I wonder if my Mom is reaching the end. I don't know what signs to look for but she is different now. Would you share your experience?

No one has control over when someone is going to die, and the sooner you realize that the better you will be. You need to give yourself permission to be the best YOU can be and that is good enough. No one else matters but your opinion of yourself. Cheer up and live your life the best you know how. Her CHF could be the reason she is "puffy" (edema).

I am similar situation w/my mother, lives w/ me, 24/7 relentlessness, supportive awesome husband, I work full time, siblings don't help, and like you had reached my wall. I was tired, angry resentful. I had so much resentment towards 2 sisters not helping, visiting etc, plus in a very bad situation at work. Once I realized I couldn't handle it anymore, I put my mother in respite care and it has been amazing to have a break for myself, husband and kids. My 86 yo mother is healthier after a long year of near death, final straw was hospice pulling out. 2 details of my situation is that she understood I needed a break even tho she has dementia and she has the $ to pay for it. I thought to myself why didn't I do this earlier? But you do it when it's not a choice anymore it's a must for your sanity and your life. I see me in your post and encourage you to take a break. Nobody but nobody knows what it's like 24/7 so they do seem clueless or insensitive, I know. Take care and take a break!!!

Your so wonderfully but weather you her or some one here we know not when our last day will come so enjoy the flowers as they bloom watch the grass as it grows see the leaves on the ground and cout the snow flakes as they blow as God is the only one who knows yes I am a poet but I also care for a loved one now and I have lost many too when and where and with who are important on there last breath every day of life should be dear let her share her world with you while she is awake and enjoy here peace while she sleeps a visiting nurse will ck her and help you feel at easy please keep care of your selfe as well as many a care taker has passed before the loved one I have a very sick husband but I myself forget I am far from young or well and at times I remind him I may see God first then I think what will happen to him his family will toss him in a care center and not visit and mine will not either so I must find a place for him just don't bet you will out live her as only God knows

Hello, I am experiencing the same and it breaks my heart. I recently had to make the decision to move my Mom to a care home because she needed 24 hr care and I have to work and there is no one else. Each time I see her now I want to just sit and hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and Jesus loves her. She seems to have given up. She doesn't want to eat and is getting weaker. My Mom is 87 and has lived a good life and for that I'm very thankful. Her doctor has arranged for a nurse to check on her weekly and to receive physical therapy to get her up and walking again. I don't want to see her bed ridden. I miss the person who used to live in her body.

I second the person who suggested asking hospice for a consultation. If she is tranditioning, they can be very helpful.

You will NEVER lose her take my word for it. I just had my dad transition 2 weeks ago but always feel his presence with me. And before he transitioned I got into the bed with him and kept kissing him and telling him how much I loved him. I am at total peace and I did the same with my mom 12 years ago. Do NOT get me wrong I miss them both terribly but they just are doing their thing awating my arrival one day. God Bless

Lasting, you need help and you need it now. I have zero experience but I think some nursing homes will provide respite care for a few weeks. If the funds are available i would definitely do that to allow you and your husband to get some rest and to find a permanent place for mom. No one will be sitting at moms beside 24/7 unless you hire a private duty nurse. The care you are giving your mother now will not be the same in a nursing home from what I have experienced. Good luck and try and get yourself some immediate help.

Rosebush,

To be totally frank, I knew this wasn't my cup of tea on the get-go. I have a 50-60/hr/week job as an operations manager for a major university.

But my family said they would help - of which none of them have.

Also, I didn't know my mom had dementia or that we'd be dealing with a mentally incapacitated person. The physical part is easy compared to the mental part. Though now soiling her pants continually all day is not very fun. And continually washing soiled clothes. She is a lot of work and we never get the heck out of here. We are also on a tether. That is getting a bit tiring and stressful. So I came into this gig unaware and also with NO knowledge as to how to deal or care for this type of person. But have learned. Though the mental part is still getting to me.

I'm sure the NH will have someone sitting next to her all day holding her hand, playing Chinese checkers or other games, and taking her to the bathroom upon her beller night and day. Covering her up and removing blankets as her temperature dictates during the night. Feed her in the middle of the night when the baby bird complains of hunger after she had a homemade dinner of meatloaf, tangy sauce, mashed potatoes, fresh green beans, cucumber salad - all organic, homemade and fresh! Breakfast is freshly grated potatoes for hashbrowns and her organic egg with yolk fully cooked, OJ, milk. Organic apples and fruit for snacks. Make sure she has supplements to benefit her ailing head. Bathe her and wash and set her hair every day. Take her for rides in the country. Bring her to her own doctor who follows the protocol for her needs - vs. standard of care for the elderly. I bet they will do that for no pay like we've been doing all this time. They'll do that and live at the facility 24/7 right next to her and do nothing else and make sure he is okay all the time. Did you say, "dreamer, you're nothing but a dreamer..." But that is the life and care she has at our home - and the state of our life providing care for her.

