her just wish my brother had that same asset.

GiGi11 I can relate to your experience. Both of my parents are negative. My father loves to play the games but has been that way all his life. His behavior is consistent with narcissistic disorder according to my therapist. It seams you have found the right response "detachment" which is hard. My tradition is Christianity, which doesn't mean that tough love is wrong and detachment is a healthy choice. It keeps you safe within the relationship so that you can be the loving person to yourself and other relationships in your life. I hope you can find the support you need to not get hooked in to the mind games.

I say it is not abusive we all have done it, heck they did it to us...I holler at ma sometimes but I sure do beat myself up for it...I always tell her "I am sorry and she didn't deserve that, it is me, I am just frustrated.

if you are feeling it a little too much yelling or may become a worse problem then by all means keep tabs on it...and keep working it out here and get a counselor there in person...
it is very touchy tho....I reached out to social services once when I felt so low that I mite be harmful to myself , they warned if I make that statement they will take ma from me so do be careful!!
LOVE N STRENGTH...

yes i have always wondered what she says when she goes to adult daycare. She is always telling me that we have no food, no clothes, no socks. Freezer and cupboard are full, plenty of clothes in closet and in drawer. One time senior service came to my house because caregiver said that I didn't buy groceries. Well it turned out I didn't buy groceries the caregiver wanted LOL. I am normally extra extra patient but sometimes it just does get to you. Plus I'm sure the stress of doing job searches, dealing with endless problems of no shows of homecare doesn't help situation either.

youll have the patience of a saint as you begin to realize how scared and helpless the patient is in their compromised state.
speaking of saints, didja see the pope said that if non believers just do good they can probably go to heaven? what makes that smoking bucket, drag queen think non believers would want to join his cootie platoon? what an ego..

I just wanna clarify my statement earlier about asking social services to help me get some counseling....They said because technically my status is "I choose not to join workforce" therefore no benefit unless in crisis...harm self mode! SO I said ok I am in crisis...then sed if you really mean that the consequence is we will intervine with mother! THE SYSTEM SUCKS!

I mean to say I could have had mom taken just for needing to vent!!! I sed almost sed something only remotely true to try to get help.
anyway...thank goodness for internet how did the previous do it without, it can keep us connected and informed