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I want to get my mom moved into an assisted living facility. Because my initial plan upon her moving in was just providing a safe space where she could live as a roommate. Meaning she pitched in with household duties. She doesn’t have any physical health issues that would prevent her from doing that. She just chooses not to. And when I would ask she makes it seems as if it is too overwhelming for her. But it’s just one task which is sweeping. I try to assign her something small considering her mental illnesses which includes schizophrenia and depression. Everyone else does various tasks. She has a lot of nasty bad habits which are smoking heavily and the smell lingers in the house which I absolutely hate. I gag at the smell. Then she digs in her nose daily and pick scabs from her feet and leaves flakes on the couch. Which I wipe away. She hate the idea of living in assisted living because that is what my siblings were gonna send her before I stepped in and opened my home to her. But now I just think that would be the best decision. I just wanna bring up the idea to her again and get the process started because I don’t know how long it’ll take.

Maylasia,

You have received good responses to your concerns.

Obviously you care about your mom.

I trust that you can turn this situation around and head towards the right direction so your mom can have a safe and stable future.

Wishing you all the best as you put your plan into action.

Move forth with confidence and faith that it will work out for your family. Be at peace with your decision.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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I wouldn’t talk to her until after the holidays. Look for places and start looking for places.
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Reply to Bridger46164
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Oh Boy, whatever you do, make sure she takes her meds!! Schizophrenia is no mental illness to ignore while your doing all this searching, timing the time to tell her and with covid you may sending her into a death trap. The reality of how much money is given to go into senior homes is not spent on that! Please do your research!! contact Eldercare Locater at 1-800-677-1116.
NIH.gov
download pdf: National Association of Area Agencies on Aging.
God Bless and Godspeed!
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Reply to Maddkattier
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MalaysiaMuva Nov 28, 2020
Thank you. Yes she takes her medication. But at times she’ll give in to her bad habits like recently she took a trip to spend Halloween with her cousins and gambled away all of her money and was mixing her meds with alcohol. That’s when I know she’ll be in better care at a facility. If she isn’t capable of making good choices on her own.
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I will confine myself to remarking that we live and learn.

First find your facility. Then eat some humble pie and ask your siblings to support you in getting her moved in.

Who else lives in your home?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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MalaysiaMuva Nov 28, 2020
Thank you, my school age kids who are currently homeschooling & my husband.
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I would start looking at places. It takes time to tour, whether in person or virtually.

I looked at several places that I considered for my mom. My mom moved in with a sibling after many years of living with me.

You know that you are not happy with your living arrangements. Don’t wait until your frustration levels reach their peak to start looking at facilities.

Make a list of questions that are important to you. These were some of my questions.

Will mom be able to navigate easily around the building? Mom used a walker. I was told, yes and that someone would help her until she felt comfortable in her surroundings.

What if she doesn’t like the menu for that day? I expressed that my mom was very thin and the doctor did not want her losing weight. I was told that she would have other options and snacks were provided too.

Does the staff encourage socializing with other residents? If she chose to stay in her room for meals or to be alone would that be a problem? I was told that socializing is encouraged but privacy was respected as well.

They offer hair salon services, exercise classes, arts and crafts, walking paths outdoors, etc.

I would pick up brochures or have them mailed to you. After researching, I would narrow it down to one or two. Pick a convenient location if you hate driving too far.

I would tell her that you wish to live alone again. Make it about you so she can’t say, “What did I do to upset you?”

Show her that you found suitable places for her to live.

Have a deadline date picked out. Hopefully suggestions of places will alleviate anxiety of not knowing what is available.

You brought up her mental illness. Is that under control? Is she consistent with taking her meds?

Would she need medication reminders? The facility could help in this area too. Independent living would not offer assistance if needed.

Best wishes to you and your mom.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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MalaysiaMuva Nov 28, 2020
Thank you so kindly. The info you provided is incredibly helpful.
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It may be a good idea for you to pick a few close by places to take mom for a holiday program and meal. What she sees may help convince her that this could be a fun experience.
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Reply to gladimhere
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That’s a tough situation. Has she had a mental evaluation to see what her cognitive status is? Sometimes, people seem to be capable of doing things, but the realty is that they really can’t do it due to cognitive decline. Is her mental illness treated? I’d try to get an idea of what level of care she needs or qualifies for, so you’re prepared to get things lined up. You might try to find a place that has a nice outdoor area for smoking. I don’t think any facilities in this country allow indoor smoking by residents.
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Like Alva pointed out it's not going to be easy to move her out as she sounds like she'd be resistant no matter what. If she won't even sweep the floor, then she's surely not going to participate in looking for a place to relocate. I think you should let her politely know that she must move by XX date. Then find her the place to go. If she has meager financial resources maybe contact social services for your county to see what options are for Section 8 housing or aid to pay for assisted living. I'm wondering if she should be assessed for AL..residents do need to be able to carry out SOME ADLs... and if she smokes, they may have rules about that as well. Ethically it's not your burden to do this for her but you need to weigh whether she'll just be a boat anchor or witch about all of it, so in my mind it would pay to do the footwork to avoid all that drama, plus you'll know for sure there's either a solution to get her out or there's not. She may be beyond AL, in which case if she is a candidate for LTC or MC then you can help her apply for Medicaid to cover the cost of a facility. I understand she is not a nice roommate but I'm sure the thought of being on her own is terrifying. Maybe show her pics of nice facilities so she's not imagining the worst (which is what she probably is doing when it's brought up). I wish you success in helping her move on.
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Reply to Geaton777
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New year sounds good to me. We are very close to that. Tell her that living together has not worked for you for many many reasons, and that she will have to find other accommodations. Meanwhile get together in your own mind what will be available to her given her assets, what places may accept new residents given Covid-19, and etc. Assure her that you will help her with finding a new place, but that there is no other option. Give her a time (3 months?) in which you will attempt to help her find someplace IF she is honestly willing to explore to availabilities (but NOT if she is just going to sit for say 3 months, and THEN start all at once).
You have allowed your mother to move into your home. I cannot know what understanding the two of you had BEFORE this move. It will be either more or less difficult for you dependent on what those understandings were before the move.
I sure am wishing you every luck in all this. It won't be easy given your mother has some illnesses that make things more difficult for her in terms of adapting.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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