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Mom is 93. She is relatively healthy with no major health problems. She lives in her own home with no outside help. I have tried many times to enlist home care but she fires them or refuses to let them in. I live an hour away and call her everyday. I visit once a week for 5-6 hours. (Total of 8 hours when you account for travel time) I work full time and sometimes don’t get home from these visits until 9 or 10 o’clock at night. I’m 60 years old myself and it’s getting more difficult to do it all myself. Mom refuses any help. She could use some help with bathing, laundry and meal prep. Which I do when I come. She eats mostly frozen dinners. But the worst part of it all is that she is CONSTANTLY manipulating me about moving into my home. I have very clearly told her that that is not an option and that if she wants to move closer to me I would be happy to show her some places. I have said this repeatedly. Which was very difficult at first but has gotten slightly easier. Still hard on me. I think she thinks that by refusing other help she will eventually get in a situation where I have no choice. She keeps testing the fences with guilt trips and manipulation. I’m soooooooooooooooooo tired. It’s been 9 years of this. I really do feel guilty about not taking her in but to be honest, I don’t want to. And that’s part of the guilt. I just had a grandchild. My only one so far and I would like to enjoy this time. I sacrificed for my children my whole life and now that they are on their own I would like to enjoy some time for myself. My husband is completely opposed to bringing her in but says he will “live with it” if she comes. I know she will tear us apart and wear me down to nothing. Problem now is that she wants to “visit” us for extended times. Or she says she is lonely and “can I come and stay for a while?” How can you say no to that? And every time she has a health issue, minor surgery, sickness etc she comes and stays with me and then acts like a beaten puppy when I take her home. The last thing she hinted at was that she would save up her pills and kill herself because “I didn’t want her”. How do I deal with all this. I’m at the end of my rope with her.

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Be a broken record and stand your ground. Although you did not say so directly, I suspect there are some serious reasons for you to not want her to move in and tear your family apart. Clearly she is very manipulative, especially with the threat of saving her medicines and killing herself.

Seek out a GOOD therapist who can help you and support you in your decisions! No one, not even a parent, has the right to make these demands and threats. A therapist will help you reach a good place where you can accept whatever she chooses to do.

Your main focus needs to remain keeping your family intact and not living under a constant cloud of guilt. That constant cloud of guilt can be very emotionally damaging to you and your family.

If you need to walk away completely in order to maintain your own health, then do so! You have offered some good options, and she has refused them - that is her decision, and she needs to learn to live with those decisions.
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Your words " she will tear us apart and wear me down to nothing" are prophetic. You deserve to have a good life on your own. You are already doing good things for your mom. Allowing her to visit you means her stay could end up lasting longer and longer until you realize she has been with you several months. I know the beaten puppy look when you enforce your boundaries, but keep to them for your own sanity. She has refused outside help and threatens to kill herself because of your actions? That is not the stuff a good living arrangement starts with. Her demands and guilt trips are unlikely to improve if she is living with you. Stick to your guns, keep the routine you currently have. If she gets to the point she needs more, move her closer but not in.
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NYDaughterInLaw May 2019
"She has refused outside help and threatens to kill herself because of your actions? That is not the stuff a good living arrangement starts with." So right!!!
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How many years has she been manipulating? Yep, yesterday, the millions of days before that. Unlikely to stop tomorrow. Not sure if you're dealing with a dementia situation, because the way I see it, that makes it a little different because they don't get what they are doing. But, if not, and she is aware, then boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Easy to say and difficult to do sometimes. But, necessary. Take care of yourself, as you're no good to anyone else if you don't.
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keepingup May 2019
Two excellent points. The manipulation will never stop. And you have no choice but to set boundaries. Thank you, lynnm12.
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First of all, one last time.....sit her down and tell her about your age, your job, your needs and limitations, etc. Make sure she listens and gets it into her head - whether she likes it or not. Point out HER lack of cooperation, etc. and that you will not, under any circumstances, have her visit or live with you - IT IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU PHYSICALLY WITH THE TYPE OF LIFE YOU LEAD. Tell her she has TWO CHOICES: She accepts outside help if she wants to remain where she is or you will place her into assisted living. She will get mad but be prepared to stop the outburst at once - tell her to stop and if she doesn't get up and leave at once. Do not keep doing all that you do, slowly start backing off with fewer hours and visits. She wants to control you and it will destroy you. Do not let that happen. YOU are the boss of YOUR LIFE. Let her know that in no uncertain terms.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2019
I second exactly what Riley2166 says!!!!
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corinna: The OPs mom threatened to kill herself and that's why I said APS (Adult Protective Services) needs to be called! Good grief - that situation is WAAAAAAAY out of control. Let the experts step in.

