Is it wrong to just want it to end?

thanks JessieBelle we dont know what will happen she all ready wants to come home but with my husbands bad back and my parkinsons I dont know whait will happen if I am capable of taking care of her she will hate me if I dont I think she has been have TIAS all along even though her doc says that everything is due to infection the last one less then two months ago their coming sooner and sooner my moms ansewr for every thing is hire a lady we have a wonderful caregiver but she is allmost 70 years old and I dont believe she will be able to help much and really we dont want some one in the house living with us 24/7 not only that dont know were i would put them. Monday Im going to call a senior advocate to help us look around at different places if we put her some were this will cause a financial burden on us which is another problem for us so do we bring her home and try to manage or do we sell the house were in to pay for her care? (the house were we live belongs to her) so much to think about its so very stressful never thought any of this would happen allways thought she would die in her sleep at an old age so much for thinking you never know whats going to happen in life just hhope we manage to get through this its sad she suffers for what? and the whole famiy too like a roller coaster just going up and down on and on not knowing were the ride may led next

trunner, this is so hard to hear. I am so sorry that this happened, and I hope that a lot of your mother's function returns with rehab. It sounds like the stroke was very serious, so she'll probably be in rehab for a while. Maybe she will be able to return home, but there are many nice nursing facilities if she can't. It can be so difficult to take it a day at a time, not knowing what the next week will bring.

my mom has lived with us for allmost two years thursday she had astroke which left her left side allmost useless she in the hospital for now but is allready talking about returning home dont know now what to do because she cant walk and neither my husband or i can pick her up

Kathy, so sorry for your loss. You have such a good attitude about it all. I am glad hospice was so good to you. Your mom is in peace now and that is a blessing for you and your family. Hugs

I've been given strength, just by ready your stories. . . My Mom passed away this morning at 10 AM. She lived at a local ALF for 5 years and was with a local hospice agency, that I cannot say enough good about. . . they stayed with me the entire 36 hours she was passing from this life to the next. . . not sure I could have done it by myself (brother is out of state). She was with hospice care for 12 weeks, and gradually saw her changing from solid foods, to smoother foods, to soups w/crackers, to broths and then to a minimal intake of water. . .Just little steps at a time, I think that's the plan as you see the decline, it's OK just to want to have it end for them and it's OK when they go. . .you will be OK too!!! I have years and years of good memories. . . and for that I am extremely thankful!!! Kathy L

Sunflo, my Mom had fires in her microwave and is lucky she didnt die in a fire when she was alone. Please get help for her, she couldnt possibly be more stubborn than my Mom was. lol. I started with meals on wheels even thou she didnt like them and ate what I made her, it was a check in person and from there, I stopped in more and more and called 5x a day. I bought her a dial microwave which worked so she didnt cook a muffin fr 1-0-0-0 insead of 1 minute which was 1-0-0. IF she has dementia, she has lost her reasoning and will have an accident sooner or later and could be on the floor alone some day. We have a neighbor up the street who was 80 and had a seizure, he was on the floor 3 days and no onw knew. Very sad and tough situation! Good Luck

I saw my mom yesterday at the ALF. She was sitting in her chair just talking to herself. So sad. My mom and I were best friends. We had such fun together. She loved my husband so much. He could make her laugh until she cried. So cute to watch. One minute I see the mom I knew and loved and the next minute she is accusing me of stealing her sweater. She gets a look on her face that I never knew as a child. She was the most loving and caring person I ever knew. I keep thinking, if there is a life after this, what will she say to me about where she ended up and why she did not live with me. Will she be proud of me for caring for her the best way I knew how? Will she still love me? She always told me to follow the Golden Rule. I have done that my whole life and ask, would I want to be treated like this? I think that is why I fight so hard for both my parents to be treated with respect and kept clean at all times because I would want that too. I tried to fix things that just could not be fixed but other times I think I changed things for the better at the ALF. My mom is a shell of the person she once was and I know she would not want this for herself. Wishing for it to be over would definitely be her wish too. Hugs.

It is not wrong! so thankful to have stumbled on this page -- everyone here is feeling the same as I have and it is so comforting. My mother lives alone and won't accept help from anyone; increasing dementia and Alzheimers. My brother and I are far away. I just want to fix everything or get her into Asst Lv; etc. call social services, etc. But that won't "fix it". She is 89 good health but mentally shutdown. She lives in her "fantasy world" dreaming, sleeping all day -- not harming anyone; but not eating much and willing herself to die and reunite with my dad. I wish that for her. I agree with other posts here; we are pioneering a new era in which the old and infirmed continue on and on; many with no quality of life and just existing in a vessel. It is extremely painful to watch and I feel for everyone here.

Paula, I am so sorry for your loss. Best wishes to you and your family.

