Will it be easy for my husband to take care of his very selfish mom in our home?

The question is not how easy /hard it will be for your husband, but what you will do. You are the only person you can control.

I advise you to work closely with a geriatric care specialist and have an assessment of your home done by a physical therapist. Follow their recommendations for any home remodeling or adaptive equipment that your MIL will need.

Then, work with a medical social worker to pull together lists of resources for everything from personal care assistants to home heath aides to meal delivery services.

I would include services for anything your husband typically does around the house: lawn service, car maintenance, basic handyman.

Plus, in the eventuality that you are recruited into care (and you WILL be recruited), you need services for house cleaning, laundry drop off, and child care.

Also, add to the list respite care for when your husband needs a break and a couple vacations, individual counseling for you and couples therapy for the two of you to save your marriage.

Good luck!

That is awful that he would try to make that kind of decision without your consent. My parents have tried to force moving in or us moving near them for awhile and it is always a hard no from me. I also already told my husband I would never live with his parents. I actually like his mom a lot but still a hard no.
I would put up a for sale sign in the yard and see what he thinks of that unilateral decision.

I'm not saying what he did was very nice. It was awful. Once u get married u suppose to disguise things together. Maybe u guys should seek family or marriage therapy. Only u have to decide like everyone else making decisions u have to do the same. Pray and stay focus.

I say since this happened give it a try and see where it goes. If he's leaving everything on u than u do what u feel is best for ur heart and soul. do u guys have children? is it just or was just the 2 of u? u didn't mention that.

Its very sad on all ends. I pray you do assist your husband even though he didn't say anything. Maybe he did and you did not hear him bc u were so set on not doing so. Its his mom he has a heart and i know he would do the same for you. Maybe her attitude was funky bc she did not want to be there and maybe they were mistreating her we don't know for sure maybe u can help in other ways by going food shopping.... I'm sure some she has nursing care whereas, someone would come in to assist. This only tells me that he would certainly help you when u get sick. Maybe she will be much nicer bc she's home feeling safe and secure. Think about if it were u or ur mom. I'm praying things will work out. In fact it will if u work as a team. u can do anything together with God and Prayer and working together. Much Blessings.

iYour husband managed to squander your good will and has proven he is no longer credible. If you really believe you cannot handle what is to come, then you should leave. I hope you are in a financial situation where you can leave. If so, i would not threaten, I’d just go. If you are not working, get yourself a job and then go. And get yourself some good legal representation. Good luck. I’ve been through something similar with my husband’s developmentally disabled sister. His parents just assumed their two daughter in laws would be stuck with taking care of her for the rest of her life. I refused.

PeggySue,

For your response to my comment. I know the property is probably very valuable. More valuable that Cali53's life and self-respect. No price cannot be put on these things.
She was clear about MIL not moving into the house. The husband totally disregarded that. They are legally married so by rights and the law, the home belongs half to her. The husband knows this too. I think California is also one of the few states that recognizes the nonsense of 'palimony'. Meaning couples who are not actually married and just 'shacking up' for years at a time have to divide property and assets up like married couples divorcing.

So yesterday while having a conversation with my own DH, I was actually reminded of this this topic and I thought about you (Odd, I know, but I'll explain). I have a question for you Cali. Is this the only area in which your husband typically springs things on you without asking or is this a typical thing for him?

Yesterday, my DH was off work and I was working all day - he made plans for US after work - and rather than texting me (I was literally working in my office at home but he didn't want to interrupt) or send me a message or wait for a moment to let me know he just didn't tell me until it was time to go do the thing he needed me to go do with him. This is a VERY SMALL thing in the grand scheme of life - literally miniscule. But it irritated me so much because I had other plans for that time (nothing important and what he needed me to do was more important) and I enjoy a few minutes of downtime after work and it threw me off.

Now why do I say that? He doesn't normally do this - he normally talks to me - and vice versa - about things. We have mutual respect for each other's time (big or small) and we ALWAYS talk about the big things.

I'm still very hung up on the fact that you husband has decided to bring your MIL into your home without even talking to you. Plenty of families bring loved ones into their home and end up having unbalanced caregiving arrangements either to begin with eventually as we've been talking about in our posts but at the very least they as a family agreed up front to bring them to their home.

He didn't even TALK to you about this! So what on earth makes you believe that he will follow through with providing her care himself? How can you think that he is not going to bring her into your home and then 100% expect you to take care of her? By your own words she has been rejected by nursing homes before they even admitted her. He doesn't think he has any other options. But he didn't even consult you. Do you honestly believe he will consult you about anything else to do with her, including who will provide her care?

No it’s not easy. Far from it. He will dump her all on you & find a way to go on a business trip or vacation. Height of disrespect to not get your approval first. You two have not a clue what to expect. sadly. Tell hubby to get her in a facility. Or he’ll be ex husband. Hugs 🤗

First thing if you suspect your marriage is heading for the rocks, is to separate any joint accounts. It has become a standard practice to drain joint accounts to leave the other person penniless. An equal split is at least fair. Just get there first.

