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How do you do it. My mother has Alzheimer’s and moved in a year ago. We take her to adult daycare, and pick her up after work. I get off first pick her come cook supper give her bay. We are worn out and never have time for us. I would like to put in a home put her retirement is not enough, but too much for help. We are fading fast. What is the answer or where do you turn.

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You have a right to be tired! You'll still be a part of the care team if she goes into a home, so don't let guilt stop you.
She will have to pay from her assets until they are spent down to qualify for financial assistance. That can happen fast, depending on how much money she has. It's worth it. Look for a good home, help her with the transition, visit and be part of her care team, and pay for her care from her funds until she qualifies for Medicaid. It truly sounds as though it's time.
Take care of yourself and your marriage,
Carol
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@ Ginamahoney: you need to get DPOA or Guradianship ASAP, so you'll be legally able to make these hard decisions. Your dad may be angry, but there can actually be dangerous situations where it's very needful to intervene. Maybe your folk's doctor, pastor, respected friend, or eldercare attorney can help...and please DON'T feel guilty asking for help. ♥
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The first thing would be to call your your social service office and get a medicaide form-you might want to use her money to pay for an elder lawyer's advice it will be worth it in the long run because the medicaide form is very complicated because their impression is that everyone is trying to get out of paying their fair share which of course is not true but in the past people have done that. Start looking for nursing homes-my best advice would be to go and see the closes ones to you-see about 3or 4 so you can get an idea of how they are and while visiting them talk to the social worker at each one they have the experience to get through the red tape. You might want to get a notebook to write down who you talk to and what was said and the date because you will be talking to so many people and you should get their names also. I tried to do the paperwork myself and it was necessary for an elder lawyer and a social worker to help me-what Carol above said is it in a nutshell. A lawyer told me the 60 % of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for do because of the stress of caregiving and you know when you reach that point which it sounds like you have - do not feel quilty because you will still be a part of the team and it does no one any good to kill yourself-actually if she does not have many assests it is a lot easier to get her placed-you are not responsible for the expense of her care -they use her assests to deturmine when she qualifies for medicaide and the social worker at the nursing home you choose will help you because the faster it is done the sooner they get paid-I learned a lot from the experience-at first is seems overwhelming but take it one step at a time and let us know how you are doing because the people here on AC want to be of help and your experiences will help others also. Carol has been a caregiver to 7 people I believe and I have been on here over 3 years and she gives very good advice.
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my inlaws have the $ to be put in a home or get help at home but they will not do this. Dad will not spend the $ and i have just now been able to get a comfort keeper in to help when i am at work. We still need someone to help at night but cannot get dad to understand this. He is 86 and thinks we can just do it. Mom is 89 and is full blow alz. She needs 24/7 care and it is so hard now to take care of her now that she doesn't understand anything.
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Thanks for all the advice and all the "venting" i feel like all my conversations with my friends and family revlove around my "old kids" now. It is getting so stressful between my husband and I. Our home, just 2 years old is now nothing but the smell of urine and feces. It is heart breaking! We will continue to do the best we can. God Bless to all and everyone Hang on! LOL!
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I really appreciate this link as it does allow me to vent here instead of burning up my fellow worker's ears and friends. It is consuming my life, I am so burnt out and my husband just thinks that there should be no reason to complain and doesn't think it is hard at all. Now mind you, he is never around her maybe more than an hour a day and he makes sure he is too busy to help. I have to put my foot down and make him help. It is his step-mom and his dad's 3rd wife, so he really has no connection to her. It is quite sad in my eyes and do all I can. And pray, alot!
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gina - we have a 9th grader and it is interesting on how all this has impacted him. Much of what DH & I have done regarding the mom's has been about what is the healthiest for our son, our family.

My MIL was a selfish, demanding, financially self-destructive piece of work. After a number of incidents (including being held up at gunpoint), we got her into a good NH that was old, old so it really was more an IL (she was in her own efficiency with a shared full big bath), that was blocks from her old place. Food was great, there was an outgoing afternoon sherry group, staff was multigenerational and caring. But going to see her was always a nasty hateful visit. When he was in 1st grade, he said Dad I don't want to go see Gramma Jean until she speaks nice to you. When she died in May, all he said was something like glad that's over.

My point in this is that by making ourselves bone-dead tired in taking care of in-laws or parents and fighting with family over care & $$ for those who have the ability to pay for care or putting up with manipulative parents leaves an impression on our kids that is not healthy and they are going to run for the hills or South America when we hit our 80's.
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I told my daughter, as soon as you see me like that, put me in a NH because I never want to put you all through this. My 2 sons, 19-17 are great w/MIL, but my daughter is getting resentful due to being up most of the night because of screaming and blabbing nonsense all night, her room is almost next to theirs. The stench of urine and feces is enough to knock anyone out. I have been trying to make myself less available to make my husband do the hands on of cleaning her up when the nurse is not there, since he thinks it is a waste of $. I am hoping after he gets a little more hands on he will understand. I think we are finally getting a nurse in at night from 12-6 AM. That will be a blessing in itsself. God Bless!
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We are in the process now of getting mother on Medicaid. We did see a lawyer who deals with elder care because the laws are absolutely confusing.

With the help of your family doctor, put your mother in the hospital for three days and the doctor can order her to have rehab for 20 days in a nursing home and Medicare pays for it. This will give you a much needed break. And tell your mother the doctor ordered her rehab so she will stay there for the 20 days.

