Would you help an in-law who has verbally, mentally, and emotionally abused you for years?

No, Don’t sacrifice any more of your time for clearly an ungrateful abusive MIL. But I’m the last one to give advice. I’m an idiot who doesn’t have the gumption to put my father into care because my siblings don’t want to lose any inheritance. A problem, I’m sure a lot of caregivers have or are facing.

I didn't like my MIL either. Not sure if she told my DH not to marry me. I know she was not happy he married someone with a child and divorced. Not sure what she thought was out there for a 34 yr old man. I doubt a young virgin. I wish I had belonged to this group 40 yrs ago and I would have realized that she had a personality disorder that made me back away because of things she said and did. I could be around her but only with my husband present. A week at a time was enough. She came across as a sweet lady but a former neighbor said she knew she wasn't. I am pretty sure she would not have been easy to care for. When she was sick?, I let her son wait on her. Actually, I thought she was manipulating her sons and was not playing into it. She went so far with the "acting", there was no coming back. She passed at 92 because...she was not going into an AL and leaving her house.

I actually think you do enough for her. For me, toileting was the worst. I prayed everyday to please not have a #2 today. Showering, always afraid she would fall and really didn't like the intimate side. That was my mother. If MIL...I would have had to have a much better relationship with her. If she can afford it, have her hire an aide. So my answer is No, I would not care for someone who was abusive to me for years.

I to can forgive but I never forget.

Nope. I would not.

Mainly because nope, I would not. But also partly because vulnerable people (no matter what their past failings) deserve to be cared for by people who don't harbour major negative feelings towards them, and for the particular person I have in mind that wouldn't include me. Never mind how I feel about caring for her, she deserves more than I can offer.

There is what goes around comes around and I fully believe in this. But Karma is being used wrong. Karma doesn't happen in this lifetime, it happens in the next. Its part of reincarnation. What you did bad in the previous life will effect how your next life goes. So in this instance MIL has been abusive to DIL, in the next life she may be abused. Its part of a learning process for the soul to perfect itself. My GF believed in all of this when we were young. She believed we lived 12 lives and by the 12th our soul is perfect.

If the situation didn't feel 'good' to me for any reason(s), I would say "NO".
Of course she wants your help.
If you decide to work for / with her in any capacity, be prepared for the same behavior / communication from her that you have experienced in the past.

She will not change.

You will need to decide how you want to be treated / respected and set boundaries if you do not get your needs met.

You need to ask yourself the question you are asking us. Why are you considering working / helping her? Is it guilt, low self-esteem, need the money, if there is any provided, you need to feel you are 'helpful' as this makes you feel good about yourself? You need to do some soul searching and honor your self / your feelings.

You are entitled to your own life and your own pursuit of happiness. You already do what you can to help her. And what you do is considerable. Does she have the finances to hire aides to help fill in the gaps? You also need to discuss this with your husband. How does he feel about this? Is this something you would do for him (not her)? Would you be willing to oversee her aides, if she gets them? You may want to connect with a local social worker to discuss her options. You may have to talk to the social worker with your husband, if he is her POA. If she is so very sick, she may eligible for hospice. You'd need her doctor to sign off on hospice. Hospice would make additional services, equipment and supplies available to her.

As family, I would make sure she is cared for, but it doesn't mean I have to do the hands-on caregiving. Every person has to decide on what the limits of behavior that can be tolerated. Seems your MIL has over-stepped those limits as her usual behavior.

None of us are completely equipped to say for sure what you should do, but I'm going to tell you my experience so hopefully you can assess your situation more fully. My mom was married 6 times. My dad was her first husband. Her 6th husband was her longest marriage at almost 38 years when he died almost 3 years ago. I was never really very close to any of my step fathers because we lived 1200 miles away, but things took a really bad turn several years ago with my last stepfather. I was blindsided by something he did and we did not speak for several years. I had developed early onset cataracts and was going blind. Mom said she had lots of money and would help me, but at the last minute, he would not let her do it. I had to scramble to find a way to pay for the surgery. Then, several years later, he needed open heart surgery and they both needed help. Two of my sisters each took some time to help, then my older sister called and said it was time for me to come and put in some time. I worried my self almost sick with dread, but went anyway. I was shocked to find what was going on. I did not realize how bad things were and that my mom had dementia. She could promise anything but was incapable of reality. He never told us, and was trying to care for her the best he could.
During all of this, I came to see another side. He and I became so close that I even ended up calling him Dad. My own father had died many years before. We eventually moved them to be close to us, then 3 weeks after they moved here, we found out he had stage 4 liver cancer. I was his only caregiver, and it was a lot of work taking him to so many Dr. appointments, grocery shopping, and so much more. I came to love him as a second father and he was SO grateful for the relationship we grew into. He died 6 months after they moved here. I came to understand that the reason he did not want mom to help me was because he was SO worried about there being enough money for her to be taken care of after he was gone.
Now... for your situation, only you can determine if there is any chance for healing or if she is still just a toxic mess that would suck the life out of you. If you do help more and she does the same thing, like my pastor said, "You are required to forgive, but aren't required to throw yourself in front of a speeding train." There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting.
Good luck, God bless you as you make the decision that is right for you.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to provide your thoughts and laughter. Someone of you really had me cracking me up!

