Mom is 93. She is relatively healthy with no major health problems. She lives in her own home with no outside help. I have tried many times to enlist home care but she fires them or refuses to let them in. I live an hour away and call her everyday. I visit once a week for 5-6 hours. (Total of 8 hours when you account for travel time) I work full time and sometimes don’t get home from these visits until 9 or 10 o’clock at night. I’m 60 years old myself and it’s getting more difficult to do it all myself. Mom refuses any help. She could use some help with bathing, laundry and meal prep. Which I do when I come. She eats mostly frozen dinners. But the worst part of it all is that she is CONSTANTLY manipulating me about moving into my home. I have very clearly told her that that is not an option and that if she wants to move closer to me I would be happy to show her some places. I have said this repeatedly. Which was very difficult at first but has gotten slightly easier. Still hard on me. I think she thinks that by refusing other help she will eventually get in a situation where I have no choice. She keeps testing the fences with guilt trips and manipulation. I’m soooooooooooooooooo tired. It’s been 9 years of this. I really do feel guilty about not taking her in but to be honest, I don’t want to. And that’s part of the guilt. I just had a grandchild. My only one so far and I would like to enjoy this time. I sacrificed for my children my whole life and now that they are on their own I would like to enjoy some time for myself. My husband is completely opposed to bringing her in but says he will “live with it” if she comes. I know she will tear us apart and wear me down to nothing. Problem now is that she wants to “visit” us for extended times. Or she says she is lonely and “can I come and stay for a while?” How can you say no to that? And every time she has a health issue, minor surgery, sickness etc she comes and stays with me and then acts like a beaten puppy when I take her home. The last thing she hinted at was that she would save up her pills and kill herself because “I didn’t want her”. How do I deal with all this. I’m at the end of my rope with her.
Put the decision on the doctor if you feel guilty. Tell the doctor what YOU need to happen. Most doctors are very good about doing what the family needs.
Keep your foot down! Yes to advocating, and making sure they are safe...No to moving in!
It is not unkind to want my own life with my husband and grandchild. I would def be willing to share my life with her but it has been proven out over years that she is unwilling to accept sharing. She wants it all! If you have no experience with dealing with a person like this you really can’t comprehend the level of deviousness. She has been grooming me all of my life. My husband still has a hard time understanding my codependency. Until she pulls yet another amazing and totally hateful stunt. Kindness has many facets. At this point, my offer to help her as a nearby caregiver IS kind. And it offers me and my family the protection we need and deserve.
The "house money" is HERS for "her old age". She is 91. Im out at least $1400 a month from my pocket. The only money she spends is groceries. That is my penalty for not having her live with me- ask her, she will tell you that! I have less than 10K left to my name- I work 70 hrs a week to cut the nut and my insurance.
Her favorite subject is everything I do not do for her. I hire help, she fires help. She tells people I "stuffed her in a rat hole WITH RATS- and has accused me for putting her in an illegal apartment...all to get her way into my home. She too, threatens to " take every pill in the GD house" , but ask to take her out to dinner, the answer is NO! "why , your conscious bother you?"
Nasty- fowl -negative, thats every word from her mouth. She F's everything! Been this way my entire 60 years . ABSOLUTELY HATES my husband and my daughter, yet my son walk on water. he has nothing to do with her at all. Neither my husband or daughter has set eyes on her since she moved her 11 months ago. Its just me.
Just a few weeks back on one of her rants she looked at me and said "if you had dumped him (my husband) 25 years ago, you might have made something out of yourself." And I turned around and said, that is exactly why you have your own apartment! And I left.
So by telling you all this, I think you have an idea where I am going with my reply to you......NO! DO NOT have her live with you, if you do move her closer, be prepared for a short chain around your neck- you wont have to be worried about being at the end of your rope- it will now become a chain. Im married 40 years in October, my husband will die for me- BUT I wont put that on him, in any way.
My mother is healthier than me, despite being 340 pound! 91, obese and arthritis, needs cheater for the new paper. THATS IT! Yes she says she is a diabetic, and then totally ignores it and takes no meds or meal precautions. She is on Vits and 81mg aspirin. is NAKED 24/7 and will b*tch if she has to put clothes on, constantly complaining about being cold and accusing apt owners for controlling her heat. 88 degrees at all times.
Ive got stents (5) and a one new valve already. First TIA's and one minor stroke- I have been lucky. I have another evaluation coming up in June, which I already can feel the need for more surgery. She will blame my entire family for this.
Easter was a blow out- when I went to visit, Screaming crying why are you here, you dont care about me- disappointed Im still alive? get the F out.....Im standing there with flowers and a dinner. Which she said was probably poison flowers or food. I lasted about 20 minutes. I couldnt take anymore. Told her to her face, your too much for me today, and left. Do you think she would learn, naaaaaaaaaaaa.
