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After spending one long year 24/7 with my MIL (alzheimers) I am getting resentful because seriously, I never expected it to be this long.
She has definitely settled into limbo and I no longer see decline. I really thought she'd surely be gone by now. Her bed is parked right smack in the middle of my small house and I have no privacy..

I find it much easier to handle difficult things when I can see an end. But in this case the end..................well it could very well be my end before hers. Trapped.

In 2010, I lost my fantastic husband to cancer, lost my sweet brother to cancer, lost my dear dad to stroke. A huge loss.
I am finally climbing out of my grief and would like to enjoy life a bit before it's too late. . It would be nice to just get in the car and go someplace.
To be brutally honest...................... I very much hoped it wouldn't be this long and I wish she would die already. Sorry, I'm just venting - I give her the very best care ever.

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Sorry Hannah i meant your grandma.
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Hannah that is worrying you need to talk to your doc asap i am unhappy but NEVER have i thought of this?
Please get help nothing in life is EVER that bad listen your mum is going to die soon you said shes getting worse? just get some help in take a break then come back with a more positive outlook how your feeling is very worrying.
We are all here for you life is never so bad that there isnt a solution there always is hey my mum owns her own house if this gets tough i have a solution if you cant look after her anymore then there is a solution but NEVER these silly dark thoughts. We are all just tired and want our lives back thats only human we are all doing whats right here caring for our parents its life its happens to everyone we just have to deal with it as best we can OR get them professional help we all feel guilt we are human? but there is only so much caring we can do without needing help from outside and thats fine we do what we can here we want out parents safe thats it we want them around a bit longer but not at our own expense there is nothing wrong if we know we cant cope its not possible 24/7.

My mum isnt so bad yet that i need to be here all day but there will be a day when i have to make a choice HER or ME? sorry but it will be for both oursakes and it will be a home. of course that makes me feel like crap but who wouldnt i didnt plan this to happen but it has and we deal with it like every life crisis.

Please talk to someone about how you are feeling this is a bad way to be!

We are all going through this you are not alone here!
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Hannah, I just read your comment. Your life is a precious thing. You just have to get it back. It doesn't matter what other people think of you, and you don't have to carry guilt. I do see that you need to talk to someone to help you lift yourself from this low point in your life. The only good thing I can say about hitting the low points is it feels so sweet when we come out of them. I hope you will get some help so that you can feel the sweetness of getting better. I wish they would bottle that feeling and sell it OTC. I'm afraid it would be mighty addictive, though.
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I'm going to take a different approach here, and you can be angry with me if you like, but I'm going to be frank.

You're obviously overwhelmed and burned out, and unless that changes you're going to get worse and your care and attitude are also going to deteriorate. Then you'll really be in mental quicksand. And you won't be any use to either yourself or your MIL.

I haven't taken time to read any other posts, so I may be making assumptions and if I am I apologize.

You don't indicate if you have any respite care, but if you don't talk to your MIL's physician about getting some. Ask people at her church if she has one, ask family, ask neighbors and friends that she knows. Try to get her to senior center activities. Use medical transport if she's not mobile.

You're the only one who can create more time for yourself by reaching out to what's available. If you reach the point that you can't handle it, and actually I think you're already there, initiate a Medicaid application and begin looking at facility placements.

There's no shame in recognizing or admitting that you've reached a breaking point. The shame would be to fail to act on it and end up with more animosity and resentment than you already have.

Good luck, and remember that this is no longer a job you can or want to have.
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Maria, I've been taking care of my parents for 5 uneasy years now. Dad died, and now it is just my mother. She is not an easy person and we were not the Waltons. Something that is helping me is making myself see things differently. My mother wasn't a very good one, but she did one good thing when it came to me -- she had me. So when she gets on my last nerve and I think I want to pull my hair out, I say a little prayer. "Thank you for my mother." This takes me back to the good things about her and has really worked for me.

