Follow
Share

I am so serious that I want her out of my life.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
All my life. Not due to dementia, but to a personality disorder and narcissism. In fact I googled the phrase "leave me alone" some years ago, and that was what lead me to information about narcissism. Dementia has only added to it a responsibility that I did not have before.

The constant intrusions, demands, criticisms... wear you down, You deal with FOG - manipulation through fear, obligation and guilt - until you learn to set boundaries, and to detach and distance. Sounds like it is time for you to take care of you. You are at least as entitled to care for yourself as your parents are entitled to be cared for by you. Sounds like things are way out of balance. I take time for me. It is necessary for my wellbeing. You need to do the same.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I didn't read all the answers but just want to say one thing. I wish ads and people would stop saying to the elderly "you can live in your own home". This is Ok if they can still do for themselves or can afford the maintenance. The baby boomers have had more responsibility for parents than any other generation, I think. Our parents are living longer than they can do for themselves. We have a nice assisted living about 10 miles away. They have a dementia/alzheimers section. I have been there and it seems nice. I think the wise thing for all of us is to look to the future. We have and are investing what we have so there is money there if both or either of us needs extended care. I will be 80 when my oldest is 52 my youngest 44. Both work. I don't want them to worry about me. Our world has changed. The wife is no longer just taking care of the house, she is now working and probably has to to make ends meet. As humans, we were not made to handle it all. I've only been taking care of Mom for 4 months but I can't see doing this for 5 or more years. (she's 87). I should be enjoying my retirement because...one day (and not that long off) I may have my own health problems.

Believe me, I used to wonder how people could put a parent into a "nursing home". But there are so many options now. As long as you are able to "check up" and ask questions, I think there is no problem with Assisted living facilities. It's just getting our parents to understand that they can no longer "do it" for themselves.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

No you're not by along shot. I looked at some of your posts and mommie dearest sounds like a real treat. I would try to get her in a facility one way or the other. Do you have POA, guardianship? We simply cannot let elder care ruin what's left of our lives. And don't even guilt trip yourself about this. Take measures now. She may scream and hate you etc. but so what. Save yourself!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I said this out loud once and I was so chastised that I never said it again. I would say, no, that this is not an uncommon feeling for many caregivers. I struggle with it alot all the time. I realize that when my mother is finally gone and I am free, I will get the chance to feel all the love she deserved. I do 'love' her deep inside but it is hard to recognize it in the daily muck. I want---no, dream of the day I am free.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

My MIL is in assisted living and she STILL controls our lives! She has aways been spoiled, demanding and a "me" type person. she was her son with her ALL the time. With alzheimers, these types of people are so self -centered and cause such grief for everyone. We have had several care givers and spend a fortune to have someone with her 24/7 and it is not enough. I have always had an issue with her and her ways and with alzheimers, I have just gotten to where hate her and wish she would just go away already. We go through so much hell and our lives are wrecked with having to focus on them so much, it just gets old and we all get weary, irritable and tired. And I ask, WHY do we spend so much time taking them to the doctors for their heart condition and for this and that, when their brains are turning to mush and we they cant do a damn thing for that???? It is insane. I keep praying, as horrible as this sounds, that she will die in her sleep. It would be SUCH a relief to us to have to her gone already.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Boy you are definitely NOT alone. I have gotten to the point of full on resentment. My mother has started a new on slot of demanding behavior. When she had her major stroke in 2008, we stepped up and brought her to live with us in Oregon. After building her a cottage of her own on our acreage, so she felt independent but under a watchful eye, she decided she wanted to move back to Washington State to be "near her friends" (all dead but 2 who are in bad shape) She stayed for all of 4 weeks and made a horrible situation involving an attorney who actually saw what she was really all about. She has always been self absorbed, selfish, and a true narcissist. My husband and I saw how she really felt about us. She views us as servants to order about. Well after that "month from h*ll" I got a true picture of her feeling about me. Now I just do what I know needs to be done. I have a helper in 3X's a week to help with the housework and to give me a 4 hour break on those days. She tries to start things. I now tell her if it was any of her business I would tell her. I am at that point where if she went in her sleep it would be a relief. I feel guilty for thinking that but that's just the way it is. There is so much resentment built up for her not being grateful for us putting our lives on hold just to care for her that I am at the point that if she takes a fall she is going to go to ER and the next stop will be a facility. I think I am going into self preservation mode now so trust me you are not alone by any stretch of the imagination:-(
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

and to add, don't let their CRAZINESS make you crazy. It will if you let it. Protect your mental health, That truly should come first
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I have to laugh at 2Tired and daughter52's comments about "do you feel alright." I don't exactly get that, but my mom sees the worst in everything. A migraine is brain cancer. A sniffle is killer flu. If I have a bit of dark circles under my eyes I have a serious health problem. I'm not sure if she's feeling close to the grave or if she's trying to shove me into mine.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I go to bed every night praying that God would be merciful enough to take my mom in her sleep and give her and myself peace. She is in the hospital right now because of drug interaction that has caused another step down in her dementhia. I have her in a home after trying to care for her for three and half years. At one point we had four generations living under one roof. My mom is in a home but they have not been dealing with her agression in the evening. I will have to look for a skilled facility now. No you have just said outloud what most of us keep to ourselves so others don't feel ill of us.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Windyridge is right--and we just recently had a very long thread about this. The evidence is in: Most of us feel the same way all or part of the time. Someone recently wrote about how much nicer (and less expensive!!) it was to have mother in AL rather than at home (with paid care). She, the daughter herself, made friends with the staff and enjoyed her visits like one big family.

It is much nicer!!!!!!!!!!! My husband is in bad shape and takes 18 meds a day. He can't hear anything I say and we communicate like Neanderthals. If I had to have my mother here, with her 12 meds a day and her incessant chatter and questions (that's another thread, lol), life would not be worth living.

Time to take action! Get in touch with the people who can help you: area agency on aging, elder lawyer, social services, adult protective services; and find a "place" , a home for her. I will for the rest of my life be indebted to the "place" where I first put my mom. I would not have been able to do it without their knowledge, expertise, and support. So, make that first call. Check out some places, find out how it will work, and how to get her there. Talk to her doctor and get his/her support. As Windyridge said, save yourself. You can do this.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.