God bless you, Paula for all you did for your Mother. I'm so glad you were able to be with her when she passed and so glad it was so peaceful for both of you.

I pray we will have hospice with us when the time comes. I was holding my Mother's hand when she died, although she was in the hospital after a liver bypass surgery that failed. It was peaceful, too, though. She simply was admiring flowers on my windowsil and took one last breath and told me how pretty they were and her hand went limp. It's ironic, but we were closer then than we had been all through my life.

Please don't leave this group now. You have a wealth of experience to offer many of us still as we wonder what is still in store for us.

paula2024...Sorry to hear of your loss. Experienced the same with my mother. (Stopped eating and passed.) I wish your mother and your family....peace.

I too have had the same thoughts, And wonder to myself if I am going to hell, for wanting the good lord to go ahead and take her, cause all I see most of the day is her sleeping, staring into space, and just a blank look on her face,,,

No, it's not wrong. I wish the same. I pray every night that my mother passes away before she ends up having a stroke or some other devastating, debilitating event. It'd break my heart and what little spirit she has left to have that happen.

Just wanted to relate that my mother passed away peacefully Sunday morning. She'd had some pain during the night as her heart struggled to go on, but thanks to the instructions and foresight of the hospice nurses, I had medication on hand to alleviate the pain. I watched her take her final quiet breath at 6:20am while holding her hand and soothing her with a cool face cloth.

We couldn't possibly have come through this so calmly and with such dignity without the help of the hospice team. They completely respected our wishes to have a quiet passing at home, if possible, but remained available by phone when I had questions throughout the night.

My prayers go out to everyone who are still on this difficult journey, and hope you also will be blessed, as we were. Thanks you everyone for your helpful words and support throughout.

We live in Calif close to Oregon we are planning to move their thats were I want to be when the time comes as far as my mom shes doing better again eating well for now this just goes on and on thanks for all the well wishes appreciated them

I wish Amazon would sell the DVD. I'd buy it so fast, your head would spin and I'd be on the next flight to Oregon.

Kthin3, glad you posted that about Oregon. May have to ake a trip there some day.

sskape2, Bless you for being there with your Mom when she needed you. You can be proud of yourself for doing your part to keep your Mom's last days the best they could be, so hold your head high and know that she is in a better place now. God bless you for what you have done.

Many, many, many good responses here & I agree with every one that I have read. I too believe it is not wrong to feel how you feel, trunner. I myself plan on going to the state of Oregon if I feel myself getting to this point, and beginning the procedure LEGAL in that state to voluntarily end one's life. Don't know the details, but there is a DVD documentary that HBO did (which I am in line at my local library to borrow) called "How to die in Oregon". It was directed, produced & photographed by Peter D. Richardson for Clearcut Productions. As I have not seen it yet I can't comment on it. But I had heard about this right in Oregon and YEAH, that's what I plan on doing! I will not burden my daughter with this if and/or when my time comes.

She might surprise you , you never know. Try putting her food in the cussinart or blender and getting some into her, add real maple syrup, sweeten it up, starvation is painful they say. I hope she is okay, glad she ate a little for you!
Thinking of you...

Thanks, Reverseroles. I've tried pudding and most soft foods I can think of. Yesterday she had two teaspoons of oatmeal and that was pretty much it. Today it was a spoonful of pasta. Wasn't a good day...she was only awake for about an hour total. I keep thinking in terms of a "recovery" counting the spoonfuls of food consumed and ignoring the obvious evidence of decline.

Much as I appreciate my siblings attempts to help - they seem to suggest the reason my mother won't eat might just be because I'm not much of a cook. You should see the refrigerator tonight. Mountains of food, and they keep bringing in MORE. By the time my brother leaves on Tuesday, I'll be buried in leftovers. It's funny, we've never been much of a culinary family, but it seems like food is all anyone talks about around here anymore. If it wasn't so heartbreaking it would be funny to seem my sister with tears in her eyes trying to coax my mother to eat just one forkful of bow-tie pasta. According to my mother, my sister was a relentlessly picky eater, so in a way it's payback time. :(

I like the way you put it Paula, "we've done the hard part" so true. Good luck with your Mom, will she eat pudding or something? My friends Mom has been going to die within a few days for over 3 years now and is still bedridden and living, we never know. Take care.

So glad your mother had a peaceful passing, sskape2, and that you were there with her to the end. I'm sure you'll be able to keep to your intention to let comments roll past you at the funeral. You've done the hard part making sure your mother had the loving care she needed on a day-to-day basis—what comes next should be easy, or at least easier.

The hospice people were sure my own mother had only a few days remaining, but she seems to be rallying for the second time. Still not eating, but is taking in liquids and is often quite alert. She's always been determined to do things on her own schedule, and I think she's quietly amused to have foiled everyone's expectations again. :)

Take care and enjoy the peace of mind that you deserve!

