Is it wrong for me to not want to help my dad get dressed for the day every morning and get ready for bed each night?

It's hard to see our parents aging, and even harder to have to be hands-on involved in their care that requires personal contact that you're not accustomed to. Dressing, toileting, feeding - all very difficult emotionally.

It may be time to sit all your siblings down for a family meeting about Dad. Explain that you are not comfortable performing these personal chores for Dad, and something needs to be worked out to pay the AL's additional fee for the increased help he needs. There is no reason why you should have to do this if you are not comfortable with it. Not everyone is cut out to do that and there's nothing wrong with that - don't let anyone guilt you into doing this if you're not comfortable with it.

Can dad afford the additional fees? Will that seriously put him at risk of outliving his money? Or will it just cut into possible inheritance? Why is the family reluctant to pay for what he needs, out of his own funds?

I'm a bit torn, Pam.

The obvious answer is that you don't need a reason not to want to provide personal care to your father. You're his daughter, not his nurse. If you don't want to, you don't want to. End of.

But... You'd be surprised what you can get used to, you know. And it isn't that I think you should feel in any way obliged to provide care. It's more that this could - *could* - potentially be a human connection with your father you wouldn't want to have missed, when you look back on it.

So: have you tried and thought "ohmygod this is hideous I am never doing this ever again", or has your heart just sunk at the thought of trying?

You mustn't do anything you don't want to. But don't, either, be afraid to give it a go.

And don't feel guilty. Really don't. Either do it, or don't do it. But don't feel guilty about deciding what's right for you. Hugs.

So, Pam, what I see as the downside of this is that you are tied down from here on in to being at a particular place twice a day for as long as it takes for dad to ablution and dress. In my experience, that can be a l//o//n//g time. It means you can't do things as spontaneously with friends. You can't decide to go out of town on a whim. Is that what is getting you down?

Would it make a difference in your perspective if you were getting paid to do this? Would it make a difference to your siblings?

Thank you all for your responses. Let me answer some of your questions.
There is money available to pay for the cost of additional care. His money would run out in a couple years but then the state would take over. He wouldn't have to leave his apartment.
The family is ok with spending the extra $. We haven't talked to Dad about it yet, he won't like spending more money.
I do not and would not want any money to take care of him. Getting paid would not make me feel like doing it. And if I did want to be paid, my siblings would hate me.

Pam, my Dad was the same way about spending money as he was the child of the Great Depression.

Once Dad needed to move into Assisted Living/Memory Care, the facility would get him showered and dress prior to breakfast, this was part of his rent. Dad was paying around $5k a month and that included everything. Prices do vary from area to area.

Eventually I had slowed down the visits as Dad needed to get use to the routines at Assisted Living. I use to go daily, then 3 times a weeks, then down to once a week for a half hour or so.

We need to learn not to enable a parent once they are in Assisted Living, and let the facility do their job.

Then i think you have your answer - dad pays for assistance getting dressed. I felt the same way about helping my dad - i just couldn't do dressing, bathing, or incontinence. I got a lot of grief about it from others but you have to feel comfortable. No guilt.

pam, I get where you're coming from. I set limits on what I would do when I moved in. I was totally uncomfortable with personal things like toileting, bathing, and dressing. I still am and won't do these things. Those things will have to be left up to professionals. I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling this way. We give so much already. We have to draw lines somewhere about what we are willing to do.

Does anyone have a durable POA for dad? If he's still making decisions about spending money and he has the POA on his bank and broker accounts, don't ask him. This is where the decision making ability is lost and he does not have the ability to make a decision about hiring needed healthcare help.

If you get an order from the doctor for an aide to help with dressing, this *may* be a tax deductible expense. Talk to your tax advisor to find out exactly what is needed and tell the doc exactly the documentation needed. Keep the doctor's prescription in the tax records along with receipts for the assistance for the end of the tax year. Dad will be happier if it's doctor ordered AND "anything out of pocket is tax deductible." With the POA on the checks, dad need not ever see the bill.