You keep being the good person you are - that's a good thing.

LO

News to me thanks, learn something new everyday 😊

Hi Rosebush,

It is supposed to be disclosed in our state. You hang with Babalou--that's cool.

Respectfully,
LO

Last one I am glad you realize your situation with your mom is too much for you to handle. I think perhaps looking for a nursing home for mom may be the best thing for all concerned. You gave it your best and that is all that matters. Good luck with finding a wonderful place for your mom.

I don't think there was anything wrong or offensive in Babalou's question. A large majority of the people who care for the elderly at home plan to keep them there till the end. Your choice is different, no reason to slam Babalou. I have been involved with the purchase of many houses and I can guarantee that no realtor would know the answer to the question if someone died of old age in a home.

Dear Rosebush,

Thank you for your kind note and for sharing the story of your experience with your mom. You are a lovely and good hearted person with a ton of love and compassion. Hugs to youl

Rosebush, I get it, but don't think I can walk that mile that you did. Matter of fact, I'm getting close to giving up this ship altogether. My marriage matters to me and it is going away - so is my life and my health and my job is at stake. I think I'd like to outlive my mother. I am 40 years younger than she and I hope that I have lots of road to travel yet, but this is killing me. Every day is getting more difficult to navigate. I want the best for my mother, but I also need to "put on my own proverbial mask" and dang it if it won't come out of the holder and drop down for me. I have to dig that sucker out! My mother's mask is there - but not mine or my husband's. Something is seriously wrong with this picture and I think I'm seeing I need to love myself and take care of myself and my husband - my mother has had 100% of our attention 24/7 for 1.5 years. I've loved my mother for a long time, but this is now getting to be a very horrible existence for me. Her life is near end - mine should still be around. It certainly is for the 5 siblings that don't do squat for their mother. She'd be in a NH if she wasn't in our home.

I never knew she had dementia when she came here. I got her to rise from being a shell of a person and not being able to even support herself sitting up to being able to use a walker from her wheel chair to the bathroom, etc. to feeding herself and to stop shaking and to be able to talk again. But her dementia is not good and she keeps us up all night - I haven't slept since a full night she got here.

I can't let her kill me anymore. Sorry to be a bummer. But I think this whole conversation has put much in perspective and this isn't just about my mother - I and my husband should have a life too - though it is absent at present.

When it is all said and done I know I will miss my mother and I will be glad for what I was able to give her. It's just I'm running out of resources and life.

Respectfully,
LastOne

Hi Lastone. I too took care of my mom at home until she passed. I had a doctor whose sole practice was the homebound. If I felt someone was off, I did not hesitate to call and she would send a nurse from the local visiting nurse association. If you are still taking your mom out to doctors visits, I would not hesitate to call. That doctor can set you up with a few nursing visits. First I want to commend you on the wonderful job that you and your husband are doing taking care of mom. This is probably the hardest "job" you have ever had but let me add it will be the most rewarding. You know your mom the best, you are with her everyday. If you feel something is not right, call the doctor, you are your mom's advocate. In my opinion, I really didn't care if the doc thought I was crazy or a pain in the a**. This was my mom, I would go to hell and back for her.
There is no right or wrong way to feel. But do not ever think you did not do your best and I am sure you made each and every decision with live in your heart. That is all that matters. I can tell you how it was with my mom. My mom could barely stand to move her from bed to wheelchair, to stairchair, to potty to recliner. Although she was very advanced in her dementia and parkinsons she ultimately died from a brain bleed from an old aneurysm. One day she told us she was tired and didn't want to get out of bed, but she did eat a little. Next day hardly any food, still in bed. Her pulse ox (we had one at home) was in the
80's. Monday we took her to the ER, told about the brain bleed and in 48 hours had hospuce set up and brought her home. She lasted a little over 2 weeks. She slept most of the day, had moments of awareness. Slowly her urine decreased and i could no longer get any pulse ox readings. Her passing was the most beautiful and peaceful I have ever seen. It was what I had prayed for. I never left her side the entire time. Honestly I felt relief that my mom was no longer suffering. In my head she was in heaven with her sisters, walking, talking and dancing. I was heartbroken that my mom was gone but have come to realize rhat she is with me everyday. On the day she died i told her if I ever had the chance to see the Ling Island Medium that she better come thru. This was one if the shows we watched together. I miss and think of my mom everyday but know she is in a better place with our Lord. Sorry I was so long and I hope this help you in some small way. P.s. If offered hospice, take it immediately, these are a wonderful group of people that are available to help your mom and you and your family. Wishing you peace and comfort. 😇🙏

Babalou,

Really?? What did you want to learn from your question about me not wanting to have my mom die in my home that is already riddled with her and leaves me no life. BTW, did you want your mother to die in your home?