Oh so sorry to hear the news and hope she passed peacefully into the new world. Your words are my feelings exactly as I continue to take care of my Mom in my home. Bless you for all you did, she was a lucky woman and you live on knowing you had a heart of gold. I too, dread the day a funeral happens and seeing the siblings in which I hate for not helping, I wish they wouldnt even come. Blessings to you, take care and good luck.

Good Morning, my mom passed away yesterday, at home with me by her side. Today I feel somewhat sad, but I also feel proud of myself for staying the course and taking care of her. I am at peace myself with no regrets.
The next hurdle is the funeral and listening to people 's comments who really didn't help out much. I'll try to let it all roll off like water off of a duck's back.
Even though mom had dementia for 8 yrs, we still had a lot of good times, partied with the neighbors, went out for rides. Sure it was difficult, to give up some of life's pleasures, but now I can move on with peace in my heart.
I don't know you all well, but thanks for listening! :)

paula, that's wonderful that your mom thanked you, even though she could barely speak! I do love the hospice aides who take good care of my mom, she is peaceful and comfortable when they are finished. It's all the hours that I"m here, and not able to do much , frustrating.

OMG! Can I relate to this! My 83 yr old dad who has been blind since my mom was pregnant with me 57 years ago, suffered a stroke 18 months ago, has been going down hill and suffering. It is so hard to watch a cheerful, easy going, loving man decline so much. He has worked all his life and just retired 3 yrs ago. He has been on Hospice for 10 months now, is unable to eat, has a peg tube, can't turn in bed or get up, is always in pain when awake. He is never comfortable in any position we put him in and everything hurts him, even water on his skin. He has now developed bed sores. Everyday I go see him and it hurts to watch him, I feel like I am starring at death every day and nothing is going to get better for him. The nurses say he is stable. I know as sad as his death will be, he will be in a better place. No one deserves to suffer so much! When my dad is gone, I still have the fear of how my mom will be. I see her getting older every single day. She and my dad have been married 60 years and she won't leave his side. She is diabetic, htn, depression and who knows what else because she refuses to go to the Dr. She has not stepped outside for 5 months and there is nothing I can do. Before that, she hadn't gone outside for another 5 months. And those outings have only been to go to the Dr. I am so afraid of the future. I live with constant stress. My husband and I took vacation and I got pneumonia! Now who goes on vacation and gets sick? I guess you can get away physically, but never mentally. I feel for everyone going through seeing their loved ones in this situation. Hugs to all.

Thank you so much Reverseroles and Noleslover for your good thoughts. My sister visited yesterday and promptly alarmed my brother so much that he's presently on a flight due to arrive soon. My mother was in a bit of pain this morning, partly caused I think by trying to be sociable and eat something while my sister (and the Chaplain from hospice) were here. She requested a chocolate shake, but a few sips were all she could manage. Even at this point I hate to say for certainty that her digestion's shutting down, but all indications seem to lead there.

Sskape2, I understand what you're saying. Although I'm extremely grateful to the hospice people and all they've done and continue to do, I feel like my mother would like to do things her own way right up until her last moments. She spent the night shuttling between the hospital bed and her recliner chair a few feet away, at considerable difficulty. I'm pretty sure the hospice team would have her on much larger doses of anti-anxiety and pain medications. And want her to stay put! But I'll honor my mother's choices until it's out of my hands. Which might be very soon, since my siblings tend to take over once they arrive and they think I'm in denial, and that the hospice crisis team should be called.

Yesterday, before my sister arrived, my mother woke up from a long nap and was barely able to speak but she took my hand and mouthed the words "thank you". Whatever anyone else says, I know she's been grateful for the quiet and the freedom to move about as she pleases. And to take or not take which medications she chooses. That may all end today, but I'm also pretty sure she's also thankful for the chance to see the rest of the family again — especially after so many years of strife between them all.

This is not to say that putting off calling for help is the right thing for everyone. In my mother's case, she has no illnesses. It's just that, after a long lifetime, her heart is coming to a stop. Not to say that what the hospice team does isn't wonderful. They've been an amazing help, and we're fortunate to have them on call when the time comes.

Good morning, I am writing here because I feel the need to vent somewhere. My mom has been on hospice, and the nurse said to keep her in bed , she was not going to make it through the day, that was about a week ago. I have done what the hospice nurse recommended, but I feel awful. I would have gotten her up, had her sit in a chair for a while, sit outside on the deck for a while, etc.
I think it is so wrong for a helath care professional to make a prognosis like that, where do they get off playing god. I feel angry. my mom is suffering more than necessary in her last days. Now I do hope she passes quickly, to put an end to the suffering.( she has had dementia for 8 or so years)

Paula, I am glad to know your mom is not in pain. I would think she will continue on this path. My prayers are with you and your family. Hugs.