I have decided to not help, something I always knew in my heart to be true. Guilt led me here. I have also reconsidered stopping what I was doing prior as she continues to berate me and speak ill of me behind my back. She also uses me to do things for her to remain a sense of control over me and her son. (It’s just such sick behavior. Narcissists are sick in the head!)

In my heart, I know I am unable to properly care for her in the way she needs due to my incapacity to have compassion for her any longer, in any situation. She deserves more.

In more recent interactions I’ve learned to hang up when she starts getting in a certain mood. If I’m visiting in person, I set a specific time frame of how long I’ll stay. I don’t visit in person to spend time any longer, I’m usually dropping something off or picking something up. That time frame is 15 minutes.

I am very cordial to her when I do have to interact with her. I smile and am very polite. The relationship is completely on my terms. She no longer runs the show!

"I have decided to not help, something I always knew in my heart to be true. Guilt led me here. I have also reconsidered stopping what I was doing prior as she continues to berate me and speak ill of me behind my back."

Yay! So you're considering stopping the shopping, cleaning, cooking and laundry?

Please keep us updated -- we're on your side!

Wow, we must have the same MIL! Back in 2013 we got into an argument, I hung up on her and we haven’t spoken to each other & I was ok with that. She and her mentally challenged son came to live with us in 2019. They uprooted our entire life. She was in the beginning stages of dementia. She had 5 children. I married the oldest, 2nd son is Pete the a$$hole and lives 1200 miles away with heart problems. Barry is the mentally challenged one living with us. Janet (the only girl) passed away in 1990 and the youngest, Jim died in 2020.
MIL is in late stage dementia, had a TIA stroke and has CHF, depends on me for pretty much everything. She doesn’t remember what our relationship was for the past 40 years. I find that it’s so ironic that “I” will be the last one standing making all the decisions about my MIL & BIL life & death. FIL passed in 2008. Doesn’t look like BIL Pete will live pass 2022. My hubby will give me a wide berth once MIL passes. She has pre-filled out a form from the funeral palor on what she wants done for her & her son Barry. Luckily, she hasn’t paid for these services, so it’s basically her last wishes on a checklist…..NOT including the casket, opening the grave and chiseling the death dates…. Came to over $14,000.00. Yeah, no, that ain’t happening. As the family plot is about 1200 miles away, she wants to have her body flown up so she can be buried with her husband, daughter & son. I, of course tell her yes,yes,and yes. Me, the DIL that wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t ‘blood family’ her words ( what does that even MEAN?) is the one who will have her cremated. If, I get up north, I will spread her ashes on the family plot.
Call me cruel, but I spent 3 years of my life taking care of this woman, even in the beginning when she still had lucid moments & was so demanding. I do not feel in the least bit remorseful for how I plan on getting in the last word.

I am going through this now with my mother. She fits the definition of "borderline" to a T. Although when well-balanced, she could be giving and supportive, those times became fewer and fewer over the years. She would have meltdowns with my father that I am almost positive led to his death by heart attack at 48. She drove a wedge between my brother and me. He escaped her grasp over 40 years ago. They now only have a telephone relationship. She has never met his wife or children. I was left at home as I am much younger than my brother. She got her hooks in me and controlled every aspect of my life until I was 45 and realized I had devoted my entire life to her. She threatened to disown me (money is a major source of control for these people). However, freedom was more important, so I left. We didn't speak for about 16 years-- until my brother called to ask that I go to see her because she had a heart attack. (He is evidently too afraid to re-engage with her in person.) I went and was sorry for it. During the 1 year I spent in her presence, I moved her to a new apartment and sold her car (at her request). When her health got worse, I found rehabilitation care for her. Nothing I did pleased her--despite the fact that I had three surgeries in between running to help her out. One surgery was a hysterectomy due to cancer. She gave me about 1 week to recover and then called to yell at me about the (very nice) assisted living facility I moved her to. I went no contact for about 3 years--until I saw her coming out of a store the other day. I thought maybe things had changed since she is in her late 90s now. Surely, I thought, she would have mellowed. No such luck. She NEVER asked how I was doing or expressed any happiness in seeing me. Instead, she went into a diatribe about the assisted living home I had chosen for her. Realizing I am still a punching bag, I walked away. I have since made the decision to help from behind the scenes, but interacting with her is impossible and even dangerous to my well being. I have tried hard enough.