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My husband started talking like he had a affair years ago with a co worker. I told him when I see her I'm asking her if they did. He does't want me to speak to her. we have seen her several times where she now works but he just says hi.

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Dementia is a frustrating and heartbreaking disease. When my FIL came to live with us, I learned he actually believed he and I had had an affair... and he thought we should continue it. Talk about shock. It never happened! But he believed it had. Really, truly believed it. When I called him on it, he would just smirk and say, “If that’s the way you want to remember it. I remember...” The one thing he absolutely did not want me to do was tell his son about these conversations. Maybe he feared if that happened he would lose his happy home.

Of course I told my husband everything. It was a very stressful time for our family, as I’m sure it is for you. Your husband isn’t trying to hurt you. His brain is broken. He’s compelled to share this delusion by something he can’t fix or change. If you can, just ignore this delusion. You will never discern whether it is true or not, but chances are it’s not.
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I understand that PD and dementia sometimes go hand in hand. My FIL had PD and also dementia. Remembering back how my mom spoke when she was suffering from dementia, I would say take everything he says with a grain of salt. My mom told wild stories when I’d visit her. She absolutely believed what she was saying, and although there might have been a grain of truth in what she said, she also told me she was a Broadway stage actress, her room was her “apartment” in Chicago and I had been her co-star.

In your husband’s delusional mind, he probably believes that he did have an affair with her. And he still knows it’s not a good idea for his wife to confront the “other woman”. Don’t embarrass yourself by confronting this woman. If you see her often, it would make those occasions very uncomfortable for you, especially as Hubby’s disease progresses. And, not to play Devil’s Advocate, but what if this affair did happen? How would it benefit you to know now, all these years later? My husband found someone he liked better than me 30 years ago and I found out about it at the time. I’m not so stupid that I believe it was only one time. But I’m not going to the extra-marital affairs subdivision of Ancestry.com and look for proof of other women. I still am his sole caregiver who does everything for his bedridden self but feed him and knowing dates and names of possible “other women” from all those years ago isn’t going to change that or make me feel any better. Be a lady. Keep your own counsel. If you don’t wish to see this woman, avoid her. If that’s not possible, be cordial and brief.
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