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I heard from my brother that Mom told him we are blowing her meager savings on hotels, when what I am actually doing is carefully juggling her resources to keep he in assisted living. It is very hurtful personally, and wrong of her to spread such things to the family. Is it worth my time to confront her about it?

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Hubby and I talked a lot last night about aging parents. In the absence of dementia, do they just let the natural filters lift and say whatever they're thinking? Neither of our mothers have dementia, but, wow, the things they will say! Hubby always tells me not to be hurt, not to feel angry or sad--but I tell him that's easy for him to say, since he sees his mother once or twice a YEAR, and she lives 15 minutes from us. My mother is 2 miles away and until yesterday, I was really doing superhuman things for her---she just crossed a line that I can't get over, so I am going to nurse my wounds and walk away. I WISH I could blame her nastiness on dementia--she's just reverting to the way she was when I was a kid.
If your brother understands, then he should understand that mom isn't telling the truth (well, it's HER truth)...and hopefully you'll feel better. Yes, it's hurtful. Yes, you have every right to feel bad. But we have to get over it. (Good advice I need to take for myself)
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I think your profile provides your own explanations to your questions. You’ve already analyzed the situation!

Your mother is skilled at evoking sympathy, you brought her to live closer to you after your father died, she hates being in AL, and you feel that you might have been manipulated all your life.

Fast forward and factor in the dementia, heighten her resentment that her “favorite son” is probably who she blames for placing her in a facility, and remember that she’s apparently been successful at manipulating people.

Given the dementia, I think it would be hard to factor out that and determine how much of her accusations are manipulation to make you feel guilty and/or take her away from the facility.

The fact that her accusations address hotels and squandering her alleged savings suggests to me that there’s still resentment toward you for finding a placement for her, and she’s trying to hurt you by making you feel guilty. And of course that could be heightened by the dementia which from what I’ve read can reach deeply into a person’s psyche and exploit unresolved issues, sometimes from decades ago.

I wish it weren’t true but these hurtful situations can frequently occur with the person for whom we’re trying to do the most at this time in their lives.
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Paranoia is very common in dementia. If it weren't you handling her finances it would be someone else and that person would be the person blowing her money in your mom's mind. I know it's difficult but try not to take it personally. It's the disease talking, not your mom.
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Thanks Babalou! I heard about it through my brother. He understands about the dementia. It's just very hurtful that she's even doing it....
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Your mom has dementia, yes? Her brain is broken; you can't reason with dementia.

You need, in a non defensive manner, let you siblings know what is actually going on.
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