Am I wrong to depend on a chemical to help me cope? Isn't there a better way to deal with the exhaustion of caregiving?

Real exhaustion takes a lot time to get over. Mine was house burning down, very nasty legal case, 10 years of stress. And you don’t bounce back quickly after a long difficult time. A real holiday (or even a move) helps. A change of scene forces you to think of other things. My own take on chemicals is that if it helps, take it in the short term. Just don’t get hooked, particularly on sleeping drugs or strong pain killers.

Lots of people have found that a short hours volunteering ‘job’ is a good way to get back into the workforce. Look for one with good company – not in aged care! And read BuzzyBees old site for a few minutes in the morning, it just has to make you smile. Best wishes.

Tiger, do you feel guilty because you aren’t going to visit so much? Don’t. It’s ok. I did the same thing. Didn’t seem to matter to my mom.

I have taken most about every anti-depressant out there. I can say with all honesty that none of them really made much difference. I didn’t feel like I was “on” anything. Don’t think if you take it that means you’re an addict. Try it. If it makes you feel better, great.

I am 65. In another life I was a preschool teacher. Now, I am a full time caregiver for my bedridden husband. We need some extra cash and I’ve begun looking for a part time job as a preschool aide. Will I be able to handle it AND caregiving? Who knows. They want two full days a week. Less than that wouldn’t be worth it. I’m being selfish. But I need to get out of this house or lose my mind. Right now, husband and I are fighting over his Congestive Heart Failure. He wants sausage, popcorn, lunchmeat, etc. I’m tired of arguing. I know I need to get out. You do too. You need something to divert your thoughts. Maybe not a fast food job, though. Too frantic. A hostess at someplace like Bob Evans? Take your time and pick out something you’ll really enjoy doing. And come back to let us know what you found.

Anti-depressants can be very helpful for many people.  Sure were for me - saved my life, actually.  Just consult with your doctor to discuss potential problems, etc.

I read your question and it took my breath. I said those very words to myself last night.

You lack motivation, because you're depressed. I hate that word, but truth is I've learned oh so much about it. Mine is situational depression and I expect yours is too. There are some drugs that will help, but finding the right one can take time. I've met people who say anti-depressants have changed their lives. I met a young woman who told me she couldn't leave her home and she became a recluse - until she started taking one. I personally took Lexapro for several months and then weaned myself off of it. Like you, I fear the long term effects and would rather not take anything - but I have to admit, it helped me for a while. Be aware that once you've taken an SSRI for any length of time, you have to withdraw gradually.

You are not too old to go back to work! Actually, it would probably be the best thing for you. You are taking steps to get your life back and I admire your strength. You've given SO much of yourself - I am in awe that you have been through so much and yet you're thinking of the future! Bless you! You can do this. Start by getting out more. Go shopping. Join a fitness center. Just get out! Then move on to finding work that you will enjoy and go for it. Good luck to you precious one. I just know you'll be OK. 💙

Tiger, I have diabetes. Do you think it is wrong for me to depend on chemicals to keep me going?

My friend was a corporate banker. Now, in her 70’s, she has a husband with Parkinson’s. She just got a job at CostCo, handing out samples. She loves being around people, making extra money, and the time off of the cares at home.
Sounds like a perfect job.

61 is not too old for anything you set your mind to. You could go to school, work anywhere that you would enjoy. You really should, I think you would feel so much better. Braums is a good place if you live near a Braums.
But pray about it and do it, you will feel so much better.
I will be praying for you.

Dear tiger -
I would like to explain a little about depression and anti-depressants. I have always felt like depression was wrongly named. It isn't a chosen state of mind (so saying... Snap out of it! never, ever works and only makes us feel worse!) that can be easily changed. A friend calls it brain flu.

The short version - our brains sometimes forget to make the natural pain killers we require.
Simply put, it is a chemical imbalance.
Depending on the type of antidepressant(one class...are ssri, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) ... It traps the available serotonin in our brains a doesn't let it leave! Lol.
I have tried many antidepressants, and there are a bunch of types. Some worked great, some not so much, some seemed to quit after a while. But, most have helped me to function better.
Don't beat yourself up. Many, many health issues are chemical imbalances.... Diabetes and hypothyroidism to name a few. No one thinks less of a diabetic when they take insulin...or of someone with a thyroid problem taking synthroid, right? Depression and taking Anti-depressants are no different in my opinion.
I hope this helps. Please send me a message if you have any questions, I hope the Lexapro helps you. If not, there are others to try. Hugs.
Sparkles

Like people are saying, try it. It doesn't have to be forever. Your crying could just be a release. The pressure to be there all the time for someone is gone. Maybe a little guilt about Mom? Mom is in a safe place. Getting her meds, 3 meals a day, some interaction and is being cared for. Now its your time. I like antique/collectable places. Always thought I'd like to work in one. Maybe a dollar store as cashier or stocking. They say exercise helps with depression. Maybe start walking or get a bike. Eating right too. Sugar and carbs tend to spike your sugar and then u crash.