Thank you my2cents.
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Jannner Jun 2019
A narcissist says that to make you feel guilty and control you, not because they are actually suicidal . My mother has been holding that over my head for 50 years, since I was 15. I think the first time was because I didn’t want to be in a school club she wanted me to join. If it works, they’ll use it, no matter how off the wall it seems to sane people.
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DO NOT move in with your mom or permit your manipulative mom to move in with you.  That is yet more stress and strife -- an emotional disaster -- waiting to happen for all concerned.

You need to take better care of YOU. 

Do consider giving your mother a different option. 

If your mom owns her own home outright -- no mortgage or rent -- that may well be something she is unwilling to give up; however, if she had a potentially better alternative, she might be more willing to consider selling her home and moving nearer to you without moving in with you.

One option to consider is to begin looking for an assisted living situation for your mom, perhaps in the same town in which you live or at least closer -- somewhere where she would have a private room but where others would do the cooking and cleaning and laundry for her and even dispense her meds.  She wouldn't be as lonely because she'd be required to interact with others her own age and in her same situation if only as she goes to meals. 

Assisted living facilities usually offer transportation to and from medical appointments and often provide for weekly shopping trips.  Hopefully, your mom could get involved in some activity the assisted living home offers -- exercise classes, arts/crafts classes, bingo, field trips, etc. 

The two of you could share a meal once weekly -- at your home or in a restaurant --  but she'd have her own life and you and your husband could better enjoy yours -- and with you having less travel time and her making new friends, you might find visiting her less stressful and actually want to make more trips to see her.

Check for state agencies that serve the needs of the elderly.  You might also check with the social services office at a nearby county hospital or your local Department of Family and Children's Services as to where to begin your search.
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One thing can help and that is to have a caregiver start arriving there with you a couple of times. She will connect with her if the caregiver is a sweet person. Your Mom will see her helping you and listening to Mom’s problems, etc, and talking to her. That is an old “trick” but it works most times. Your Mom needs to be bathed more than once per week and other things too. Parents say they never want to move in or be a burden but most of the time, to avoid a nursing home and a regimented schedule, they will start pulling on you and manipulating you. A large percentage become selfish and no longer care if it is tearing up the life of the adult child. I forced caregivers onto my parents. Dad was trying to do everything for my mother and she became bedridden and he would call and say she had fallen out of the bed. So out the door I went over and over. It got so out of hand that I met a private caregiver at their house that would bathe Mom and make her meals and did not give them the choice. Daddy sure got use to that fast. He was wearing down. Mom ended up in nursing home a year later. Too many problems at home. It is sad but we do the best we can. Don’t start the live in business though if she is not a pleasant person. It won’t work.
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Once a manipulator always a manipulator. We moved my mom in the house with us thinking the plan was for her to go to senior day care, Found an excellent program and she refused to go.
Everyday is a guilt trip about how bad her life is.
Finding her a place near you would be a good option. Don’t give up your time with kids and grandkids.
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Lostinva May 2019
I tried the senior day care. She didn’t like one & the other they told her she couldn’t come back because she wasn’t independent. She sometimes needs help getting up & they said they can’t provide the assistance, they need to be independent. So, that ended that. Calling Monday to see if they have somewhere for her, she needs to get out while awaiting placement in long term care. Complains consistently! Now if I took her shopping & out to lunch every day, she’d be happy. The other day I did that & hauled the w/c in & out 6 times! It kills me!!! I think they’d rather complain than be part of a solution.
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Momsgoto;

No, you are not alone. MANY people are in the same or similar situations. It is comforting knowing it isn't YOU who is the problem!!!

I agree with most of the responses saying no way to moving in.

I also agree with cutting back on contact/visits AND having mom come to stay/visit. That last option is one that can backfire easily. She can use it for more blackmail (see, I stayed here and was no problem!) or perhaps come up with a faux illness, requiring a longer stay! If she's ill or recuperating from a medical condition, perhaps live at HER place, but it would be best to avoid both situations. Since you are working, either someone comes in or she needs to be in a place that can care for her while she recuperates. THOSE are her choices.

