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My husband and I have decided that my father-in-law will spend his final days in the hospice care facility. The hospice workers feel that time will be soon. Everyone thinks it's best to just tell him he is going for symptom management, as he is in denial about his disease.
I have spent the last two and half years, taking care of my fil, full time.
I have decided that I will not spend all of my time at the care facility, when he is admitted.
I might add that the years have been very hard, as my fil is a VERY difficult man.
I do not know what my husband is going to do, but I just do not want to go there, other than some visits.
Am I wrong to feel this way?

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Dina, I hope you thoroughly LYSOL SPRAYED his bed and bedroom until it was wet!!!!

mean old man. :/
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Thanks to all for your supportive and loving answers.
Currently, my father-in-law is stable and he is now at the care facility for respite.
This is the second time he has gone in the past year he has been receiving hospice care. And each time, I have to BEG himto go so I can get a break.
I know, without a doubt, that I could not have done this without hospice. I have taken advantage of all services offered and have become quite close to the chaplin who visits. The aid that bathes my fil is an angel and the nurse and social worker are true professionals. Just when i think I cannot take another moment, they are there.
These past few days, I have taken the time to do just simple things, like opening the front door and allow the sun in ( all the doors to every rooom has to remain closed, even though we have a sturdy storm/glass door in front, as my fil believes the outside air will harm him. He believes the"odors" from the other room bother him ). I have been able to listen to music, while cleaning the house and clean his area where he sleeps ( in the livingroom).
I might add, that yesterday, he called my husband to tell me not to move anything or spray disinfectant.. I couldn't believe how upset I was. I spent all day, cleaning his room, laundry, and bathroom, as I cannnot do hardly anything when he is here.
I came to the realization that it is not his disease ( end stage emphysema ) that is so hard, it's his personality, which is critical, passive-aggressive, scared man.
Again, thanks to all and have a great day!!!!
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You answered your own question. You've done your job and now it's up to the professionals to handle it. Since everyone reacts differently to death and dying whether or not one is a caregiver, depends on the individual.
Sort of like passing your problems over to the higher power. When I've done all I can, I say "God, this is too much for me. Deal with it."
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I actually had to go to work some of the days my mom was in hospice. I was covering the inpatient rehab and no one else was ingrown. I did go home and sleep one night or maybe two, when mom seemed more stable, but then they kind of gave her the wrong meds when she got agitated. After that I was either there or got hubby or son to cover. We were very close by too, but I was glad I stayed over in the daybed they had, and was there when Mom did pass on, somewhat unexpectedly. I know, how can it be unexpected when you are in hospice....but we really thought we had a little longer and were even looking at and signed up for a residential option...I think these are hard decisions and depends on a lot of things.
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God Bless You ba8alou, THAT was the PERFECT answer! It sounds like something I would say and do. You really had me laughing out loud, Turbo got up and looked at me funny. :D
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To feel 'done' is not wrong. You have gone more than the extra mile. Don't ruin your reward of some down time by feeling guilty.
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Dinagrey, what a kind and loving end-of-life gift your husband and you are making on behalf of your FIL, but that you are giving to you as well. Forgive me if you already know this, but Hospice provides so much more than palliative care for the terminally ill. The foundational principles of Hospice is one that involves an interdisciplinary approach. Your FIL's final days, weeks, possibly months, will be spent in a place where his bio-psycho-spiritual-social needs will be met via an entire team of doctors, nurses, counselors, social workers, clergy (for the patient and/or family members who wish to address their spiritual/religious needs), and kind volunteers (usually those who've experienced first-hand the compassionate care generously extended through in-house or at-home hospice services). Your FIL will now receive 24/7 personal attention including pain management, monitoring vitals, and making sure that he is comfortable.

But Hospice also includes respite care for Caregivers. Hospice "angels" truly understand how absolutely overwhelming it can be for the family member(s) who endure the physical, mental, emotional, and often financially-depleting role inherent in caring for our loved one. It's a difficult and demanding job, usually sans pay, benefits, vacation time, off-hours, weekends, and appreciation. Most other fulltime Caregivers will concur that you can kiss goodbye personal freedom. Before long, Caregivers feel we've lost ourselves - that our lives have been stolen from us. And we've become invisible to the world around us. We're emotional time-bombs; vacillating between feelings of resentment, anger, and guilt, to fear, sadness, affection, and love. It's a balancing act that we never seem to achieve. Caregiver burnout is all too real. Hospice is so much more than a place or people who willingly take over the care of our dying loved one. Hospice blesses us with an opportunity to breathe, to sleep, and hopefully to relax a bit knowing that our loved one is in the best possible environment. Hospice angels earn their wings every day with every soul under their skilled care.