All of her money, except $2,000.00 needs to be used out of her account/investments, etc. on remodeling her house, helping with the grandkids' college, even getting a car to use to go back and forth to the nursing home, etc. So, someone needs to have Power of Attorney (POA). When her money is done to $2,000 then apply for Medicaid with the help of the lawyer and/or the nursing home she will go into. There are several ways to get on Medicaid. The lawyer will know all the state and federal rules.

It takes awhile to get this done, so go ahead and bite the bullet and get it started.

Our lawyer charged $200.00 for our visit and he sent letters about the visit to all the children, so everyone would know what is going on. Mother has some money, so we are paying the nursing home out of her money for now. This was the least complicated of all. We will see the lawyer on a "must see" basis...not until her money is nearly to $2,000.00. So that is where we are at the moment.
Her nursing home is $100.00 a day and we pay once a month. If she goes to the nursing home beauty shop, they tack that onto the bill.

We switched to a pharmacy that delivers her medicine to the nursing home, so that saves me having to do all that. The pharmacy sends me the bill once a month and that comes out of mother's money, too.

We also pay her supplement and Humana for her drugs out of her Social Security check.

My husband and I live in mother's house and have for 4 years, so the house is "safe" from being taken because "adult children live in it." So, that was a blessing.

Anyway, God bless you in dealing with all this. My husband and I got to where we absolutely did not have a life and mother was so mean to us...she has dementia really bad. Now, she is nice to me when I go see her every other day at lunch time. And, she is mean to the nurses a lot. Our life was totally miserable living with her. If she had not turned out mean, it would have been different I'm sure. But, that's not what we got.

Bless your heart. God bless you. God bless caregivers.
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Hi Gina. My heart is breaking for you and your situation. About seven years before she passed away, my mother fell at our house and broke her hip. That moment was a turning point for everything and everyone that was a part of my life. She was not intentionally demanding, but she had no concept about the value of money. She couldn't understand that it took all of her income (after her assets were gone), plus my supplementing her, to afford to keep her in the ALF I wanted for her. It was five minutes from our home and was a lovely place, and I didn't mind supplementing her income. When I finally realized she had no concept of money, I made sure she had some money to go with her friends when there was a shopping trip or activity. I even gave her money to go spend at the casinos, because she seemed to enjoy it so much! It made me happy to see her comfortable and, if not happy, at least content. I was retired and working a second job. What used to be my "mad money" soon became "Mom's money." I made a point to see her every day. I made friends with the owners of the ALF and the people who lived there. Half of the people there thought I worked there, and the other half thought I was someone who was being paid to care for my mother. :) When seeing her once a day was not enough, though, and she started calling "needing" something else after I got home, it was pulling me in all directions. I knew it upset my husband for her to pull my strings,but I was also devoted to my mother. I got to the point that I had to see a counselor, because the pressure was about to destroy me. As someone else here said about their home being neglected, ours was the same way. My husband was doing the grocery shopping and cooking, and I barely kept up with the laundry. The rest just kept piling up for all of those years. My husband and I rarely had time together; and, when we did, I was so tired I would fall asleep during a conversation! If we took a week to go out of town, I felt that I had to call and check on her every day. Well, she passed away three years ago. I am happy that I was able to make her final years comfortable and content, and I don't regret a moment I spent with her. In the meantime, however, my husband's anger was building by the moment. He let it all out two weeks after her passing. It totally shocked me and hurt me to the core because of the fragile state of mind and body I was in at the time. We had a very rocky year after that, and I was an emotional wreck. My husband has become someone I didn't remember ever knowing. My best friends were encouraging me to leave or ask him to leave. I was truly at the point of giving up on our 20+ years of marriage. We didn't have children together, but he has grown children from a previous marriage. I called a couple of them and told them what was coming if he didn't do some changing. I think there was some discussion among them and with him.. They had always said I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, so they probably put things in perspective for him. We began to put our life and relationship back together. I am pleased to tell you that we have had two years of happiness, and I feel sure that our commitment to each other has returned. We almost lost each other, though! I didn't realize how much I had neglected him and our home, including Mom's dog that was staying with us, It has been three years, and our house is still in the process of recovering from all of the neglect experienced during the time my mother was living. Now, I can enjoy my husband again, and I can enjoy coming home to him and the precious little dog we inherited. My advice is the same as you have heard from others. Do not let anything keep you from taking care of YOU! What I didn't realize was that I had the power to make decisions; I just wasn't exercising them. Hire a lawyer with her money, get his advice and arrange all of the legal things you will need, and get on with living. Keep your mother in your routine and do as much as you can and are willing to do to make her comfortable. Do not sacrifice your health and marriage in the meantime, though! One day she will be gone, and it will be important to have your health and relationships as your support system. That is not being selfish. It is being sensible. Do not feel guilty, once you have her placed in a NH, if you need time to yourself and can't make her the focus of your life. There will be people there to do all of the things that you have been doing. You have to take care of yourself in order to enjoy life and to be there for the rest of the people in your life. The beauty of it will be that you will enjoy the time you spend with your mother. You will feel better and will be in control of your life again. That should make her happier, too. After I started exercising some "tough love" and setting limits when my mother tried to pull my strings, we were able to be happy together and enjoy the time she had left. I wish you all the best. I still miss my mother very much, but I count my blessings that my time, money, and energy I spent on her did not cause me to lose myself, my former life, and the other people I love in the meantime. God bless you. I will keep you in my prayers and hope to hear that you have taken some of the advice from me and from others and that you and your mother are happier and enjoying each other.
ProfeChari
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