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Mom moved in with us over a year ago. She had a chronic cough..otherwise she was eating and drinking normally. About 3 months ago she started bowel inconsistency and we finally insisted she wear depends. She eats less then 500 calories a day, lost 10 lbs in the beginning of November, I took her back to the doctor 6 days later because she is up all night with diaherra, lost 6 lbs. She is 84 lbs. she is on a walker, sleeps 3 hours a day, doesn’t eat, doesn’t sleep at night due to bowel incontinence. I can't take care of her myself anymore, I am worn out on the edge of a breakdown myself. She has scans today, has to go for labs, more scans next week, then a follow up on the 12th. I am really worried she needs a hospital , hospice, something professional to help diagnosis quickly her situation and get the best care. Instead what I’m seeing is a slow drawn out miserable process where medically it’s hard not to understand why a 90 year old who is losing lbs a day isn't in the hospital. It’s as if death is just slow decline and it’s so cruel. Please help me. I’m so lost I can’t help anyone at this stage and called my sister and told her to get here after Mom asked me what I did for her yesterday, I am done.

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Chill, so sorry to read what is happening to your Mom. I know it is hard to watch a parent going through this.

Sounds like it is time to change Mom's primary doctor and find a Geriatric Doctor, one who specializes in elderly health.

That chronic cough could be an indicator of aspiration, where food and liquids are going into the lungs instead of the stomach. That can make one afraid to eat because they can't. A hospital could check that out with doctor's orders.

Or the stomach upset would be food related. As we age, some of us start to have an intolerance to milk, ice cream, cottage cheese, regular cheese, anything dairy related. My Dad had that issue.  Once I got Dad to use Lactaid milk, Lactaid ice cream, etc. that really did help him.

My Mom had lost a lot of weight but it was due to her dentures which were hurting her, there was nothing her dentist could do for her any more. Mom was 97, so modern dental technology was now out of her reach.

Hope you can find what is going on with your Mom. Keep us up-to-date as we learn from each other here.
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Chill, most of us reach the point that we cannot do it any longer. Nor should we. We have our lives too which are difficult to reclaim after providing extended care for a loved one. Yes mom sounds like she should be evaluated for hospice care. If her doc will not, get another doc that specializes in geriatrics. Best wishes to you.
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Chill, it's unclear to me if what you're describing is incontinence or chronic diarrhea. If she's having several loose movements a day and not eating or drinking much, she is probably dehydrated.

Have you considered taking her to the ER?
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Thanks for replies. Sister is her now, and I’ll update you how this pans out. Mom thinks she’s her to just give me a break. Reading this site the past year has been so supportive I’ve never seen a more united community. So i’d Like to update this for others going through similar process. Bless you folks who posted it means a great deal.
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I'm thinking of you from far, sending you strength. It's so so hard to think clearly in these moments.

I'm with BarbBrooklyn on this; you don't have to take a final decision on anything right now, Hospice, Hospital, Home... just rule out a real emergency, take her to the ER, you can always take her back home and have a skilled nurse and a doctor for a few days until you'll both feel better and then decide what to do.

I've been there, I know exactly how terribly hard it is, but even ugly things can completely heal. Keep being strong. You are not alone.
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She needs to be in a skilled nursing facility. Ask her doc about a Hospice evaluation.
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Dear Chill,

I'm glad to hear your sister has arrived to support you. Its an extremely difficult situation. You are doing your best but your mom's situation is worrying. I know its not easy. Hang in there, you are in my thoughts.
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Hopefully the scans will show something. Your Mom may need rehab care to get her weight back up.
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