My brother and sister that lives here are the POA's. We take care of all his financial stuff already but never without him knowing what we are doing.
Checking with the tax guy is worth checking into, I'll run that by the siblings, thanks!

Um.

It may be just my over-twitchy antennae, Pam, but I just wondered. Do you spend an awful lot of time worrying what your siblings will think?

Here's a little more background. My Dad is a WWII vet and is 101+ years old😍. He uses a walker to get around and only takes one pill a day for prostate cancer diagnosed when he was 81, 2 antacids pills in the am and eye drops am and pm! Pretty amazing! He and Mom lived in their own home up until May of 2015, thanks to my sister who helped them out tremendously. That's why I moved back in 2013 to help out. Mom got dementia so it became impossible for them to stay at home. It really took a toll on Dad. Since Mom died last year at 93 Dad has declined. He doesn't have much strength left and gets dizzy. He fell last Monday, I took him to the ER and thankfully he didn't break anything. That is what precipitated the additional care discussion. He is ready to die, he wants to go dance with Mom again.
We do currently have an aide come in to bathe him, up until then I was the one giving him his bath. I am divorced and never had children, that may be part of why I don't want to have extra care responsibilities.
Both of my sisters have worked in nursing homes so they are used to taking care of the elderly.

Countrymouse, yes, I do constantly worry about what my siblings think. My brother got ticked off at me when we were moving the folks in 2015 and only speaks to me now  when he has to.  And my relationship with my sister that lives here is also strained.

What does your father want, besides not spending money? This really is your decision, Pam. But want he wants might be a factor in your thinking.

I overheard a conversation between my aunt and mother, when they were in their forties. Knowing someone who just went into a nursing home prompted this discussion:
Aunt: After all the things I've done for my kids, they better not ever think of putting me in a home!
Mom: When I get to a point where I can't take care of myself, I want strangers to do it. If someone is wiping my butt it better be someone who chose that job and is getting paid for it!

In my 70's, and having been a caregiver, I'm with my mother. I would not want my sons or daughter-in-law or step-daughters to take care of my most personal needs. I could imagine living with any of them, but not after I could no longer take care of those things.

If your father would prefer not to have his children help him with this and you prefer not to, that would certainly settle the matter, I would think. But even if he wants your free service instead of hiring someone, you still have the option not to do this.

BTW, how old are you? I'm guessing 60s or 70s ?? You certainly can decide how you want to spend your time!

About your siblings: My three sisters mean the world to me. We don't always agree but we respect each other even when we are arguing. I like my three brothers, too, but the bond isn't as strong. A deep and sincere relationship with siblings is invaluable.

But it doesn't sound like your relationship with your sibs is deep and sincere. Your brother gives you the silent treatment because he disagreed with a decision about your parents? Unthinkable! If the relationship is soured that easily, it simply wasn't very deep on his part.

I suggest detaching from them a bit. I don't necessarily mean see them less often, but start giving their opinions less importance. Perhaps your relationship could be more cordial, but less profound. Don't rely on it so much. Do you have a few close friends? You can develop deep and sincere relationships with them.

You are a capable and valuable individual. You comfort level and quality of life is every bit as important as your dad's. Keep that truth firmly in mind!

Jeannegibbs, I will be 60 next month. My Dad prefers us kids do things for him, he thinks we do a better job.

I missed that he was in AL. My mother is in the MC side and according to my tax guy, money paid to MC is completely deductible as a medical care expense. If it were AL, there is documentation to obtain. Tell the POAs!

Boundaries are the line you yourself set to define what you do and don't do, and what behavior you tolerate. You don't tolerate dressing your father. That's fine - it's a personal choice and has no bearing on if you are a good person. The problem comes when you state your boundary and your siblings don't like it. This is where a talk therapist will help you come up with ways to politely decline to change your boundary, but in a wide variety of situations. This is not just about your dad, but about your whole life of being pushed around by the sibs.

