Dear AC Forum,
My mom is 96, dementia, CHF, pacemaker dependent. Today she is sleeping all day, has a hard time staying awake for much, she uses a walker and walks very slowly but says she can't do that today and is very adamant about it. She usually is cold, but today is not. She looks puffy. I should give her a lasix. The doc took it away and said use as needed. Her feet aren't puffy, but the rest of her looks that way.
I have a stomach full of butterflies, feeling nervous and unsettled. I don't do this part of life well at all. A million thoughts go through my mind. I first beat myself up for not doing better, though I think I've done as good as I could knowing the least about caregiving and what to do for the elderly in this situation and coming into it absolutely with no knowledge and learning along the way. I've tried to maintain my life, but that hasn't happened, as my mom has always come first. Part of me says I could have done better, but that's probably because I was brought up with my parents saying, "you can always do better." So your best was never good enough. Makes one an over achiever and never satisfied unless the job is perfect - hence also hard to take any criticism because I've always laid myself out there.
Part of me is glad I could keep her out of a NH and give her some dignity after what she went through before she got to our house.
And a bigger part of me is afraid of losing her and knowing I'll be without my best friend for the rest of my life. In spite of not having that kind of a relationship for several years. So part of me is mourning loss already.
I don't know how to feel or what to do.
If you care to share your story or thoughts, please do. Though, please don't rake me over the coals, I can do a good job of that myself.