Mom is 93. She is relatively healthy with no major health problems. She lives in her own home with no outside help. I have tried many times to enlist home care but she fires them or refuses to let them in. I live an hour away and call her everyday. I visit once a week for 5-6 hours. (Total of 8 hours when you account for travel time) I work full time and sometimes don’t get home from these visits until 9 or 10 o’clock at night. I’m 60 years old myself and it’s getting more difficult to do it all myself. Mom refuses any help. She could use some help with bathing, laundry and meal prep. Which I do when I come. She eats mostly frozen dinners. But the worst part of it all is that she is CONSTANTLY manipulating me about moving into my home. I have very clearly told her that that is not an option and that if she wants to move closer to me I would be happy to show her some places. I have said this repeatedly. Which was very difficult at first but has gotten slightly easier. Still hard on me. I think she thinks that by refusing other help she will eventually get in a situation where I have no choice. She keeps testing the fences with guilt trips and manipulation. I’m soooooooooooooooooo tired. It’s been 9 years of this. I really do feel guilty about not taking her in but to be honest, I don’t want to. And that’s part of the guilt. I just had a grandchild. My only one so far and I would like to enjoy this time. I sacrificed for my children my whole life and now that they are on their own I would like to enjoy some time for myself. My husband is completely opposed to bringing her in but says he will “live with it” if she comes. I know she will tear us apart and wear me down to nothing. Problem now is that she wants to “visit” us for extended times. Or she says she is lonely and “can I come and stay for a while?” How can you say no to that? And every time she has a health issue, minor surgery, sickness etc she comes and stays with me and then acts like a beaten puppy when I take her home. The last thing she hinted at was that she would save up her pills and kill herself because “I didn’t want her”. How do I deal with all this. I’m at the end of my rope with her.
My parents and mom's sisters families took in my grandmother, but she was so easy to care for - no trouble whatsoever and they took turns, maybe several months at a time. The parents and siblings were also much younger, maybe 50s? Many of us are older than that, some into their own retirement with limited finances, etc.
I’m finding our parents, who were at one time hopefully good parents, become like children as they get older and we, the caretakers have to apply wisdom when necessary. Just as our parents didn’t let us eat too many sweets for spoiling our dinners and ruining our teeth, we also need to use wisdom and not cave when they are requesting things that will also cause dire consequences.
Too much sugar equals rotten teeth and a dentist visit with a co-pay and out of pocket fees. Manipulative parent in the home? Far more is to be lost like tense home life, strained marriage, loss of boundaries, stress and emotional pain that’s leads to mental pain and physical repercussions.
KEEP HER OUT YOUR HOUSE.
Hopefully these are just cases of the apple did not fall far from the tree.
And yes my parents were far from perfect but I still took care of them.
They did not have to give me guilt trips to try to get my attention.
Omg, I will have to get off this site because it is more toxic than helpful.
God help us, if we don’t even have compassion for our own parents, never mind the world we are living
in today. Family up!
I've had it with my Dad in the past. Talk of "ending it all", "no-one will miss me" etc. As I've said before, hes had a good few fake hospital admissions too.
Worse mistake I ever made was a few years ago. He'd been ill (but not that bad) over xmas. He'd come to our house (i.e. I drove 30 mins to pick him up, bring him back, take him home afterwards) for xmas day (was well enough to eat his dinner!)
I took him home later and he laid it on - "wasn't going to make it till the GP opened after the holidays", "was going to call an ambulance", "couldn't breathe and had chest pains". I spent hours with him - all the while my kids were sat at home wondering where their Dad was to play with them on xmas day (I saw my 4 year old for about 30 mins that day).
Of course, he was fine. Wife wasn't happy. Kids hadn't seen me all day. Regret ever letting him do that to me.
No, you are not alone. MANY people are in the same or similar situations. It is comforting knowing it isn't YOU who is the problem!!!
I agree with most of the responses saying no way to moving in.
I also agree with cutting back on contact/visits AND having mom come to stay/visit. That last option is one that can backfire easily. She can use it for more blackmail (see, I stayed here and was no problem!) or perhaps come up with a faux illness, requiring a longer stay! If she's ill or recuperating from a medical condition, perhaps live at HER place, but it would be best to avoid both situations. Since you are working, either someone comes in or she needs to be in a place that can care for her while she recuperates. THOSE are her choices.