Our mom was early 90s living in her own condo when dementia crept in. Initially it was okay, but over a short time I had to take over finances (making mistakes), then take the car (OH, that was a biggie!) I would visit/take her shopping, etc (1.5 hour away), sometimes on my way home from work (slight detour), but was laid off so it became more difficult to do! I also tried making meals for her, as I realized that despite buying food to prepare meals, she was relying on frozen dinners too (couldn't remember she had food or how to prepare it.)

The original plan was to bring in help. She didn't need help with day-to-day ADLs, but I wanted some oversight and to get her used to having people come in. It was 1 hr/day, as a sanity check and to ensure she took her meds from the timed dispenser. We let her think Medicare paid for this (they do cover some care, but it has to include personal care and she refused that.) After a few months she refused to let them in.

Time to look for a safe place - no way for me to take her in, for many reasons, including that I would not be able to put up with her 24/7! Brothers learned how much it costs and said Hey, I could do this for that kind of money! No they could not. BAD idea, but thankfully it never went any further than that.

My recommendation, stated above - reduce the calls/contact. Calls every day may be okay, but not if it is a long protracted conversation, and not if she starts the guilt trips! Cut the duration, frequency and certainly cut her off if she starts what you don't want to deal with. Many excuses can be used - Oops, pot's boiling over, gotta run! Oh no, my battery is almost dead, will call you later! Get creative!

While I realize it's a long commute to her place, can you break up the visits to maybe less time but twice/week? Or just cut the length of the one visit down? Does she really need 5-6 hours of help/care? Working full-time gets in the way of trying multiple visits, but if it's anywhere near your current commute, shorter, more frequent visits, if necessary, might be better... I would sometimes stop by during my commute, when I was still working. I also did not call every day. We had neighbors in the condo area who would be in touch if they felt the need was there.

Is it possible to arrange the outside help to come when you are there? If it's a weekend, it will cost more, but if you are there, she will find it hard to refuse to let them in or throw them out, especially if you say you've hired them to help YOU! Let them do laundry and some meal prep. Shouldn't take 5+ hrs to do, so leave when they leave. Take a load off your visits! Consider meals on wheels.

As for cajoling you to move in - simplest answer is No. If you to, say 'I've said no and no means NO!' If she continues to harangue you, just sit/stand and look at her - no response. If need be, leave (if on the phone, find excuse to hang up and DO IT!)

I'm wouldn't offer the "move closer", unless it's AL. But, what's to stop her from walking to your place? Moving closer can mean less stress on you because less time, however it means she CAN demand more of your time!

Final suggestion - NO GUILT! You're doing what you feel is best and NO ONE needs to be brow beaten!
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Wow OP thats crazy....

I've had it with my Dad in the past. Talk of "ending it all", "no-one will miss me" etc. As I've said before, hes had a good few fake hospital admissions too.

Worse mistake I ever made was a few years ago. He'd been ill (but not that bad) over xmas. He'd come to our house (i.e. I drove 30 mins to pick him up, bring him back, take him home afterwards) for xmas day (was well enough to eat his dinner!)

I took him home later and he laid it on - "wasn't going to make it till the GP opened after the holidays", "was going to call an ambulance", "couldn't breathe and had chest pains". I spent hours with him - all the while my kids were sat at home wondering where their Dad was to play with them on xmas day (I saw my 4 year old for about 30 mins that day).

Of course, he was fine. Wife wasn't happy. Kids hadn't seen me all day. Regret ever letting him do that to me.
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Get her a counselor and take her to the visit(s). Let the counselor know what she threatened with the pills.
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She won’t change. Don’t let her move in. You are not responsible for her actions.
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Don't give in to the manipulation. If you do, it will get worse. She's been given the choices and it's NOT LIVING WITH YOU! Call APS and tell them she's treatened to swallow a bunch of pills!!!!
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corinna May 2019
What is APS?
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I am so glad I did not have children. If this is what my kid’s answers are, than my heart would be broken in a thousand pieces.
Hopefully these are just cases of the apple did not fall far from the tree.
And yes my parents were far from perfect but I still took care of them.
They did not have to give me guilt trips to try to get my attention.
Omg, I will have to get off this site because it is more toxic than helpful.
God help us, if we don’t even have compassion for our own parents, never mind the world we are living
in today. Family up!
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lealonnie1 May 2019
In case you haven't been here long enough to realize, 99% of us ARE taking care of our parents......and coming here to vent and hopefully find support instead of turning to a bottle of pills or booze or a gun to cope with the harsh reality. We really need a Not Helpful button for those people who feel the need to heap even MORE guilt and negativity upon us than we are already enduring. Speaking of toxic, your comment wins the internet today, congratulations.
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No. She won’t. In fact it will get worse if you let her live with you because you will enforce that it works and she’ll apply pressure to get more of what she wants.