Mother Day will be another one and then June.....look what they have done to you!
if you mom goes into a hospital again, tell them to put her in a rehab for recovery, dont ask, TELL and dont hold back with the truth. They are professionals, they know. THAT came from my doctors, not hers.
Your gut is telling you no, listen to yourself, no more second guessing. Mind control by a narcissist. They are not lonely, they have driven other from their life by their attitudes, and chose the word lonely instead of the truth. I wasted 60 years on my mom, trying to find that mother daughter thing-its just not there, yet my daughter and I have evolved so easily. This is their choice, their path. We cant fix unhappy and they wont even try. Trust me xoxox
Too many of our current "elders", especially those in the upper 80s-90s think of care places as nursing homes and have a distaste for them. Despite AL being in mom's plans, and often checking out places, when the dementia kicked in, her attitude changed. She didn't need it and would never live in one of those places! Her self-image was certainly impacted by the dementia. When the time came (she refused to let the help come in after a few months, and it wasn't really even help at that point, just some oversight and getting her used to them), she was adamant she wouldn't move, so we had to come up with a ruse to get her to reluctantly agree. She now fluctuates between wanting out and saying the place is nice, she doesn't have to do anything, etc. This is year three.
For those who feel a person needs to be in AL or MC, perhaps taking them to visit places can help. Often you can get a tour and a free meal, then they can see for themselves that the place is like having an apartment, but it comes with all kinds of help!
Then when she goes for the guilt trip card ask her when she became a travel agent for those. Your tired of hearing it and you don't need it from her.
As to being lonely, why hasn't she looked into going to her local senior center for sociable activities with others her age? Or moving to an independent living facility with other seniors closer to you? They'll feed her way better things than just frozen dinners.
Let her know what you told us here; you've already raised your kids and you don't see the need to raise her! Since she's refusing outside help, stop sending people to her and tell her she's on her own since she can bath, cook and do laundry by herself anyways. Then visit only when you feel you want to. She'll change course real quick after that.
Ask her and tell her those things and see what she says. She may need to rethink how she approaches you. And you may need to rethink how you handle those approaches with a good therapist.
You have NOTHING to fill guilty about. Please don't move her into your home, you and your husband don't want this, and that's perfectly ok. I would still encourage her to move closer to you though,(would save some wear and tear on you) and the best thing for your mom's lonelyness. Maybe then some of her grown grandkids can help out too.
Hugs to you, and stand your ground! God bless you.💕
She continues to do it because there's something "rewarding" about it for her. Maybe she really believes she'll eventually wear you down and get her way. I suspect there's more to it, because if that's all it was, after 9 years she'd have given up. Sadly, it sounds more toxic than that. She seems to enjoy hurting you. She gets a little thrill from it. That's the "reward" that keeps the cycle going.
No reasoning or logic given to her will stop the cycle. The only thing that will is to change the reward to a penalty. Making it so it isn't fun for her anymore to keep up with her guilt tripping.
It seems like you might need some support with this situation. Can you find a counselor who can help you navigate this toxicity and maybe come up with new ideas for how to respond?
You say you're tired. Of course you are! Nobody can endure all that and not be. Can you take a short break? Maybe tell her you won't be available to call her for a few days, then don't call her for 2 days and do some things you really enjoy. Spend time with your grandchild! Do a hobby you haven't been able to! Do pleasurable things for you.
When you call her, the guilt tripping will be severe, but you knew that and it's nothing you haven't experienced before.
And one last thing, if you aren't affected by her tripping, of you're like a smooth surface that the hooks she throws at you just slide off, it will be better all around. That's why I suggest a counselor. It might help you step out of the cycle that is so exhausting for you and rewarding for her.
Good luck. You deserve better.
Best of luck, I'm sorry you're facing such a tough situation my friend.
If I were you, I'd make a list (type or write out) the ++++ pluses listed here that support you or give you positive ways to address the issues. It is different from reading these (mostly wonderful) suggestions.
* The main focus for me is what works FOR YOU to sustain your own emotional and physical (and all other areas) well being? You need to realize you DESERVE to feel good about you in your own skin and life. Then, your mother.
* I would be very aware of going into long-winded explanations. Keep it very simple. "We can't do that now. (whatever she says). Would you like to watch tv or listen to Mozart - (give two options) that she'd like. Keep it short and don't get into this web of needs.
Momstogo - your 93 year old mother is a classic Narcissist! And, I had two brothers who didn't help me, as they lived 9 hours away and didn't back me up when I told them she should be in a care facility. Finally they backed me up and she was in an independent living/care home for the last two years. I still had to do a LOT for her, but it wasn't as bad as when she lived in her own home and I had to do ALL the yard work, house work, her hair, her nails, her shopping, painting the 3 decks, windows, etc., Also taking her to Dr. (when she wasn't too stubborn to go) She even fell once, hurt her neck and refused to go to a nursing home where they could look after her professionally and I had to live with her 24/7 for four months. She nearly killed me. I was suffering so much stress that I became an emotional eater. Went up to nearly 200 pounds on a small 5'5" frame. Since she was in the independent living home it helped my stress level so much I got back down to my normal 125 pounds, but it took me those 2 years.
