Follow
Share

Hi, all. I'm new here, so please bear with me My concern is a woman who took me under her wing when my mom passed away and we've become very close. Compared to other stories I've read, she's doing great, aside from mostly mobility issues. She had an episode over a year ago while visiting her daughter many states away in Florida that forced her into rehab for months. She's back at home now, but she is still not fully researching where to go "later." She uses a walker and can only reach the top 2 shelves of the fridge and only the left side. As I've been reading this message board, I've learned that some assisted living places (where she thinks she's going to go), do not even allow microwaves or toaster ovens. She's wary of microwaves but is very dependent upon her toaster oven - so if Assisted Living says no, she'll be in quite a quandary. She also has issues with her legs, which required wound care and, again based of what I've read here, that's not what most Assisted Living services provide. I spoke to her a few days ago about this - just so she's aware and she essentially shut me down. She moved from her house of 50+ years a few yeas ago into the apartment where she is now and that was very traumatic for her. I'd hate for her to move into an Assisted Living facility only to shortly find out that will not address her needs and then she'll have to move again. Plus, she's an Orthodox Jew, so there are dietary requirements to be considered. There is a Jewish "old folks home," but they want almost 5k a month for basic amenities. So she balks at that.

Since she came back from Florida (where she was in rehab), I've been trying to hint for her to fully examine her options so she is ready and knows what to expect, rather than fall and then get dumped in the nearest available place.

She is so sweet and so kind and she's also typically very savvy - so I don't know why she won't even entertain the thought of looking into facilities besides the basic costs per month. Advice greatly appreciated.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Hobbesmom, you sound like a very compassionate and thoughtful person. It's great that you have the foresight to look into this. Sadly, it's too often that a fall or sudden illness causes a big decline in the elderly person and they have to get someone for care rather quickly. It's much better to have already visited the place and know as many details as possible. You realize this, but she doesn't.

Would she be offended or agree to go with you visit someone in one of the facilities? All you can do is try.

And do you know who has her POA? That should be taken care of ASAP. It's extremely difficult to do once things go downhill. I wish you all the best.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

First of all - WOW! Thank you for all your responses. For the record, I am not Jewish, but I respect her wishes. She's fine eating non-kosher when she is out and about (rare), but ultimately, of course, she'd prefer and keeps kosher where she lives now.

Jeannegibbs - she is my sister's boyfriend's mom - if you can follow that. Her son who lives locally does his best (not mine, but his). Her daughter lives down in FL. The daughter seems to be on board, but her husband fussed after a while all the daughter did was merely visit her mom daily because it made his dinner late. So....she rather prefers her daughter but when push comes to shove and there is a real long-term emergency, she won't be there, based upon past behaviour anyway. My sister is has thyroid cancer and other issues and decided a long time ago to not be involved. I was upset with her about that decision, but perhaps I should do the same = not my mom...not my problem. Still, I would feel better if she would at least research each available nearby facility and be sure to know exactly what each one offers. I could step away much easily, if I knew she did that. She currently is able to do so. Hell, she checks each receipt after her son goes grocery shopping and so forth. She has her wits about her. I'm half her age and have never done that! lol

Pam, I will do my best to ask her to look into that. Thank you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Is she expecting to keep kosher, with food prepared in a kosher kitchen? I cannot imagine that many places could meet that requirement. If there are just certain foods she avoids, that may be easier. If this is a critical requirement for her, perhaps you could offer to research where her dietary needs might be met, so that "if the time comes" she'll already have a list to consider. She might shut you down again, but perhaps looking at just one specific question might meet with less resistance.

I like the idea of talking to her rabbi.

If she just can't bring herself to consider the future right now, perhaps you can do it for her by researching suitable places yourself, and keeping the information for when it is needed. Prices might need to be updated, but you will know which to eliminate based on dietary needs, etc.

It is also possible that she will not need Assisted Living -- that a fall or illness will cause a decline such that she will need a skilled nursing facility. Does the Jewish "old folks home" have that level of care? I think that place needs to be checked out, even if she thinks it is too expensive.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

As far as the legs go, Assisted Living will provide care, but only with a written order from an MD, not just by verbal request from patient or family.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I would look for a Weinberg Campus, like Beth Shalom, nearby and of course her rabbi has probably visited some folks in nursing homes, so I would bend his ear. For 5K a month you buy spiritual peace and a good night's sleep.
As far as the toaster goes, ALF's do not allow anything that generates heat, no irons, portable heaters, mini ovens, electric blankets or even hairdryers. They are all fire hazards.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'd ask the rabbi. Seriously. See if you can find contact details for her shul and give them a call. Pound to a penny they'll have welfare people who will be mines of information which you can then selectively pass on.

She's not thinking about it because she, in the stereotypical way, "doesn't want to know." Can you blame her? - it's an unattractive and extremely expensive prospect that lies ahead. But you're absolutely right, and doing her an enormous favour, to point out gently and respectfully that if she doesn't come up with a plan she'll end up with no choice at all.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

If her needs are all for assistance for physical care and she has no dementia, I would encourage her to get an assessment to see exactly what her needs are. It sound like she may benefit from living in her own suite or room in Assisted Living. I'm not sure what state she's in, but in my state of NC, a resident can reside in assisted living as long as they are able to get in and out of bed with the assistance of one person.

The assisted living staff administer their medications, remind them to go to dining hall for meals and bring then snacks. They provide social events, games, outings, hair salon on site, etc. Continuing to cook her own meals may not be a good idea. If she is struggling with mobility on her own, it's likely she is going to sustain a fall if she continues without assistance.

Does she have the funds for a private person to come into her apt and help care for her?

Perhaps someone who is familiar with religious restrictions can provide you some advice on her food requirements. I have no information on that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.