Tiger,

Just went back and read one of your posts. You really have a lot going on. Taking care of an abusive parent has taken its tole on you. Its not just exhaustion but dealing with abuse. I am surprised you stuck it out as long as you did. So I take back what I said about "guilt" being a problem. I hope it isn't.

I think you need to do something for yourself. A trip would be nice. Where I live there is a company that does bus tours locally. Some are day trips, some a little longer. Its the same people who do these tours, usually, so u eventually make friends. You could do a small cruise. Me it would be a some time at the shore (I live in NJ). Just get out. And again, a nice little job. 61 is not old.

I heard Amazon now hiring...& all retail shops starting to hire for seasonal jobs which can become permanent...just remember to smile & act natural in job interview...it’s not always a bad idea to have help from a pill to help you get going...I need headache pills & Valium to help me relax....go for a walk or see a movie. You’re lucky your mom is taken care of so now concentrate on you. Hugs 🤗

I believe in medication especially with the symptoms you describe. It is and or can be incredibly stressful and it doesn't get better. I mean the caregiving being stressful. Sometimes I wonder how I will always cope. Life does not feel rewarding at all.

There is nothing wrong to have help from chemicals. YOU are important, too!

I tried this, my suggestion to you is no, it will work for awhile, and then most professionals will want to add another antidepressants. You will start the never ending cycle. Just my opinion

Absolutely try it. Start with a small dose. It has been life changing for me! I finally feel like I can cope again. I don't know how to describe it other than saying that Lexapro is my armor.

Also - doctors won't give xanax anymore, but they will give hydroxyzine, and it is not addicting. I keep a bottle in my purse at all times, and it makes me calmer just knowing it is there!

Right on Jeannegibbs! The Lexapro class of medications are not addictive. You can be go off them gradually any time you think you would like to see how things go. I have been taking Celexa for years off and on- it has allowed me to take care of myself and keep enjoying things doting trying times like through awful sons' teenage / young adult years and for several years now with my mom's dementia and a very manipulative brother. If not for this medication, I would be in the closet crying and hoping that somehow I would die. Easy decision - I choose this chemical!

First, just my opinion, I live with person for whom I care. She is a handful, quite a temper. I take a minimal dose of klonopin daily, and it really helps to brush off some of the more difficult moments. I see nothing wrong with it. Second, as a caregiver you have a skill set you probably are not aware of. Multi-tasker. Organizer. Able to deal with difficult situations. The best boss I ever had was at Applebees...she was 64 years old. Competence comes at all ages. Keep your chin up when you can😉

No, not wrong.  Lexapro is Prozac's granddaughter, very effective if you need it, with fewer side effects.  Yes, I used it to get unstuck.  After long-term care giving, some of our body's abilities to produce what the brain needs diminish, and we use up what we had.  The best way to tell if it is depression is the time of day we are worse.  Evening or night?  Get sleep.  Morning? Get help.  It is not 'chemical dependence' like addiction, but it is needed like a trampoline to jump out of a chemical-depletion hole, just as insulin is needed by some diabetics.  It does not mean we will need it forever.  If a person does not need it, it will not do anything for them.  No street value (unless you have no insurance) - no 'high'.

I got this info from doctors, research, and experience.  You still need sleep, and self care, or other body systems will deplete as well.  Big hugs, no guilt, and let us know how you are doing.

Please don't listen to the Pill Pushers! My husband and I took care of his ma at home for the last two years. My advice to you is this, exercise as much as you can. Give yourself ME time whenever possible. Eat small healthy meals. And above all Stay away from pharmaceuticals! Turmeric is an excellent antidepressant, and exercise releases endorphins. Healthy body=Healthy mind. God Bless you and may He keep you strong. AMEN.

It’s ok to get help for your stressful life. I take 1 Escitalopram 10 mg - 1 each night. It is not that addictive, has no side effects for me, and I have had 2 doctors that give a thumbs up on it as opposed to other anxiety pills. They both said I am on the lowest dosage, and it’s not like other pills that you gradually have to increase the dosage to start taking, and gradually reduce the dosage to go off them. Other pills may cause you to feel ‘flat-lined’ (you don’t feel excited about anything)...these don’t work for me. The pill Inam on helps me deal with MLO who has Alcoholic Dementia. I still think about MLO 24/7 but it’s less much less stressful. I can up my dosage but it’s enough for me for now. I have been taking it for 2+ years.
My fear is that if you don’t take time for yourself and your health now, you may cause yourself a spiraling downfall and bring on health issues like dementia yourself.
Take care and good luck!