Sometimes I read things on here about how mothers gave birth and raised us and so on. I am not saying that at all. We're too old to be talked to like we're children! Many of us already fit into the elder category ourselves. The prayer thanking God for my mother just helps me remember that good thing that she did and forget about all the bad stuff. That helps me. (Does this make sense? Probably not, but it works for me.)
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I understand how you're feeling. It's been 6 years for me and I can't seem to find a way out of this, my grandma is getting worse and worse, there's no one else to take care of her but me and my mom, maybe I'm too selfish but I can't stand the thought of her death, the only solution for me seems to be ending my own life, this is all I've been thinking about lately, I wouldn't have to deal with the guilt, the worry, everything would be so much easier.
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Yeh seems even when they are in a NH the stress continues? Its a cruel illness i have no other words for it! It tore my family apart we hardly speak anymore as i dont want to speak to them as im drowning in mums negativity and they are out there having a life? when they call and ask hows mum im all ready to tell them the latetest crap but no they find a way to change the subject so now i dont answer the phone! If mum knew the crap that was going on around her it would break her heart? yeh lucky we keep it from her!!
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CM come on...............holey slippers NEVER ill send you a pair of new ones every year THIS i will not have! Im laughing here whats with the candle? i see you now with a huge white gown also maybe a few holes in that too!! See MM we have to laugh about it or we will go crazy we are all here for you there a great bunch on here soooooo funny they all cheer me up!
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Maria; I so feel for you. I'm not even taking care of my mom (she's in a NH), but jumping every time the phone rings, always having a three day bag ready, always trying to keep up with her neverending list of symptoms. Vent away dear; this is where we let out our deep dark thoughts where they won't hurt anyone. I highly recommend Roz Chast's new book "Can't we talk about something more pleasant?" It's a graphic novel (read comic book in hardcover) but really tells the truth about the caregiving journey.
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Maria I completely feel the limbo bit. It's a complete fog up ahead. 1 year or 10 years? Slow decline or fall off a cliff? Will this house ever sell or will I end up shuffling around it in my holey slippers burning a single candle to keep warm??? Exactly as you say, it would all be so much easier to stomach if there were a timetable! Just have to limp on as best we can, I suppose - there's nothing else for it. Hugs.
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Oh we have to be honest this aint no picnic and i aint going to say it is! I tell it like it is for me! but you know give yourself a break youve had alot of loss in your life lately what you need is time for you to greive them all then find peace and you will be rewarded!
I will ask my angels to have a word with your angels!! trust me theyve saved me and im not overly religious but since ive asked for help i can finally see an ending here and a bright new beginning ahead like you i want a time and date? but trust your gut on this things happen when they are meant to its taken me along time to figure it out but it helps i was meant to be here for now and im here God has a bigger plan for me so i cant wait to see whats ahead!!
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Kazzaa- thanks so much for your honesty!!!! It's great to just hear that someone out there understands! Your comment brought sunshine to my dreary day :)
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Gosh youve had it tough and yes you deserve a bit of peace now! mum has been sick since i was 4yrs old???? i love her to bits but im starting to grieve for my own life? Shes not even that bad yet? just dependant on me and i cant cope alone here theres days i feel like screaming at her to just leave me alone but ive learned to calm down from that!
Mums only 77 has diabetes and now dementia her whole life has been unhappy and miserable shes not and has never been an easy woman to be around add this horrible illness and im living with constant negativity and moans she is NEVER happy i am superwoman i think? because i havnt cracked yet?

Sometimes on here people say "cherish these moments left with her" ?? what moments?? shes unhappy and nasty most of the time theres nothing to cherish?

Listen we all feel this way and yes i feel trapped but ive had to be positive ive had five years of this then dad died before xmas im divorced and had a crappy childhood so yes when does the misery end??

I dont want my mum to die BUT i dont want this to go further and get worse its awful!

I will have peace soon and i have to hang onto that or else whats the point! You and i will be happy again soon just hang in there and hope!!

Hugs things will get better! Mum is progressing fast and slowly going into a world of her own i feel like im alone here and just feed and care for her its so sad but like you i feel TRAPPED and suffacating!
Trust me we ALL feel like this its only human we want to live our own lives too!!
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