Am I the only one on here that really truly wishes she would just go away and leave me alone?

Yeah, I do. The best was when I was spending 10-12 hours a day at the hospital to keep her company and be the patient advocate since she didn't understand the doctors and she told me I looked haggard. At least I lost the weight I needed to. A month later when in the hospital with pneumonia, she was more than happy to sign the DNR and didn't understand why it didn't work right away.

Not to mention what it has done to my husband who then, in turn, is always
tired, irritable and I had to take a back seat for over a year because of his mother because she lost her husband (her life line who waited on her hand and food). He couldn't work and I had to carry the load...... which makes me
even like her less. There comes a point when it is not in the best interest of anybody anymore.

1Naturelover, I'm sorry to hear that your dependent MIL has that much power over your husband and somewhat surprised that your marriage has survived a mother/son relationship like that. It's not right or healthy for widowed mom's to make their sons into emotional substitutes for their deceased spoiling husbands. On the other hand it was not right for the husband to spoil her. It is so difficult for some adults to relate to other adults as adults, plus some adult want to stay emotional children all of their lives.

You are not alone. And yes, sometimes I feel a lot of guilt because being with Mom always makes me irritable and angry at her and I can't wait to go home and I wish I didn't feel that way. However, feelings just are - you can change your behavior and hide your feelings, but they are what they are. And they are usually the result of reacting to an outside situation. Mom doesn't even try - and that is not the dementia - that is who she has been for 40 years. She is now in AL, so she is safer and someone checks on her which she didn't have in IL. She gets help with incontinence and her hearing aids and now medication but other than that, she refuses to cooperate with them at all (but we pay none the less), and she barely eats the meals. Nothing has changed for me from when she was in IL. I now have to make an 80 mile round trip every week instead of 30 miles. I am still shopping for food because she refuses to go to breakfast, barely eats, so I supply what she will eat - sweets & yogurt, ensure. I'm still washing and ironing her blouses & jackets & pants because she will wear the same thing every day and never put it in the laundry basket and would pull it out if I did. I repeat - she will NOT let them help her with anything! And I'm doing all the finances, making all appointments and taking her to most of them myself, etc. So, yeah, I'm resentful and I want my life back, so I am not constantly thinking about and anticipating her needs. I love her, or did, but after 20 years of total lack of cooperation and negativity I'm emotionally exhausted. The one positive is at least I don't have to live with her and listen to her complain all day or follow me around, or volunteer a negative comment for every bit of fun we might want to have, or complain if we left her alone, or complain she wants to go home if we take her, or worry about her going up the stairs or doing something dangerous she knows she shouldn't. That, alone, is worth the outrageous cost of the AL! If dementia destroys the last vestige of good, love and joy of life from me, I hope I just go to sleep and not wake up. I never want to interfere with my children's their way of life or stick them with an unwanted and difficult obligation in their own retirement years. I am in my 60's and we are beginning to plan for our own old age, so that doesn't happen.

Pretty spot on comment AmyGrace. I especially related to the "I love her, or did...". Twenty years you say you've had of this? I feel terrible complaining about just 5/6. I try to reach out to those who understand and listen and hope, like you do, that her dementia doesn't destroy "the last vestige of good love and joy of life from me". I am also in my early 60's and completely, utterly weary of it all. Plan as best you can for your future so this (your mother's situation) won't be yours. I am thinking the same thing.

Long story, but Mom hasn't been happy or content since my father passed 40 years ago. She re-married 10 years later but didn't love him (just needed a man to tell her what to do) she still never enjoyed anything, never wanted to have fun, refused to travel, wouldn't fly and she had chances for European trips - nope, no hobbies, no interests, even in books, just interested in what family is doing. That is her personality. I would kill myself out of boredom if I had nothing to interest me and didn't want to go anywhere, do anything or socialize with anyone, but that is her. She is super negative (on antidepressants for a while but half the time didn't take them), and emotionally dependent on sis because she made the mistake of encouraging them to live on the same street, and then enabled them both. When he died 15 years ago, the fun started. Anorexia, dehydration, panic attacks in the night, depression, crying, whining victim etc. Sis got it all. I just heard it on the phone and when I visited, always tears and negativity. Dementia was fairly mild then but as it got worse ten years ago, we moved her to IL where she was equally miserable and progressively less independent and in denial. A few months ago we moved her to AL. What does one do with a person with no interests who enjoys being negative and denies herself any form of pleasure? Then add dementia. It is certainly a formula for misery. Its pretty weird since people like that usually want to die out of boredom and self dislike, but she cares what other people think of her (not her children though) and thinks she should live forever and feel good even at 100. I pity her, really, because she is what she is - but wow, I can't stand to be around such negativity for very long. Its infectious and draining!

AmyGrace - just read your post and your mother and mine could be clones. We are starting the process of moving her from IL to AL, as you did. But, the one thing I absolutely will refuse to do from that point forward (once she is situated in AL) is to cater to her whims about whether/what she will eat, etc. She'll either get herself to the dining room for meals and/or the snack area or she's going to be very hungry. I'm not against putting some yogurt or pastries in the fridge that will be in her room but all of the rest of the responsibilities you are still shouldering (washing/ironing, etc.) will not be coming from me. I really wish for your sake that you could draw that line in the sand as you will never get your life back, as you say you need. We are about the same age and it's not fair to your or your family to have to continue to do all of what you still do. Yes, our parents have very strong holds over us but guilt is probably the overriding emotion driving you to continue to be so present. I do know that my mother is not yet in the AL but after reading your, and other posts, I'm definitely going to be prepared from the outset to keep those boundaries.....hugs for comfort and strength to disengage from the situation as you describe it.....

my husbands long time problematic older prescription drug addict sister in Los Angeles died last week. So, on top of everything else, he had to fly out there to get her cremated and flown back to Texas. She has been calling mommy and begging for money for 30 years and to hear her cry over her daughter and and say I should have sent her more money made me want to throw up. Gosh, it is all SO SICK. As tragic as it is, it is a HUGE relief to at least have her gone so we don't have to worry about her anymore. Mom went into a tail spin but at least she is not calling like she did. Her mom is starting to slip and I am grateful that she is not calling incessantly like she did.