Our mom was early 90s living in her own condo when dementia crept in. Initially it was okay, but over a short time I had to take over finances (making mistakes), then take the car (OH, that was a biggie!) I would visit/take her shopping, etc (1.5 hour away), sometimes on my way home from work (slight detour), but was laid off so it became more difficult to do! I also tried making meals for her, as I realized that despite buying food to prepare meals, she was relying on frozen dinners too (couldn't remember she had food or how to prepare it.)
The original plan was to bring in help. She didn't need help with day-to-day ADLs, but I wanted some oversight and to get her used to having people come in. It was 1 hr/day, as a sanity check and to ensure she took her meds from the timed dispenser. We let her think Medicare paid for this (they do cover some care, but it has to include personal care and she refused that.) After a few months she refused to let them in.
Time to look for a safe place - no way for me to take her in, for many reasons, including that I would not be able to put up with her 24/7! Brothers learned how much it costs and said Hey, I could do this for that kind of money! No they could not. BAD idea, but thankfully it never went any further than that.
My recommendation, stated above - reduce the calls/contact. Calls every day may be okay, but not if it is a long protracted conversation, and not if she starts the guilt trips! Cut the duration, frequency and certainly cut her off if she starts what you don't want to deal with. Many excuses can be used - Oops, pot's boiling over, gotta run! Oh no, my battery is almost dead, will call you later! Get creative!
While I realize it's a long commute to her place, can you break up the visits to maybe less time but twice/week? Or just cut the length of the one visit down? Does she really need 5-6 hours of help/care? Working full-time gets in the way of trying multiple visits, but if it's anywhere near your current commute, shorter, more frequent visits, if necessary, might be better... I would sometimes stop by during my commute, when I was still working. I also did not call every day. We had neighbors in the condo area who would be in touch if they felt the need was there.
Is it possible to arrange the outside help to come when you are there? If it's a weekend, it will cost more, but if you are there, she will find it hard to refuse to let them in or throw them out, especially if you say you've hired them to help YOU! Let them do laundry and some meal prep. Shouldn't take 5+ hrs to do, so leave when they leave. Take a load off your visits! Consider meals on wheels.
As for cajoling you to move in - simplest answer is No. If you to, say 'I've said no and no means NO!' If she continues to harangue you, just sit/stand and look at her - no response. If need be, leave (if on the phone, find excuse to hang up and DO IT!)
I'm wouldn't offer the "move closer", unless it's AL. But, what's to stop her from walking to your place? Moving closer can mean less stress on you because less time, however it means she CAN demand more of your time!
Final suggestion - NO GUILT! You're doing what you feel is best and NO ONE needs to be brow beaten!
Everyday is a guilt trip about how bad her life is.
Finding her a place near you would be a good option. Don’t give up your time with kids and grandkids.
You need to take better care of YOU.
Do consider giving your mother a different option.
If your mom owns her own home outright -- no mortgage or rent -- that may well be something she is unwilling to give up; however, if she had a potentially better alternative, she might be more willing to consider selling her home and moving nearer to you without moving in with you.
One option to consider is to begin looking for an assisted living situation for your mom, perhaps in the same town in which you live or at least closer -- somewhere where she would have a private room but where others would do the cooking and cleaning and laundry for her and even dispense her meds. She wouldn't be as lonely because she'd be required to interact with others her own age and in her same situation if only as she goes to meals.
Assisted living facilities usually offer transportation to and from medical appointments and often provide for weekly shopping trips. Hopefully, your mom could get involved in some activity the assisted living home offers -- exercise classes, arts/crafts classes, bingo, field trips, etc.
The two of you could share a meal once weekly -- at your home or in a restaurant -- but she'd have her own life and you and your husband could better enjoy yours -- and with you having less travel time and her making new friends, you might find visiting her less stressful and actually want to make more trips to see her.
Check for state agencies that serve the needs of the elderly. You might also check with the social services office at a nearby county hospital or your local Department of Family and Children's Services as to where to begin your search.
Thank you my2cents.
Seek out a GOOD therapist who can help you and support you in your decisions! No one, not even a parent, has the right to make these demands and threats. A therapist will help you reach a good place where you can accept whatever she chooses to do.
Your main focus needs to remain keeping your family intact and not living under a constant cloud of guilt. That constant cloud of guilt can be very emotionally damaging to you and your family.
If you need to walk away completely in order to maintain your own health, then do so! You have offered some good options, and she has refused them - that is her decision, and she needs to learn to live with those decisions.