I am 62 and my husband is 82. He suffers from numerous phobias, emotional problems and now symptoms of Parkinsonism since suffering a severe concussion two years ago. He is often depressed, feels his situation is futile and that he is dying. His doctors have checked out nearly every part of him and he's really in pretty good shape except for the above mentioned problems . He is very attached to me and my care. My problem is that he is not a good patient due to his fears and does not participate in treatments that may help him if they require any type of sedation or if possible side effects listed are frightening to him. This severely limits our treatment options. I have caregivers with him during the day so I can work and I care for him nights and weekends; as well as mapping out all appointments and accompanying him to same. I am sole care for him evenings and weekends. After two years of this I am exhausted mentally and physically. Our daughter lives on the other coast and has invited me to visit for 5 days. When she first invited me I thought it was not a good idea but the more I think about it I really would like to re-charge. Problem is I feel sooooo guilty about leaving him. I told him I'd like to go for a few days and would arrange live-in care until I return but he's very anxious and doesn't want me to go. He says he feels he is wasting away and dying. Is it wrong for me to want to get away for a few days? Why do I feel so guilty? Is doing something for me being selfish at his expense?

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The thing is, he can be "wasting away" for another ten years.

I'd say what your husband is feeling is not at all unusual. You are his lifeline. He views you as the only thing standing between him and abandonment. He is afraid that something will happen to you . . . and THEN?? What will happen to him??

Go. Have a good time. You'll be very glad you did. Tell the caregiver to call you if she needs anything at all or if you can be of any help. Call him every other evening, and relish this rare opportunity to get away.
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I think as long as you are satisfied that your husband will have kind carers looking after him who will care for him to the required standard, you should go and visit your daughter. You do need a break and your husband is, in one sense, used to another person for the times you have to work. Please go and enjoy yourself. The five days will be over very quickly. Obviously you will think or him and be concerend about him during your stay with your daughter, but keep in regular but not overly regular contact with the caregiver/s who are going to be caring for your husband, and please try to just switch off for a while and relax. You will feel so much better for it. ..Hug from me.
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Listen to Jeanne she knows what she talking about..

Please take the break you need.? Your husband will be looked after by professionals.. Your daughter needs you too.. Hugs.
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Feeling guilty is part of caregiving. Sorry.

If you go, you will feel guilty about leaving husband.

If you don't go, you will feel guilty about not seeing daughter, and the next time you lose patience with Hubby you will feel guilty that you didn't take some recharge time.

I used to try to talk people out of feeling guilty. But I think that is unrealistic. The best we can strive for is to push the unearned guilt into the background and make decisions without considering it.

It is Not Your Fault that your husband has these problems. It is very sad, and it isn't his fault, either, but it is nothing for you to feel guilty about.

I cared for my husband with dementia for ten years. I would do it again in a heartbeat. The one thing I would change is to take a little more respite to recharge once in a while.
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