I can understand how you feel. I have been a caregiver for my husband for over 14 years and I also work full time. The time did come for me as it has for you to get some help with the overpowering feelings that come with this kind of thing. I did go ahead and start taking the medication and it does help to put things into perspective when you yourself have trouble doing it. Talk with your Dr. some more and hopefully he can help you decide. You are not to old to work anywhere you want to, just try to do something that you enjoy. I will be 69 in November so don't give up just try a new direction. Good luck to you and God bless.

no you are right. Problem you’re having is too much cortisol in your brain. British students looked at this and they gave their study group o e task. Take three deep breaths three times a day. That was it. Do in six months that group had normal levels of cortisol. The co troll group did not deep breathe and there levels hadn’t changed. Adding more drugs to your already taxed system is probably the worst thing you could do. Get some help. 25-7 care taking is impossible over time makes you sick too.

I apologize for the typos one was British students which should have read British studies or better a British study

I think you are right to worry about any chemical that crosses into your brain. Too many doctors have bought into the "pop a pill" model of health care. And that one-size-fits-all approach to health care is failing. And it's especially failing caregivers, who are under an immense amount of chronic stress.

Escitalopram (brand name Lexapro) has a host of side effects associated with it including racing thoughts, trouble sleeping, headache, and changes to what your heart feels like. I wonder if your crying and angry outbursts are related to the drug or to feeling like only a drug can help you cope with caregiving.

Personally, I would not use a chemical to cope with caregiving. Through this forum I learned so much including how to set healthy boundaries as a caregiver. And I will not jeopardize my own health and wellbeing ever again. I got very sick and it took me nearly a year to recover.

That all said, since you are questioning the wisdom of popping a pill, and you are middle-aged, lifestyle changes may be what you're looking for. Making yourself a priority through proper nutrition, 30-minutes of physical activity daily, getting a good night's sleep, and establishing and maintaining a social network are important.

Making changes can seem daunting to start when you're depressed but everyone on this forum understands the struggle. I don't know much about the fast food industry but I do know that 61 is not too old to get a simple job. And your local library will have good books about midlife as well as your health and wellbeing. Good luck!

There is no shame in taking a medication for depression, it doesn’t mean it would be permanent, your brain is not making the chemicals it usually does that keep you feeling balanced. I take one and started taking it during menopause, my moods were swinging from sadness to anger. My husband would come in and say something and I would go off for really no reason, when I started doing this to my granddaughter I knew I had to do something to help. I also went to a psychologist for awhile, talking to a friend or a support group could help also and a job where you will interact with others will help. No 61 isn’t “too old” for a job. My favorite job that I had before I started having to be with dad all the time was a flower delivery person. A good driving record and being familiar with the area was the only requirement for that one. I see plenty of older people working in the fast food service also.

So first of all there is no shame in taking something like Lexapro, our brains and chemical body make up change all the time and sometimes the balance is thrown off by any number of things including just the way our bodies are changing. That said depending on the doctor these medications can often be over prescribed and thrown at us to "fix" everything, only you know the doctor suggesting it well enough and know what he or she has or hasn't suggested and asked about first, only you have an instinct about them and it sounds like you aren't completely comfortable or sold on this so good instinct! I also think your instinct telling you a job and all the things it provides aside from income might help as much or more is a good one and no I don't think 61 is too old to work in fast food or anywhere else you feel qualified. I don't think there is a right or wrong way for you to get over this hump either, going on med and finding a job then seeing if you can eliminate the med or holding off medication and trying the job and or other things first, you need to go with and trust your gut.

There are other things, more natural things that might help too if you haven't tried them yet and are inclined to before trying medication. Huge kudos to you for paying attention to and taking care of yourself!

My husband has been taking lexapro and xanax combined for 26 years, without it, he is a bear. He is wonderful on it..and it has worked very well. Speak with your doctor and perhaps he can start you out on a lower dose.

I’m so sorry for your struggle and I understand. Is it possible for you to think the stress of your caregiving has already altered your brain? Maybe what the doc is recommending would help to get your brain back on tract, allowing you to live more fully for yourself! You deserve this - and if you don’t like how you feel on this drug, there are others that might be a better fit for you. From the little bit you’ve shared here, it sounds to me like it might be a good thing to try. Good luck & best wishes. ❤️

I was having difficulty coping and like you, didn't want pills.

A friend recommended Ashwagandha and it worked for me! She recommended Gaia brand but there are a lot of good Ashwagandha on the market. The dosage was twice a day and the only side-effect I had was dreaming. It puts you into a REM sleep so you will have dreams. I never had any bad dreams.

If you do try the Gaia brand, it is too strong for me in the morning so I just use NutraHerbals Organically Grown Ashwagandha with Black Pepper Extract in the morning and a Gaia at night. Seems to be working for me.

Good luck and Pleasant dreams.