I'd say step back, say no, and let the POAs make the decisions for care while you say NO, firmly. He has a POA, and the dr has said to get help, so I don't understand why there is a concern whether he likes it or not. It's a medical need so it gets done, just like a walker. I'd stay out of it if the sibs try to pull you in more.

Have you considered volunteering for hospice as a visitor? You sound incredibly sweet and compassionate, and there are families who would love to have you come sit with their loved one for an hour or two while they run to town or get their hair done. This would also give you a schedule so your sibs might respect your boundaries more.

I can relate to this topic because I have a personal reluctance to provide personal care for my mother. Above all else, I wouldn't want to buy into a responsibility that would keep me tethered to one spot morning and evening every day for an indefinite period of time. But leaving that aside, I don't want to do bathing, dressing or toileting for my mother. I will never agree to do it, although I suspect that she expects that I will do it if she needs me to. I won't. That's where I draw the line. I don't want that level of intimacy or familiarity with my mother's body. I just don't. I've done it for other people without a problem but NOT my mother.

This is already becoming a problem because I'm usually the one who takes her to drs appointments and procedures and several times the aides have called me in to help her get dressed and undressed. I muddle through that with as little hands-on contact as possible, but I would never agree to do it as a general rule. Yesterday, a doctor came out to the waiting room to give me directions on what Mom should and shouldn't do while on the toilet, and I asked him "Have you told her this?" No, he thought I was in charge of her bathroom activities. Noooooooo!!!!!!

Dear Pam,

I hear your struggle with this decision. I have to agree with the others, please do what is right for you. I'm the oldest in my sibling group and I felt responsible for taking care of my dad. But I was angry with my siblings for not wanting to do more. I know everything is 20/20 in hindsight, but I wished I found a better balance. At 101 years old your dad is lucky to have all of you trying to advocate for him. As long as he is safe and well taken care of and you continue to visit him, I think that is all anyone can ask for.

I agree with Surprise completely. If detaching a bit is hard, some counseling might help you overcome life-long patterns and also set boundaries in other situations.

At 60 you may well have four more decades of life. Since they are older you may outlive your siblings. Start preparing now for a life that doesn't include constantly worrying about what other people think of you. Go into your older years free from that heavy burden.

You don't want to do the chores your family wants you to do. Say no. Use Dad's money to pay for the assistance he needs. At 101 what is he saving it for? A rainy day? I'd say it is pouring right now! Or are your sibs worried about decreasing the amount they might inherit? Tough! Dad's money is for his care, first and foremost.

If you can't bring yourself to say no, keep posting here and we'll encourage you! And/or see a counselor and have the first session deal with this issue.

Your Dad needs help dressing. He gets dizzy. You are 60. What happens if while you are helping him dress he gets dizzy and takes you to the floor also?

My Mom was a faller. She was a tiny woman but she took me to the floor with her a couple of times.

Siblings, especially those who we have strained relationships with will question "how did this happen". Will siblings be there to help you out if you get hurt?

I am with those that posted before me. Pay for the extra help.

So many people have offered excellent advice here and all along the same common thread. So if you don't heed it, then you are not listening. You are your own person!! Which means you get to make your decisions. Not your siblings. Setting your boundaries are vital to good mental health. You've already done that when you wrote to us at the beginning by saying what you don't feel comfortable doing. There...now hold to it. Your siblings can try to not have boundaries by encroaching on and not respecting yours, which by the way is what they are doing. I loved what Surprise said and also here is a good quote stated by an earlier poster "You are a capable and valuable individual. You comfort level and quality of life is every bit as important as your dad's. Keep that truth firmly in mind! ". He is in AL for a reason to provide assistance with needs of daily living. Let them do it! And as for the fall risk, that's good enough reason right there. You be his daughter...not his nurse aide. Now give yourself permission to have a sense of self and good healthy boundaries. If you can't then go to a therapist for her to help you in this and give you support. Let us know how you proceed.

