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Hello,


I figure I'll be told an elder attorney is my best bet...however.


Say my husband and I look into buying a bigger home with an extra first floor living situation so we can move my mom in, and we have her contribute some "rent".


Would this interfere with the Medicaid "look back" stuff? I am not considering going in with her to purchase a home (too confusing). She does have a lump amount of money from the sale of her home just sitting in an account that I know one day she'll have to spend down to ever qualify for Medicaid should that time come.


But just rent/help with groceries, just extra cost of having another person live with us. She is insisting that this is what she does if she did move in with us. I just didn't know if Medicaid was all: WOAH! She paid you too much a month...or something like this.


Currently, she just moved into an assisted living facility. This was due to the fact she was skipping/doubling up on taking her BP meds as well as a 4am call that she had caught her robe on fire making bacon at 3 am. She is dealing with some mix-ups on what time of day it is and pretty good dementia. She lived by herself, so I felt it was no longer safe for her to be alone, and our two story home is a little cramped already and her knees make climbing stairs quite prohibitive.


She is saying she is very depressed at this facility and it is "an old person's home". On one hand she is the youngest looking one there, but on the other hand...well, as I stated...burning robes and missed/doubled up medicine (falls occasionally as well). Anyhoo I feel bad for her to have to sit at a table with some people who have food falling out her mouth, and I don't want her to be depressed. But...I can't move her in our house presently. So...I'm pondering us buying a house with a first floor bedroom and letting her contribute. We could certainly use a little help towards groceries, utilities and even some of the mortgage payment.


Ok sorry, long message. Thoughts?


Thank you!

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As long as it's formalized, I don't see how it's a problem. Not everything a parent gives to a child is a gift in a combined living situation. Even if they are living with you, their share of their expenses are their expenses. They are not gifts.

As always, I have no idea what I'm talking about. This is just a post brunch ramble.
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Reply to needtowashhair
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No you shouldn’t take her in. You can’t provide the care that she needs—you work, have a child and are going to school. Are you willing to scarfice finishing school? Are you willing to miss out on things with your child? Are you willing to harm your marriage? Because that is what will happen. Your mom is going to continue to decline and she is going to require more and more of your time. I agree, if anything you should look into another AL. But do not take her in.
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Reply to worriedinCali
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I would look for an assisted living facility with higher functioning residents.

She will be a hand full with no boundaries and wanting you to drop everything to accommodate her, this will escalate.

Quite frankly I feel like your teenager needs to be your focus and that won't happen with your mom around.
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ebmick1973 Mar 3, 2019
Thank you for this. I hadn't thought of an AL with higher-functioning residents. Hmmm. I didn't know this was a possibility. I looked at two in reality. But perhaps I should look around again.
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Like techie said, get it in writing. What she is to pay toward rent. Don't let her just give you money, that could be seen as a gift.

You do realize that as Moms Dementia progresses, you may not be able to care for her. Are you going to be there 24/7to make sure she takes her meds or sets her robe on fire again. She is at the stage she cannot be alone. And as techie said, can you afford a bigger house if she isn't paying rent.

You don't say how old Mom is or you. Are you close to having your house paid off? Close to retirement?
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Reply to JoAnn29
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ebmick1973 Mar 3, 2019
Mom is 80. Dad killed himself almost exactly a year ago. She may have had dementia before, he may have helped hide it a little better, however since what he did she has definitely gone downhill. (Understandably so). She also is in stage 4 kidney disease. My parents had us older, so I am 45 years old, married and have a 13 year old daughter. I'm also in school to become an NP and will be done Spring of next year. I picked the assisted living place to give us all peace of mind that she'd get her meds, and get healthy meals, and would be safe.
She has said all along, that I know all she ever really wanted was to just live with me and my husband. I worried that would tax our family in that mom has zero boundaries. She has no problem popping in our bedroom to ask us a question around 10 pm. And during our morning routine (which getting a kid off to school and two of us off to work), she again doesn't seem to understand the crazy of the morning (she'll ask me to stop everything to find: the swiffer, how to open a package, etc etc).
Anyhooo...
So NO. Not close to retirement. House down to a good amt, but not paid off. We are just in the middle of careers and raising our kiddo.
Just when I get a call from mom saying "I'm depressed", "I"m in an old person's home"...I get sad and guilty. She took care of me well growing up. Should I take her in? Its just so hard.
Her own mom went into a an assisted living facility around this age. She was one unhappy lady in her later years. Looks like mom will be the same.
There is NO easy answer....I just thought maybe she'd be happier here and I'd be doing the right thing by her.
I'm just conflicted. Been a hard year. I adored my sweet dad. It's coming up on a year and my emotions are all over the place.
Thank you SO much for your input :-)
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Although your mother can pay a reasonable amount of money for bed and board in your home and/or other care giving with a written agreement that would not disallow Medicaid when the time came, I suggest you do not do this if you "...could certainly use a little help towards groceries, utilities and even some of the mortgage payment." It's OK for Mom to contribute toward her living expenses while residing in your home but if you _need_ Mom's contribution to make the mortgage then you have a conflict of interest that may impede your thinking later when/if Mom really needs to move out for more/different care.
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