My wife is primary care provider for her 88 y/o mother. we are a military family so my wife has essentially moved away to care for her mom. She has a sister that also lives away from town but much closer than we do. Our children are in college and I am coming off 13 years of deployment cycles that was very difficult. I finally landed a non-deploying job for the next 3-4 years and my wife and I were like newlyweds again and reconnected after enduring over a decade of deployments to Afghanistan, Iraq and other places. Her Dad passed away 12 years ago. Her Mom is by al accounts healthy but has mobility, pain and incontinence issues. She recently had major issues with her back and hips. She underwent major joint replacement surgery. My wife has essentially been living with her for the last year. She is able to come visit when her sister's schedule "allows". I have offered to have her move in with us. She has refused to leave the house that her husband built and continually resists any suggestion of bringing a professional into the picture, saying she does not want a stranger in her home, On my daughters last visit she told her she didn't need an outsider because she has my wife (her daughter). I understand the difficult situation this puts my wife in and I resisted my selfish desire to have her all to myself. I know this part of life and we have moral obligations as family. I love her Mom dearly and have a great relationship with her. However, with her overall health being good with the exception of pain and arthritis etc, this could easily go on for another 10 years. I am considering retirement from the military, though I do not want to. There are few jobs in her Mom's town for someone with my skill set. I would likely have to return overseas as a contractor injecting more separation and the stress that comes with constant risk to life and limb. We need to have the discussion, but every time I try to bring it up, I feel like she thinks I am giving her an ultimatum, so I terminate the discussion and simply try to be thankful for the little time I get with my wife (maybe a week every 2-3 months). I don't want this to be the thing that ruins our marriage. Any advice from others who have gone through similar long distance care scenarios is appreciated. I have a couple friends who have been through this in the past and it just seems there are no really good solutions.