Your father sounds amazing! They don't make 'em like that any more, eh?

He may be right about the quality of care point, especially if your sisters are both experienced, trained hands-on care professionals. Good for them. You're not, though, are you? It seems unlikely that you could make a more skilled job of washing, dressing and transferring than a professional.

You are there for your father. You love him very much. Neither of those things implies that you would be any good at providing personal care, let alone that you "should", you "ought to", want to do it.

You decide what's right for you. Nobody else. Okay?

Does your dad even want you to help? This can be very hard on their masculinity. Although we have a caregiver, occasionally I have to help my husband and it is humiliating to him.

Really, that is why the Assisted Living facility exists....to assist your elderly parent. Even if you did it twice a day, every day, who will do it if you are out of town or ill?

I would absolutely not feel guilty. If it is affordable, help with hygiene,etc is a normal part of assisted living. I have helped my mom with these things when she is not at her facility and I'm happy to, but once she is back at her facility they take over. I can't be there every day and it is important that she learn to trust the staff who are skilled with such things. If it were my dad as in your case I don't know what I would do. When my dad needed this type of care, my brother helped. There is dignity involved for both of you and as someone mentioned you would be tied to something twice a day, every day. You have a right to your own life. I am grateful I can spend time with my mom and I do handle all of her bills and arrange and go to Dr. Appointments with her gladly, but she is in assisted living and paying a lot for the privilege, part of that assistance is helping with daily living tasks.

I refuse to dress/undress my mother. Flat out. Won't do it. Ever. I would suggest this. Find out exactly how much it would cost to have the home do it for you. Then pick up an extra day of work or two and pay for it. It appears your siblings honestly do not have the time in their days to drive over and do it, so quite honestly, this falls on you. If you don't want or can't do it, then pay the home to do it for you. If your sisters are willing and able to share the cost with you, then all's fine. Perhaps a selling feature for them would be if you volunteered to do other things for your dad instead of the dressing/undressing. Maybe say if you don't have to help him dress/undress, then you'll show up 3 days a week and help him with his meals or read to him or (if he's able) take him outside for a stroll. Anything to show your sisters that you aren't refusing to help him dress/undress simply because you don't want to be bothered.

What is the difference if they pay you or the facility. Nothing. I had my Mom for 20 months. I hated toileting. I actually was glad when she went a day without a bowel movement. How do u know Dad is having trouble dressing? Just taking longer? Doesn't match. Let him be as independent as possible. I put my Moms clothes in sets. Pants and top together. Easy for the aides and easy for me to tell when something is missing. In rehab I only took in what she needed for a couple of days. So I put her pants, top, bra and socks on the same hanger. Maybe something can be done like this for Dad. If he needs help, just have him pay the extra. I don't think u want to be there at 7am and again at 8pm everyday. Like said, let the AL do it.

Even my R.N. daughter is uncomfortable with changing her father's (my Ex's) diapers. She would have liked to have kept him in his home with round-the clock sitters but the house was a disaster, with leaky faucets, mold everywhere and years of non-housebroken dogs...no one would want to work there! She had POA and sold house to one of those companies that buys old homes for $14,000 less than we paid for it in 1969. He's now in a nursing home and eating through his savings at over $10,000 a month! Her diagnosis is Lewy Body dementia, but that can only be diagnosed at autopsy, so we will probably never know. I'm glad I got out years ago and that she doesn't expect me to do anything. He will have to leave this nursing home when or if his savings are exhausted, so both she and her brother are hoping their father dies before that happens. If he were in his right mind, he would probably hope the same; I am quite sure he never wanted to be the burden to his children that he is. This isn't good advice, but just to let you know that even an RN daughter doesn't want to perform personal services for her father.

If your other family members are so concerned about your dad needing help, perhaps they should also chip in and help