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I should also point out, I graduated with a degree in Social Work so I know what I am seeing is something to raise a brow and be reported but what can I say? I am not sure if others have these problems and are able to put their relatives in a home, or if they have to endure it awhile longer until they slip away. There is no abuse or neglect on my fiancee's part. His only fault I have learned from the readers of my posts, is enabling.
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Not at all. See, I couldn't go on with the story forever so not every detail could be posted. My fiancee was VERY close with his grandmother as his own mother was pretty brutal to him and his siblings. So he always celebrated his grandmother for the amazing woman I have been told she has always been. When she got sick and went into a nursing home, I am told she knew she was dying. It was around that time she asked my fiancee to promise always to look after his grandfather. Who I am told was healthy, of sound mind and ALWAYS did what his wife told him. So my fiancee would feel guilty to break his promise to his beloved grandmother. After her death 14 years ago, his other relatives stopped calling and he remained only in contact with my fiancee and his younger sister (who is married with two children and a full time job) who is not able to commit her time to caring for their grandfather. My fiancee began the care by visiting his grandpa in the mornings before heading to work and sometimes checking on him at the end of his shifts. Slowly he began to cut his grandfathers grass, walk his dog and run him to the grocery store. Soon he was living there, paying the bills and overseeing everything that went on. However he will not push his grandfather to see a DR. as I believe he should, nor will he talk him into letting his dog (who spends everyday ALL day and I am not exaggerating this....locked in a cage in the bedroom) go to a good home where he can finally be outside and around people. So I think my fiancee came at a time his grandfather was depressed and allowed him to sit around and eat whatever, do whatever because he thought his grandfather was grieving. Now the old man is basically calling the shots and leaving us to clean up the mess he makes in the process.
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Why does your sweetie feel guilty? Has he done something to Grandfather?
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I feel with every comment I am able to share more of the story and it is like a small but needed release. I don't think I am being unfair to the grandfather at all. Again, I love him. I spend time with him and talk to him and not under obligation, but because I like his company. However I don't like not being able to cook dinner in the oven without the alarm going off because there is burnt bread in the bottom of the oven from his attempts to make biscuits. We are both kind to him and do what needs to be done around the house. What gets to me the most is he NEVER asks! Ask me to make the biscuits, ask me to help you tidy YOUR mess. Don't just walk away and expect me to clean it because you are "old". Too old to clean the mess but not too old to know it's there. In fact, he doesn't even bother to say "I think I left a mess in...." or "I'm not able to tidy this or that, would you mind? Thank you" He just leaves it for me to see on my own. And there is never a "thank you" to be offered. My fiancee is doing this out of guilt and he is so worried about his grandfather's health it is taking a toll on his and now mine. I am reading more discussions and finding we are not alone, but I still feel outcast as I am NOT a relative or caregiver. Im more the assistant caregiver.
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Not being related is probably a factor. But the situation is not one most young people, related or not, would welcome.

What can Grandfather reasonably be expected to do? What is he incapable of?

What would happen if he had to face the consequences of his stubborn behavior? What if he didn't pay his bills? What if the neighbors complained and brought social services in to investigate?

Grandfather "expects" you to behave certain ways because that is the way your guy has behaved for 10 years. What would happen if that changed?

I can't tell if this man is just stubborn (and maybe lazy and manipulative) or if he has genuine impairments that prevent him from taking care of himself. The fact that the rest of the family has written him off may be a clue of some kind.

Take care of yourself.
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I brought up broken home to point out his own children and other grandchildren have nothing to do with him. No visits or phone calls. That is why I said I feel he depends on my fiancee more than a grandfather would usually depend on a grandson. I feel as though I am coming off petty when I really should be saying, I am now sharing the care of his grandfather and I feel we should be worried about starting our life together instead of running at every beck and call of his grandfather who is too stubborn to just ask for "help" but expects us to clean up after him and tend to his house work while he refuses to let us bring him to the doctor to keep him alive or tell us to leave him be and go live our happy lives. At this point, I almost feel like I never want to see the grandfather again and I don't feel that way about my grandparents. Is it because I am not related?
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About that "broken home" rationalization. It is pretty hard today to find someone who doesn't have a "broken home" somewhere in the picture. Their own marriage dissolved, or their parents divorced, or their kids never married but split up and share custody of the grandchildren. It is very very sad and it can be very hard on the people involved. Sometimes people need counselling to heal. But we all have to take responsibility for what we do today. You don't want your own home to be broken before it even gets started. Take your time in moving forward in your relationship. Be sure you are on solid footing.
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to the second poster, he DOES have living children and other living grand children. They decided to have nothing to do with him after his wife (their grandmother) died. Why that is, beyond me. I am only a year and half into this picture, and all I can say is I am so angry at the situation and it is something my fiancee and I fight about all the time as I think he needs to stand up to his grandpa and demand his grandfather make better choices for himself, or allow my fiancee to make the choices for him...which I don't feel he would do which is why I am always in the middle stepping in. I am so worn out and I want it to end already.
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Yes, you are getting into trouble as someone who just graduated from college with evidently the money to buy your own house with a noble, but possibly enabling, fiancee who does not seem to get it that your relationship must take president at this point, even though yes it is not your job to say how grandpa gets cared for, but it is reasonable to expect his grandson to be so emotionally enmeshed with his grandfather, broken home or not. Doesn't grandpa have any living children? I think if a social worker or a home health nurse came into that house today, they would declare it an unsafe environment and possibly a building code inspector would say that house is not up to code and thus not a safe building to be in.
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Wow! What a story! It is noble of your fiancee to want to care for his grandfather, who apparently can't quite care for himself. Looking at it from the outside without knowing any of the people, I wonder if his noble intentions are doing more harm or good? Could his support be enabling some very unhealthy behavior? It is hard to say whether Grampa would do better if there wasn't someone there to make sure his bills are paid on time and the trash doesn't accumulate too deep. The fact that your fiancee was willing to live in a "gross" house for 10 years without running water in the kitchen and without a shower raises some questions in my mind.

I don't think you can make decisions for or about grandfather. But you certainly need to make decisions about how you want to live your own life. You need to make those decisions clear to your guy. Not as a threat or an ultimatum. Just as a matter of being fair and upfront with him.

I think there are some hard choices ahead. I truly hope you can resolve this in a way satisfactory to all concerned. Best wishes!
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