LastOne

Last One, I'm so sorry my question offended you, truly. We all learn from each other here. I hope that everything works out well for your mom and you. My best, and again, I'm sorry.

Sorry Pamstegma, I must of hit the send button before I was ready. Again, thank you for your understanding and compassion. And for sharing the signs of what I was asking about. Your photo looks like you have a nurse cap on...are you a nurse! Cute photo! You look like a very nice person and you have a beautiful smile and a warm personality.

Best-
LastOne

Dear Pamstegma,

Thank you for understanding and being c-o-m-p-a-s-s-i-o-n-a-t-e.

LastOne, I fully understand you not wanting her to die at home. When she is close to death, she will not be eating or drinking, you will see heart rate increase and O2 levels falling. Labs will be off. I think she has a way to go yet. Ask her MD for a prognosis.

Hi Babalou,

Also, I read your profile. Your person is in a facility. You get to go home to sanity. I have to live in "Insaneville." I don't have a real home anymore. It has been taken over my by mother and caregivers. I have no sanctity, no refuge - I live in this anxiety, hellish world of my mother 24/7. It is very stressful. I think if you had about a week in those shoes - you'd understand quite clearly. In your case you will never have to encounter this situation. So you question sort of is kind of not so nice.

LastOne

Dear Babalou,

People don't like to buy a house a person dies in. I don't want to live in one that someone has died it. I never have. I will care for her, I just can't have her pass away here - if I know about it. Feels kind of weird and I don't want to live with any spirits here afterwards...just is kind of like that. Kind of a personal thing.

Would you like to have someone die in your home? For me, I like happy memories in my home - not death.

Sorry if that isn't an answer you want from me - but it is the truth.

LastOne

Why is that? Why is it that you can care for her there but can't have her die there? I'm really asking, I'm curious.

Hi GardenArtist,

On the contrary, I do want to know.

I just know that if I know it's coming - it can't happen at our house. I would have to move out. I could no longer live here.

LastOne

Perhaps it's better that you don't know exactly how her life will end; it might cause more anxiety.

And thank you for the kind words.

Dear GardenArtist,

Again, thank you for your replies and thoughts. All good. As you may have read I've had her in for labs and doc appointments recently - her labs are better than mine or my hubbies.

Just this afternoon she had a normal moment that made me cry. I gave her a hug. I've told both my parents all my life the good things and have thanked them numerous of times for the good stuff they have done for me. I have not been one to take advantage of someone - especially my parents. I was only 23 when I married, but I didn't let them take the burden of paying for my wedding - I went the cheapest route possible, paid for everything, except food which my mom made (awesomely good), I bought the cake and accessories and had a wedding at my parents farm and invited no friends - only family. My folks invited their friends. I digress.

I just don't know what the end looks like for a dementia person with my mom's ailments.

This is a crazy life and existence.
LastOne

Dear Sunnygirl1,

Thank you for your very kind words. My mom is living with us. The rest of my family has hung her out to dry (along with us - they don't help or seem to care about their mother). So we're in this gig by ourselves. Caregiver is here only 7 hours M-F 9-4pm. - so I can attend to my job and hubby can sleep (he's the night caregiver and lately it's a heck of a job).

This dementia thing is a terrible disease.
LastOne
P.S. It's hard not to use a real name - I keep deleting it! (smile)

Dear pamstegma,

I have those things. She was just at the doc's office on 7/29 and her labs come through better than mine! I don't think they were going to do any labs on her and I insisted they be done.

Thanks for your reply-- it is greatly appreciated.
LastOne

LastOne, is your mom on Hospice? What has the doctor said about her condition and any expectations? Maybe, if you had some help in the house, you might not feel so nervous.

Today seems to be the day that my thoughts come in segmented spurts, stopping after I post then resuming a few moments later.

You wrote of the dilemma of not knowing what to do, of the possibility that these days are the last.

A cyberfriend once gave me some excellent advice when my sister was dying but I was in denial. She suggested treating every day, every visit, as if it was in fact the last. I would say what you wanted to express to your mother as these thoughts and desires occur, about her being your best friend, about other positive things in your relationship and lives.

I always thought that was good advice - say it now and don't wait. None of us ever really knows when that last moment will come. I wish I had had that advice when my mother died, although she showed no signs whatsoever.

Speaking only to the issue of a home caregiver handling that daunting task, I think LastOne may feel as other caregivers I know do: the responsibility is on her to observe, notice and take action. If she misses something a skilled RN or other health care professional would, she'll feel guilty because it may be an early warning sign.

In a facility, it's the responsibility of the nurses - big difference.. more of them, skilled training, quicker access to diagnostics, sometimes physicians on staff or available quickly for phone consults, while home caregivers don't have those advantages and assistance.

For me and others I know who are home caregivers, this self questioning, self doubt, and almost constant state of wondering and worrying goes with the territory. It's not unusual in my experience.