My daughter is a nursing student working as a caregiver for an elderly woman living in her daughter's home. She often witnesses the daughter (call her J) yelling at her mother, intimidating her, threatening to throw her out if she doesn't do/not do various things, not giving her mom her 6 am meds because she "didn't want to wake her," and leaving her in bed for extended periods. Today, the woman told my daughter she really wished she knew why J doesn't like her.
More experienced caregivers in the home have just told my daughter that "J gets like that" and to just ignore it. My daughter is having a hard time doing that, but doesn't want to quit, hoping she is a positive in the lady's life. She also hesitates to make a report, fearing that investigation will worsen the woman's situation. She is also hesitant to open the subject with J, who is apparently pretty intimidating, for the same reason - as well as wanting to keep her job.
I've offered all the ideas I can think of - can anyone offer some advice? I know that there is likely a lifetime of baggage that impacts the pair's current relationship. As an outsider, the situation looks like emotional abuse to me, as well as possible neglect.
For those who are wondering, I am aware that me posting rather than my daughter is odd. She just texted me on a break while at work, upset about the latest interaction, so I thought I'd get the ball rolling.
Thanks!
THIS IS MEDICATION ABUSE at its minimum
There is no excuse for shouting at her mum none whatsoever. I never shout at mum - I do go and scream in the garage; I do rant in here; But never at her. If your daughter finds J intimidating just imagine how her vulnerable mum feels. THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Equally leaving her in beds for extended periods is neglect and could result in a whole host of difficult to treat issues the least of which is probably bed sores. THIS IS NEGLECT
If you need further proof have a look at this site:
http://www.ilrctbay.com/upload/custom/abuse/content/factsheets.htm
Its a canadian website but abuse is pretty much universal
SHE MUST REPORT IT - SHE HAS A DUTY OF CARE TO
If the mother is OK with the daughter's care then perhaps your daughter should look for a different position. There is a huge need for help for the elderly these days.
I think I would take a different approach. Your daughter can speak privately with "J", emphasize that she's a nursing student and is anxious to learn all she can, especially about a caregiver's family dynamics as well as the relationship between the elderly person and her/his caregivers. Make it a general statement and inquiry, and a quest for advice and counsel for a young novice from an experienced caregiver.
Perhaps J will be flattered that her opinion is valued and be more candid in sharing her experiences and position. And it might even be the only compliment she gets for her labors.
As for not waking her for meds and letting her stay in bed all day, there are times when I have done the same with my mom, so again it all needs to be taken into context. If her needs are met most of the time a little flexibility is usually not going to be harmful.
I'm not saying your daughter should turn a blind eye to obvious abuse, but she is a brand new (idealistic?) young student nurse who perhaps has not had much life experience. The other caregivers seem to agree the caregiver daughter is pushy and can be unpleasant, but they don't seem to be concerned for the mom's well-being. Is there a school counsellor she could confide in and ask for advise?