I’m finding our parents, who were at one time hopefully good parents, become like children as they get older and we, the caretakers have to apply wisdom when necessary. Just as our parents didn’t let us eat too many sweets for spoiling our dinners and ruining our teeth, we also need to use wisdom and not cave when they are requesting things that will also cause dire consequences.

Too much sugar equals rotten teeth and a dentist visit with a co-pay and out of pocket fees. Manipulative parent in the home? Far more is to be lost like tense home life, strained marriage, loss of boundaries, stress and emotional pain that’s leads to mental pain and physical repercussions.

KEEP HER OUT YOUR HOUSE.
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My mom did the same, I drove 1400 miles round trip 2-3 times a year to visit & I left early in tears because she got so nasty. Then I did the stupid thing & gave in & moved her I. My husband & I argue like we never did before, over Moms attitude. My mom remains manipulative, nasty & selfish. It’s got to be about her. I’m looking for LTC, my marriage & life are important, not the constant!! My husband too said he’d deal with it but he hasn’t. Please do what’s best for you, I wish I would have! Hugs!
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disgustedtoo May 2019
Yeah, it's easy to think it won't be bad and it can work, but in reality unless a parent is one of those likable, easy going people, more often than not this is a mistake, one that can be difficult to remedy once implemented.

My parents and mom's sisters families took in my grandmother, but she was so easy to care for - no trouble whatsoever and they took turns, maybe several months at a time. The parents and siblings were also much younger, maybe 50s? Many of us are older than that, some into their own retirement with limited finances, etc.
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Do you have a back yard? Why not let mom move into an elder cottage on your property? This has become a significant option in recent years! www.ElderCottages.com
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disgustedtoo May 2019
Maybe an idea, however... I suspect mom would be in the house all the time, not her "cottage." Plus, who gets to pay for this? There is the cost of the cottage, getting approval from the town and increase in taxes....
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When she has been with you due to big health problems, (I am just guessing) you probably took time off work and spent much of each day tending to her every want and need. If she comes for, let's say a week, and is home all day by herself without being pampered perhaps she would see it's not the same one on one and that you leave the house all day, everyday.
Do either of you know anyone who is living in an assisted living facility? If so, take her with you to visit the person and allow the person to show you all around and see the activities.
Perhaps she's just lonesome and looking for company more so than she did in the past. My mom always talked about how long each day was when you are just biding time all day in the house. Especially when she used to drive here, there, and yonder to stay busy all day.
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Please don’t let her move in! She will not appreciate you for it. Your instincts are spot on - please listen to them. If she is managing, let her continue to live where she is. If she has to move, pick out a nice senior housing complex where she can make friends and you can visit closer to your home. Don’t give in and just walk away if she wants you to decide for her. She has to make the decision - and you need to live your life. Stand strong - with NO GUILT!
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Lostinva May 2019
Amen!
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My heart breaks for the daughters who are loyal to a mother who never had clue one how to be a mother. I am in that boat also. I have had to just stop even asking her to visit an assisted living place to save an attack on me. My daughter is fostering babies now, and they come first. Mother is also healthy- although she wears out the dr with her complaints. My brother did take her to am ER once and she was fine ,the dr looked at her and said "Do you WANT something to be wrong with you?"She has alienated all her friends. I am her only contact. I send her letters everyday and even cut calls down to every other week.
Bottom line- if your mother is healthy- then live for your life. Maybe being more alone and vulnerable, she will finally one day agree to go to an assisted living, or a trip to the dr will recommend it.
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disgustedtoo May 2019
"...the dr looked at her and said "Do you WANT something to be wrong with you?"" AHAHHAHAHHAH - I *LIKE* that doctor!!!!
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Marcelle and others with the same view, I hear you. My mother was a malignant narcissist, She passed last December aged 106. I have been stressed for 81 years. For the past 20 years I have been exhausted and still am. If you haven't lived it you have no idea what life with a malignant narcissist is like. They are mentally ill.

