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My mom is 89 and is in early stages of dementia. She no longer has access to the blood pressure meds she takes every morning and she will not stop asking about them. She is given her pills every morning but she wants to have access to them. We are afraid she will forget to take them or take too many. She has started refusing to take them unless we leave the bottle. She is calling her doctor and the pharmacy demanding refills be sent to her. What can we do?

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Hi nineofnine again,

You're in a tough situation. Your Mom is terrified of losing her independence and needs to have control which she used to have before the dementia started.

I have had talks with my Mom about this many times and she tells me with an open heart that she misses driving, misses all the aspects of her life that she "used" to have control over. She even jokes (at 94) and tells me she would like to get a job.

To this day she will wash the dishes (it makes her feel good) and when she's not looking I re-wash them because she doesn't clean them totally which of course she can't help.

As others suggested I have tried finding candy or any sugar looking pill that looked similar to my Mom's meds but my Mom knew the difference, I could not fool her. Then her dementia progressed so she's fine now with me giving her medications. She stopped fighting me but it took a long time.

I really don't have any advice for you except try to have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her you don't enjoy being in control that you are just trying to help her, not hurt her.

Best to you,
Jenna
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replace the pills in the bottle with TicTac candy or other candy
give her the medication as you have been but just take it from the "real" bottle.
If she says she already took it just try to convince her that the one you are trying to give her is for something else, a vitamin maybe. ...(I see someone mentioned the TicTac...sorry)

Personally...how out of control is her BP? is it truly critical that she take it? I guess what I am getting at is at some point particularly with dementia is it really that important to keep medicating? Same with cholesterol medications and some others. You might want to discuss it with the doctor at some point.
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Can she have access to a medicine bottle full of Tic-tacs which is sitting on the counter? If she saw that you hadn't taken away her "medicine" then maybe she'd be more compliant when you stopped by to give her the medicine. Unfortunately that's a very short term suggestion because it seems like she'll probably soon need more supervision and assistance with maintaining her home. It's hard for them and for us to admit that they need more help than we can provide. I'm glad that you've been able to contact the doctor and the pharmacy so she can't get refills but it seems that maybe a visit to the doctor to have him discuss the "new process that is being implemented" might help. Then, it's not you who is doing this but it is the doctor who is doing it.
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One of the maddest mom had been at me was on the first day of Assisted Living, when I handed over all her meds to the nurse there so they could do medication management. She had only begrudgingly let me help her when she lived with me prior to that.
I have heard of pill systems that you load and they dispense with an alarm at a certain time. If you did that you could call or come by at that time to make sure they were taken, but she would still have ownership of the pills. That might be a compromise, at least at this point in her dementia.
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My Mom wanted to have control over her meds too but I was firm with her and explained to her that she was taking too many when she was in control and that she was hurting herself. She said to me "I didn't know that"...

It's difficult because as our parents age they keep losing the independence they once had (driving, shopping, cooking, etc.) and it's a difficult transition to going from being independent to having depend on someone else.

Again, just be firm and explain that you care or love her and don't want to see her harming herself.
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Nineofnine Aug 2020
Thank you for responding. We’ve tried being firm and explaining and believe it or not it was her idea that she not have the pills. But she doesn’t remember that now. Now she only remembers that she doesn’t have them and she gets furious when we explain why she can’t have them. She is still able to take care of herself. Doesn’t need help bathing or cooking. She cleans her house. We control her medication and pay her bills. Not having her medication is making her so difficult to be around as she lashes out every morning.
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Notify her doctor and pharmacy. I am assuming you are her medical POA. If not, this is a serious problem as she could conceivably have meds mailed to her; if she is this unrealistic you are absolutely correct; she very well could get hold of medications and take them on her own, causing a serious overdose and even death. Important that all entities are notified so that her records can be flagged.
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Nineofnine Aug 2020
Thank you. Yes my sister is POA. There is no way she’ll get the medication delivered and her doctor knows to call us and not her.
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