As with most aspects of life, one truly never understands what others endure until they've walked the same path. In 2004, literally overnight, I became the fulltime Legal Caregiver of my entire little family; my terminally ill father (lung cancer, exacerbated by insulin-dependent diabetes, and a stroke took him from us Christmas morning, 2006, 3 days after placing him in Hospice), my legally blind mother (now 89, a retired teacher who, within 2 years, underwent two knee replacements, heart disease requiring a pacemaker, and a serious accident from which she sustained a fractured femur resulting in hip surgery), and my only sibling - a developmentally disabled sister with severe hearing impairment, strabismus, heart disease, ataxia, lymphedema in both legs (she's had 6 surgeries since 2005). My own career as a high school instructor was hijacked 3 times due to Caregiving responsibilities. Trying to work fulltime while caring for my family fulltime finally took its toll on me. I had ignored my own healthcare needs and was forced to retire early in 2010. Some days are wonderful and some days I want to run away. But in the grand scheme of things, I have acquired new skills, expanded my knowledge, and learned a valuable lesson; we live our lives day by day, the best we can, until we die. And what happens in between is not what we wanted or planned. But on our road trip through life, how we choose to drive over the speed bumps of unanticipated events is what matters most.

Sorry for the lengthy epistle. Hugs to you and the rest of you Caregivers out there!
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My mom took care of my dad who chronic leukemia for 15 years. During that time, she was going to college, taking whatever courses they gave on tuesday mornings. He hated that she wasn't there, but she said thst she had to keep this up or she would lose her sanity. Fast forward, my husband was diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm, had surgery thst had a 10% survival rste st the time. After spending 5 straight days in the hospital, the day before his surgery, his docs told me to go home and rest the day before surgery. I left the hospital and got a call from a sympathetic friend who invited me for tea. I realized I was ten blocks from my hairdresser and said " thanks Beth, but I'm going to have my hair cut and colored, because if Mike dies, I want to look decent at the funeral. He survived the surgery, continues to thrive. You have to take care of youself, otherwise you are useless to snyone else
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My mom is in her final days the one think I learned. Is their no going back I also took care of her for two years and was relieved when she went in a care home the weighted had been lifted now I cherish the time I had
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You would be likely to want to try to be there if they tell you he has taken a real turn for the worse since that might be your last chance to see him but you shouldn't feel that you have to make daily visits. As everyone else here is saying, you have to take care of yourself and have earned the right to a life of your own.
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You have done everything you could for your FIL. Now it is time to give yourself a break, you have earned it. Visit when you feel the need to be there and start taking care of yourself.
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it is perfectly ok to not go...for whatever reasons you have. Leave a photo of you/family at his bedside? i believe the symptom management explanation is wonderful! why the heck scare people....
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I was a caregiver for my husband for the last 10 years of his life. One month ago he was admitted to hospice care with less than 24 hours to live. I stayed for the day and went home to sleep that night. Other family members were shocked, but when you have run this marathon of care and hospitals for many years you know you have to take care of yourself to just keep going. My daughter I returned to hospice in the morning and my husband died a couple of hours later. If he had died in the night I would have felt no guilt. There is a time to just go ahead and go with your instincts. You still have a life to live and you need to be emotionally and physically helathy, not drained from caregiving in order to live it.
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This gentleman has had a full life, and to ask you to put your life on hold through his illness is remarkable. Once he is admitted to a hospice facility, he may or may not stay long. I say it will be a much needed break for you and for your spouse/children, etc. I am thinking that when he goes there, and you have had time to rest and reflect; you will most likely go to see him. Everyday is not necessary. Let the rest of the family pitch in at this point. He will have fulltime caregivers and that is a wonderful thing. You have no reason to feel guilty, as you have done your part. When in his prime, did he care for someone around the clock? My guess is he didn't. And how did he treat you when he was not ill? How did he treat others? He has lived his life, and there is no need to be held hostage any longer. Hugs!
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are you wrong? HELL F NO! i cannot believe you didn't leave two years ago.
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Amen, Sherry!
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You are not wrong and no one else would have the right to say that you are because they have not had the caregiving experience that you and your husband have. I have found that the instinct is the guide in all situations and if you feel that you have served your father in law well, you have the right to pass the responsibility to the professionals and use your time to visit when you want to. Life is passing for all of us, and I belive that caregivers have to be careful not to lose their own lives amidst the emotion of looking after loved ones. You are an exceptional daughter-in-law!
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