Do not bring her into your home. Start making other arrangements for the times when she needs extra help after a health issues. Hire someone to care for her in her own home. I swore I would take a second job to help financially if needed rather than take my mother into my home. She would have ruined all our lives.

If she threatens suicide call 911. Those threats are what got mother into a geriatric psychiatric hospital where she needed to be for assessment, treatment and proper placement.

Good luck. Look after yourself and your family. Your needs are important too. Your mum's care does not have to come solely from you.
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Davina May 2019
OMG--106!!!
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If it were me, I would pick up brochures of the Assisted living places, close to you and leave them with her. Tell her that it is home health care or assisted living and don't visit for 2 or 3 weeks. Tell her that your coming is not an option any more.
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do not let the suicide threats intimidate. furthermore, this could also be used to have her sent for observation. in the unlikely event she does try (if she does, it will be a half assed attempt, guaranteed to fail), let the authorities handle it. As for you husband saying more or less ok, it still is not. This woman will destroy your marriage. Also, do NOT encourage her to move any closer. And do not aid her in any way if she does try to move. I think you are going to have to set verbal boundaries. You can talk with her but tell her if she starts with the 'take care of me whining' you will be hanging up. and then, DO IT!! (and if some commenters here think she is being harsh on mommy, she most definitely is NOT). People who have had the blessing of normal family (or are in a fog if they have narc parents) have no clue as to life with one of these nightmare narcissists. This mother is a VAMPIRE. Plain and simple.
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I haven’t read replies. Just offering support. Don’t let her move in. You already know it won’t work. I hope you enjoy every minute of your grandchild. Many hugs to you.
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There are several good souls on this thread who think the OP's position on her mother seems hard-hearted. As the daughter of a malignant narcissist and the DIL of a regular narcissist, permit me to share some differences:

My mom sucks the life out of everyone who comes near her. My MIL gives as generously as she takes.

My mom goes to the ER at least twice a month for no reason except she wants attention. My MIL only goes to the doctor/hospital when it is medically necessary, though she will regale anyone who will listen with the drama of it for years.

My mom threatens to drop dead whenever I don't do things to suit her. My MIL may not like the way we do everything, but she doesn't threaten to die.

My mom talks at me, not with me, and if anyone disagrees with her worldview they are scum. My MIL talks at me, too, but she is also a decent listener when we really need her to be.

When I call out my mom on her passive-aggression, she gets angry, gives me the silent treatment, and slams things around like a child. When my husband and I call out my MIL on her passive-aggression, she laughs.

My MIL would die for her family. My mom would kill everyone on the planet to stay alive herself.

These are some reasons why a regular narcissist can be a pain in the took but still tolerable, while a malignant narcissist is evil and a danger to all.

And, yes, malignant narcissists live forever. My mom is 92, healthy as a horse and totally independent, while I've been exhausted for 56 years.
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lealonnie1 May 2019
Beautifully put, the difference between a regular Narc and a Malignant Narc, love it. I call my mother an Energy Vampire. I was given The Silent Treatment continuously as a child, and even now as The Useless Daughter Who's Against Her Own Mother. And, unfortunately, you are right: these types of women live FOR-FREAKIN'-EVER! Mine is 92 with no real diseases, never any cancer, no true health problems, yet constantly SO SO SO SICK with non-life-threatening ailments that force trips the ER, the ENT, the ALF doctor, and everyone else on earth who will listen to the chronic complaining. Sigh. The people who think all mothers are sweet little old ladies who deserve undying love & compassion just Do. Not. Get. It.
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No.
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I'm not going to read all the responses here so I may be redundant. Let yourself off the hook, doing what is best for you is doing what is best for her and your relationship. Taking her in when you know you shouldn't will lead to disaster and that you could feel guilty about. Having the strength to not make that mistake is hard and full of love.

