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My husband is 94, I am 82 . We have been married 59 years. He has dementia and no longer uses his legs because his knees hurt from arthritis. He cannot walk any more. I cannot lift him. He sleeps almost all the time now and only eats purée and drinks Ensure. I can't leave him alone at all.,but he is otherwise healthy. I think he is winding down.

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FF, my favorite story from my FIL is when he was in the Navy, during the Korean War, how the "green water" was so fierce as it came up over the bow of the ship! There are so many stories and memories that our elder folks have had and have lived through, they really are amazing, but gosh, when you've heard them a thousand times, they do get a bit stale, and that's when the giggles start in, not to be mocking them, its just Funny! So That's why I think its so important for our Seniors to get out and about, to continue living, especially after the death of their spouse, to make new friends throughout our lifetimes! New people do Love to hear others experiences, and it's important to share them, and keep them alive! I know my kids do take special time with their Grandad, and do listen, though the've heard many of the same stories over and over again too! Moe importantly, it just the and respect given to our LO's, that the main thing!

Sorry to hijack your thread Bigg, but sometimes that's how it goes on these threads, one thing leads to another in our experience with Caregiving!

One thing that does have me worried however, is that my FIL has 20 or so picture albums from their kids growing up, to the many different vacations and cruises that my inlaws took, many with us, over the years, and he won't even look at them. I'm trying to figure out if it's because it's too painful to bring up my deseased MIL, or is he just not interested? I would like to get them out, and look through them with him, but every time I have brought it up, he declines, and I don't push the issue. It's sad really, as I'd like to look at them, but won't upset him, if thats what it's all about. Id hate to think that in the 13 years since she's been gone, he couldn't look through them and be reminded of the many happy times they had together!
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Stacey, when my Dad decided to move to Independent/Assisted Living he was thrilled with the idea of "all these new ears to hear his stories" :)

Like Dad rode a horse to school, all 12 years, which I thought was so cool. And how he got a traffic ticket while going home when his horse ran a STOP sign. That was one story I didn't mind hearing 100 times.
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Biggibu, when you talk to the home care providers why not ask about people coming in each evening specifically to help your husband get washed and ready for bed? It sounds like a two-person job; and that way you could have your supper together, and then afterwards you get a breathing space while he's taken care of.

I'm glad your son is nearby; but I know that our children, no matter how loving, are not the same as our friends and soul-mates. Is there much of a social scene in the condo?
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Vent all you like
I imagine you have a 20 hour week min with the caregiver ? Is it possible to change to 5 days a week for 4 hours at a time ? I know even this must be expensive but some agency's have 2 hour slots to do bedtime checks if you need help in the evening
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Bigg, at 94, I'd let him call the shots. He's tired and winding down. Start preparing yourself that his time is coming, as nobody lives forever. Sad as that is to even think about! But we do need to prepare ourselves.

It does sound like you need more help, as in more hours of care givers in your home, if you intend on staying there. Is this something you can afford, or will his insurance pick up some of the payment for such? There are programs like PACE, Which is covered by Medicaid, if he is eligible for Medicaid, which goes by your total monthly income.

What an amazing story you have, being married for so long! I'll bet you do have stories! Do you 2 have kids who could come in and pick up a few hours here and there? Unfortunately, as we get older, we just need more help, and if that means it's time to move together into an Assisted living facility, that might be the best thing for the both of you!

There are many gorgeous facilities, and you would probably enjoy being around other seniors and people in your peer group, participating in all of the many activities, which would take a lot of the work of caring for him, off of your shoulders. He could be safe snoozing away in your apartment, while you are off enjoying the socialization of friend and activities, right down the hall!

I have only recently been touring such facilities for consideration for my FIL now 86 (almost 87), and although he is a loner, I hope that once in such a place, he might join in, as he does like to talk, but in our home (where he has lived with us these past 13 years) he doesn't chat alot as we've all heard all his stories, and know about his life experiences. I wish we had pushed him to be independent much earlier, but live and learn, as they say!

You have definitely come to the right place, as there are So Many very experienced caregivers on this site, so keep looking through all the different threads or posts, to learn more about how to make your life easier and better for the both of you! Good Luck!
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Its so hard to know what is the right thing to do, isn't it? If he is getting enough calories throughout the day or will take a snack later then I wouldn't worry too much about lunch, unless he has to get up for medications. Today my mom refused lunch, but she did ask for hot chocolate which can be made with milk for extra calories and nutrition. It's amazing how she can maintain her weight on very few calories (1000 - 1200). Just encourage him to get enough to drink because not enough fluids can cause all kinds of problems.
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I do use Voltaren gel and it does help me but him not so much. We live alone in a condo since 2 years, after being in our own home for 30 years near Asheville NC . Our son moved us to be closer to family. It does help, but I miss the mountains and my friends.
Harold is not interested in anything any more. He plays games on his I-pad when he is awake and watches very little TV. Can't follow it any more. But he still knows us and listens to us chat, without participating.
Sorry, I'm venting 😏
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I have a caregiver 4 times a week for 5 hours each time. It's a great help but not enough because the evenings are the hardest because I am so tired myself then.
Right now he is asleep since this morning and doesn't want lunch. Should I insist on eating or let him call the shots?
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Biggibu, don't worry about hubby sleeping, at 94 he has and still is living a long life, and done a lot of things, so he is tried.

My parents who both were in their mid to late 90's [both still lived in their house] would sleep through the night, then had a nap after breakfast, then another one after lunch, a nap before dinner, then a long nap after dinner.

Yes, arthritic knees can really hurt, my Dad had painful knees and the doctor prescribed "Voltaren Gel" lotion which really did help... it got Dad walking again, enough for him to get around the house.

I see from your profile you still live at home... any chance of moving to Independent Living/Assisted Living? Hubby might sleep less if he is in activities with people from your generation. And you wouldn't need to worry about lifting him, you can call the Staff to do that.

In northern Virginia are a lot of excellent Independent Living/Assisted Living facilities to choose from. Go on the internet and type in "retirement-living Sourcebook" which will give you info on all the retirement facilities.
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I think you may be right. Do you have enough help to look after him?
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