Momstogo. Tell your brothers they MUST back you up as the stress is too unhealthy for you. They must help you move her. Time to love yourself enough to really get strong and put your foot down. Easier said than done, but you have a husband who can also back you up. I had no one as was divorced 5 years earlier. My Mom finally fell again and ended up in hospital with cracked hip. From the hospital they sent her to a nursing home and would not let her go home on her own again. Not wanting your mom to hurt herself, but that was the only way I got my Brothers to finally back me up. The story is longer, but hope I may have given you an idea. I hope you find a solution soon as you deserve a good life of your own too.
I applaud you allowing mom to make her own decision's here and if you feel she is cognitively capable of that then she is also fully responsible for the consequences. You have offered to move her closer which would not only make things easier for you it would enable you to be around more but she has made the decision not to, her choice not yours. You have offered and arranged for help with the things that would make life easier for her, give her some company and human interaction on a day to day basis, she chooses to be lonely. Truth is you taking an entire day a week to cater to her needs is more than you need to do and if you decided to curtail that you would have nothing to feel guilty about. As long as you are doing everything you can (within reason) to make sure she is safe and her basic needs are met you are caring for your mom and have nothing to feel inadequate about. I totally get how hard this will be and that it might not be possible but maybe not working so hard to meet all of her needs, the ones someone else could be, the way she wants will force her to accept a change whether it be moving or allowing caregivers in, if she isn't able to get her laundry done and meals made when she needs them maybe it will encourage her to bend a bit. No doubt she will work you hard but if you aren't able to jump you aren't able, it doesn't mean you are abandoning her and I was going to say you aren't leaving her to her own devices but actually I guess you are and that's the point, she has the control to get her needs met just not all by you physically. You don't have to say "I don't want to" you just say I can't physically do that but I can arrange to make sure it get's done. I can't move you in but I would love to move you closer and even if I could move you in I would need help caring for your needs and none of us would be as comfortable, you don't want to have to fit into our day to day lives mom you would have to give up your independence. We are going through a similar thing in that my mom is very resistant to having a hired someone come in to help so my brother isn't running up every other day, what she just doesn't seem to see is that having someone else come in will give her more freedom, keep her more independent from us not less!
Purposely manipulative or not, pleasure being that way or not (it may simply be driven by fear) you need to stop enabling her to manipulate you and either turn the tables a bit or simply give her the options and abide by her informed choices. NO GUILT! Enjoy that grandchild, you won't get this time back.
My mom sucks the life out of everyone who comes near her. My MIL gives as generously as she takes.
My mom goes to the ER at least twice a month for no reason except she wants attention. My MIL only goes to the doctor/hospital when it is medically necessary, though she will regale anyone who will listen with the drama of it for years.
My mom threatens to drop dead whenever I don't do things to suit her. My MIL may not like the way we do everything, but she doesn't threaten to die.
My mom talks at me, not with me, and if anyone disagrees with her worldview they are scum. My MIL talks at me, too, but she is also a decent listener when we really need her to be.
When I call out my mom on her passive-aggression, she gets angry, gives me the silent treatment, and slams things around like a child. When my husband and I call out my MIL on her passive-aggression, she laughs.
My MIL would die for her family. My mom would kill everyone on the planet to stay alive herself.
These are some reasons why a regular narcissist can be a pain in the took but still tolerable, while a malignant narcissist is evil and a danger to all.
And, yes, malignant narcissists live forever. My mom is 92, healthy as a horse and totally independent, while I've been exhausted for 56 years.
Do not bring her into your home. Start making other arrangements for the times when she needs extra help after a health issues. Hire someone to care for her in her own home. I swore I would take a second job to help financially if needed rather than take my mother into my home. She would have ruined all our lives.
If she threatens suicide call 911. Those threats are what got mother into a geriatric psychiatric hospital where she needed to be for assessment, treatment and proper placement.
Good luck. Look after yourself and your family. Your needs are important too. Your mum's care does not have to come solely from you.
Bottom line- if your mother is healthy- then live for your life. Maybe being more alone and vulnerable, she will finally one day agree to go to an assisted living, or a trip to the dr will recommend it.
Do either of you know anyone who is living in an assisted living facility? If so, take her with you to visit the person and allow the person to show you all around and see the activities.
Perhaps she's just lonesome and looking for company more so than she did in the past. My mom always talked about how long each day was when you are just biding time all day in the house. Especially when she used to drive here, there, and yonder to stay busy all day.