I applaud you allowing mom to make her own decision's here and if you feel she is cognitively capable of that then she is also fully responsible for the consequences. You have offered to move her closer which would not only make things easier for you it would enable you to be around more but she has made the decision not to, her choice not yours. You have offered and arranged for help with the things that would make life easier for her, give her some company and human interaction on a day to day basis, she chooses to be lonely. Truth is you taking an entire day a week to cater to her needs is more than you need to do and if you decided to curtail that you would have nothing to feel guilty about. As long as you are doing everything you can (within reason) to make sure she is safe and her basic needs are met you are caring for your mom and have nothing to feel inadequate about. I totally get how hard this will be and that it might not be possible but maybe not working so hard to meet all of her needs, the ones someone else could be, the way she wants will force her to accept a change whether it be moving or allowing caregivers in, if she isn't able to get her laundry done and meals made when she needs them maybe it will encourage her to bend a bit. No doubt she will work you hard but if you aren't able to jump you aren't able, it doesn't mean you are abandoning her and I was going to say you aren't leaving her to her own devices but actually I guess you are and that's the point, she has the control to get her needs met just not all by you physically. You don't have to say "I don't want to" you just say I can't physically do that but I can arrange to make sure it get's done. I can't move you in but I would love to move you closer and even if I could move you in I would need help caring for your needs and none of us would be as comfortable, you don't want to have to fit into our day to day lives mom you would have to give up your independence. We are going through a similar thing in that my mom is very resistant to having a hired someone come in to help so my brother isn't running up every other day, what she just doesn't seem to see is that having someone else come in will give her more freedom, keep her more independent from us not less!

Purposely manipulative or not, pleasure being that way or not (it may simply be driven by fear) you need to stop enabling her to manipulate you and either turn the tables a bit or simply give her the options and abide by her informed choices. NO GUILT! Enjoy that grandchild, you won't get this time back.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2019
Well spoken advice for many of us!! Thank you!
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I could have written this post. My Mom put me through this for 16 years, starting when I was 50 and it got so bad because of her Narcissism I hated her. She finally left the planet at 92 and set me free. I felt NOTHING as she had killed all feelings left in me for her. She was a narcissist her whole life and manipulated me when young too. When you think about it, did your Mom act like this when you were younger too, or did she not get away with it as you were married with children.
Momstogo - your 93 year old mother is a classic Narcissist! And, I had two brothers who didn't help me, as they lived 9 hours away and didn't back me up when I told them she should be in a care facility. Finally they backed me up and she was in an independent living/care home for the last two years. I still had to do a LOT for her, but it wasn't as bad as when she lived in her own home and I had to do ALL the yard work, house work, her hair, her nails, her shopping, painting the 3 decks, windows, etc., Also taking her to Dr. (when she wasn't too stubborn to go) She even fell once, hurt her neck and refused to go to a nursing home where they could look after her professionally and I had to live with her 24/7 for four months. She nearly killed me. I was suffering so much stress that I became an emotional eater. Went up to nearly 200 pounds on a small 5'5" frame. Since she was in the independent living home it helped my stress level so much I got back down to my normal 125 pounds, but it took me those 2 years.
Momstogo. Tell your brothers they MUST back you up as the stress is too unhealthy for you. They must help you move her. Time to love yourself enough to really get strong and put your foot down. Easier said than done, but you have a husband who can also back you up. I had no one as was divorced 5 years earlier. My Mom finally fell again and ended up in hospital with cracked hip. From the hospital they sent her to a nursing home and would not let her go home on her own again. Not wanting your mom to hurt herself, but that was the only way I got my Brothers to finally back me up. The story is longer, but hope I may have given you an idea. I hope you find a solution soon as you deserve a good life of your own too.
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I've read all responses to this particular situation and have my personal thoughts. My mom is gonna be 91, she's blind and walks with a walker. She moved in with us 3 years ago. Although I was not thrilled about her moving in, I took her in. And my husband did not mind at all. She has taken care of me my whole life and taking her was my way of saying thank you. I am now her caregiver. Does she drive me crazy? of course, she's a mom! I know what its like to be manipulated. You just have to take a deep breath and take one day at a time and do not let her comments get to you, brush them off. I say if you have the room, bring her in and hire a caregiver. The caregiver will take care of her and needs.
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anonymous284773 May 2019
Doubt very much that the mom you look after is not a manipulating narcissist. There is a huge difference when the parent is actually lovable.
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You've received so much support here. I don't know if I could add anything.
If I were you, I'd make a list (type or write out) the ++++ pluses listed here that support you or give you positive ways to address the issues. It is different from reading these (mostly wonderful) suggestions.
* The main focus for me is what works FOR YOU to sustain your own emotional and physical (and all other areas) well being? You need to realize you DESERVE to feel good about you in your own skin and life. Then, your mother.
* I would be very aware of going into long-winded explanations. Keep it very simple. "We can't do that now. (whatever she says). Would you like to watch tv or listen to Mozart - (give two options) that she'd like. Keep it short and don't get into this web of needs.
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