I think I made the wrong decision by putting my mom into a nursing home. What can I do now?

Lizard41, I'm going through what you experienced in the very beginning. Putting my 95 yr old mom in a nursing home. She very quickly declined with dementia. They say it is Lewy Body. It is so hard to accept that 6 days before putting her in the home she was out having lunch with me, shopping and washing clothes! I thought it was an infection, since this had happened once before so when she was unresponsive, I had her rushed to the hospital. No infections. The guilt I felt as they kept poking her with needles! I promised her I'd never do this to her. She would be with me forever. I took her into my home 32 years ago, and all I can say is I wish I didn't feel so bad. My husband, daughter and grandchildren need me. I want so badly to feel better about this decision. The day after we put her in the nursing home, I had a nervous breakdown. I was rushed to the hospital accross the street from the nursing home. My husband and daughter were besides themselves. I'm recovering, but I so badly want to get over this guilt. Thanks for sharing your story, it is helping me to know others feel the same way I do. Take care of yourself.

Definitely have the Nursing Home inspected!! It's terrible what goes on in state Nursing Homes. The private ones need to be inspected as well. Just because some people can pay more, doesn't necessarily mean they are getting more. It can be deceiving. When you go to check places out, you need an appointment...so they know you're coming and they're ready for you. I've heard too many horror stories from my nephew who used to work in a nursing home!!!
You do need to think of your own health and happiness. I wouldn't want my kids to have to go through what you're going through for me....they deserve to have lives of their own. Aging is a tough thing. You're always feeling guilty if you do, and guilty if you don't....we want our parents to be treated well and with dignity and kindness. Ask around, and talk to your doctors to see if they can recommend a decent Nursing Home. Good Luck, and God Bless.

I honestly believe that one's mother should stay home as long as possible. You will only have one mother and once she is gone that will be it. You will go on with your life and thoughts. Now a days there are so many alternatives for a loved one to be able to stay at home. there are home health providers that can come to your home and help. There are other helpful nursing programs that private insurance, medicare can pay for. Nursing homes will tell you that long term is best because they want money. At a nursing home it is frightful, full of strangers, full of death, sadness, and loneliness. Nursing homes paint a pretty picture when you are around, but once you turn that corner, watch out. I would never recommend a loved one to be placed in a nursing home unless absoultely necessary. It is a horrible place for your mother to spend her final days.

I honestly believe that one's mother should stay home as long as possible. You will only have one mother and once she is gone that will be it. You will go on with your life and thoughts. Now a days there are so many alternatives for a loved one to be able to stay at home. there are home health providers that can come to your home and help. There are other helpful nursing programs that private insurance, medicare can pay for. Nursing homes will tell you that long term is best because they want money. At a nursing home it is frightful, full of strangers, full of death, sadness, and loneliness. Nursing homes paint a pretty picture when you are around, but once you turn that corner, watch out. I would never recommend a loved one to be placed in a nursing home unless absoultely necessary. It is a horrible place for your mother to spend her final days.

I am so thankful for this website. I was starting to think I was crazy... I have been a care giver to my mom since my oldest sister passed away... I was 21 years old. I have been caring for my mom and my younger siblings all my adult life. I have lost two husbands behind my family. Well now it is at a point in my life where my mom is terminally ill and I can't give her the care she is use to having from me. I recently put my mom in a nursing home facility. She is not happy there and tells my other family she doesnt want to be there. She doesnt tell me because she knows that I have done all I can do. It was hard enough to make the decision to put her there but when I finally did it... I was able to rest better at night. It is never a easy decision to make. I felt I could handle it because I had been doing it most of my life. But her needs became more serious that I couldn't do it... It got harder and harder... so now that she is there... I moved into a one bedroom apartment not because I had to but because I didnt want anyone else staying with me... that way when they would ask I could say no and not be lying about it. I don't have the room... I told my mom social worker today that I was not bringing her out of the nursing home to live with me. I felt guilty at first but looking back I did all I could do with out losing my mind, and I know if I bring my mother back home it is only going to stress me out when I am at work. I can't do that to myself. So this website made me know that my decision to live my mom in a nursing home was the right one. God will watch over her better than I ever will... I am praying for anyone who has to go through this process.... It is extremely hard. I cried for weeks battling whether I should put her in a nursing home... it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do... God bless you all... I hope this helped someone as it did for me...

Shawntell, not only is this better for you, it's better for your mom. She may think she'd rather not live there but she'd feel guilty living with you since she knows that you can't do it any more without endangering yourself. You'll both be healthier for this move. I'm so thankful that you've stuck with it. Continue to value your own health - your mother does even if she can't directly say so. Please keep checking in with us.
Carol

We are raised to think that doing the right thing will always feel good. And it doesn't. There is not a lot of peace or contentment to have as a caregiver regardless of what you do. A lot of the time it's a choice between which level of anxiety can you live with, not what will eliminate anxiety!

I have family who believe that if you put someone in a nursing facility that you've abandoned them, dumped them, and given up your right to be their next of kin. All I can say to them is that we are only able to do our best. For a lot of us, that means we have to take a lot of other people and things into account. Work, bills, marriage, kids, life's normal adult obligations. Some day they will come to understand when it's their parents in need of care.

I look at it this way - of course nobody *wants* to go into care. If they did, it would be harder to get into than Disneyland. I have also found the people who criticize placing someone into a care facility were also the same people who laid guilt for using day-cares when my kids were babies. At some point, you have to do what you must and what those other people think doesn't matter.

I told my guilt-mongers in my family that if they want to come up and take over for some shifts or help pay the bill, then I would listen to their opinions. Until then....zip it.