Is it worse for the caregiver or the dementia patient?

I can only go by my experience with my father who had Alz but for some reason I always felt like he was "locked up" in there somewhere. He didn't speak much the last couple of years but he would look at me and I just felt he knew what was going on. I don't know if this makes sense to anybody. I talked to him as I always had with respect and love. He was my dad, very altered, but still my sweet dad.
I feel being a caregiver is the harder of the two. It's emotionally draining to see the person you love dwindle away and because of the physical, hands on activities, you can't always spend time with them learning to let go.

I found it. I hope you both read it. It will give you an idea from our patient's point of view. After I read it, I started to view mom differently. I now talk to her as if she's hearing me somewhere inside. Most of my family (including the nieces) just treat as if she's not there. They don't talk to her. And I don't fault them, really. I was like them, too. Well, actually, I still spoke to mom but I just never really believed that she Comprehended what I was saying.

Here is the thread. When I first read this last year, the patient was named Menohardy. What we didn't know at the time was that his daughter found this site, and signed him on. Therefore, when you read his post, sometimes it's him and sometimes it's the daughter. After his death, she changed the name from Menohardy to Social1.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/Expect-elder-to-help-with-chores-147757.htm?cpage=14

Last year, there was a poster here that in the beginning I did not know that HE was the "patient." At times, he gave such intellectual comments. Only after several posts later, he mentioned his daughter caring for him. And he would mix her up with his sister. It was sometimes confusing because as he was writing as HE perceived it. That's when we started getting an idea that he was not a caregiver but the recipient of one. He revealed how water was painful for his skin. So this helped me to understand why some of the elderly hates showering. His daughter found a way around this. It will give you insight from our patient's point of view. And yes, he also mentioned HEARING people talking about him as if he was not there. He had problem talking at that certain time - but he heard and comprehended what was being said. You should all read this thread. Let me see if I can find it....

I understand what you are saying and I commend you for finding the right way to approach her illness. They are so innocent and child like. Mom had a great connection with my 12 year old daughter. She would crack us up with some things she say. One time my 17 year old nephew came over to play video games. Mom leaned over to me and whispers "I think he's here to take me on a date." I gave us all the giggles. So cute huh?

I truly believe we as care givers suffer more. We witness the journey looking for a glimpse of the past. It's like mourning for someone who hasn't died.
But there is a innocence in them that really makes you want to protect them.
Mom would get so agitated when people came over..I eventually kept people from visiting just to spare mom and everyone around her from the drama.
It's really tough to call it because the times when she would wake up scared and confused...it was so frustrating. I loved my mom so much and I hate that she had to go this way. But I know from my perspective it was agonizing. God bless you.

I am not trying to demean dementia in no way by all means just thinking as I look at my mom how innocent she is and how cute she is when she does things the way I looked at my babies when they were trying to open something and they would get aggrevated just like her. She tries to put on her disposible diapers and puts 2 feet in one hole then calls me and tells me it's not working. I just see the things that she does is cute maybe it is my way of handling things and not getting so caught up in a bad way but feeling content at the same time. I love my mom to death and even though the person she is now is not my mom I still see her as my mom. I know the end result is bad but I am not there yet because I am taking one day at a time. I am enjoying her as much as I can. Cancer is alot harder because you know they are in pain but my mom has no pain just for her memory loss. It's a hard road for all of us, but for me right this minute I am content with it. My heart is full of love and my mind is content for her.