Second thing is to work out and write down what you will do and WHAT YOU WON”T DO. You won’t change her bedding, her diapers, or her clothes. If she’s dirty, she stays that way until DH cleans her up. You won’t launder her dirties either. You will cook her meals (perhaps). If so, she gets a serve of whatever is being cooked, not a la carte on demand or at times of her choosing. You will not serve her meals at the table with you and DH. She eats in her room. You don’t pick up the dirty plates and wash them up – she eats off paper plates if necessary. She does not share your living room after dinner - DH provides her with a small table, comfortable chair and TV in her bedroom, and that’s where she sits.

Spell it out to DH. Have the argument BEFORE she moves in. Argue about the big picture, not sniping about individual actions. Write it down and KEEP the copies.

If DH doesn’t provide the care he is offering, and MIL’s living conditions are unacceptable, call APS yourself. Make it clear that you spelled this all out in advance. That’s why you need the copies.

Fight for your life! Because otherwise you won’t be living the life you chose.

Caregiving takes over the whole house no matter how large or well-appointed it is. Who cooks for her, shops for the food and many incidentals, like chux pads, she needs? If it’s you, you’re caregiving. Who watches her when he is out? Who carts the dirty diapers to the trash? If it’s you, you’re a caregiver. Who cleans the carpet when she vomits or pees on it? Who washes all the extra clothing and linen a sick person uses? Who converts the toilet to a raised seat? Who struggles to get the wheelchair through a too-small door in the bathroom? Where do you put your home items like the chair that is displaced because she needs a Hoyer lift? Will you feel comfortable having friends over when your house smells of urine and poop? Where will husband be most of the time? What happens to your marriage? These are realities. Caregiving is hell, not a fun family experience. If you go along with this, be prepared for all of the above and more.

No, it won't be easy for your husband and you will need to remain very strong and provide zero support.

Cali53,

I think sp19690 wins for best advice and comment on your situation.

'Your husband is a real tool. He is the selfish one not you'.

Preach, sp19690 and Amen to that.

JMO It's not easy to take care of any parent living in your house. I hope you're the exception.

Go on a cruise alone for a month. When you return if he still insists on her being there file for divorce.

Whar he's pulled has got to be among the most disrespecful things a spouse could do.

How is that 'most rest homes have refused her because of her terrible bad behavior toward the staff'? How would these homes have known of her bad behavior in the first place, that statement just doesn't make sense to me. There must be SOME managed care residence somewhere that WILL accept the woman, is my point. Money talks louder than 'bad behavior' which managed care residences are used to dealing with from elders.

Do you have such a terrible marriage that your husband feels it's within his rights to move his immobile mother in w/o your knowledge or permission? That's not intended to be a snide question, just an honest one. I cannot imagine my husband trying to do such a thing........I'd refuse to accept her at the front door. And if my husband felt he had the right to alter MY life to THIS degree without my consent, then I'd be talking to him about divorce. Marriage is all about team work, not making solo decisions that affect both parties.

Does your husband not work outside the home that he has 24/7 available to care for his mother personally? Is he strong enough to lift her up alone and transport her to the toilet, in and out of bed, etc, being that she can't walk? Is he comfy changing soiled briefs and bathing his mother? Does a wheelchair fit inside of your home and into the bathrooms? Is your husband able to cook 3 meals a day for her and serve them to her in bed or arrange for her to be brought to the dining room table for each meal?

There is too much missing from your post to get good comments from the forum. Please fill in the blanks and then you're likely to get much better advice than you'll get with all the missing pieces & parts here.

As I was reading the replies it came to me "Why does she have to leave her home". Husband can just as well get an apt for Mom and care for her there. She would be responsible for the bills.

Sure for him it will be, you will be stuck with her, he is suckering you in stating that he will care for her. Trust me, he will not.

Me, I'd move out, let him deal with her alone for a few months, he will change his tune.

He was 100% wrong and personally I would not tolerate this lack of respect for you and your marriage.

So, where are you going to live while you have her living with your husband? Do you have friends or relatives where you can rent a room or rent an apartment?

It is so aggravating that husbands take their parent into their home and then expect the wife to take care of them. Like it’s the same as taking care of babies. Babies don’t cuss you out or fight you when it’s time for a bath. Changing a diaper on a baby is nowhere near like changing one on an elderly person!

And if it’s a mother-in-law? All the bathing, toileting and such will be left to the wife.

Women are expected to sacrifice themselves for others. And are labeled mean witches for not agreeing to it. Like how dare you stand up for yourself?

If your husband brought her in without consulting you, then you already know how this is going to be. You are second place. He expects you to take her abuse.

You shouldn’t have to leave your own home, but you may have to for awhile. Hopefully he will soon find out what he’s gotten himself into when he tries to take care of her alone.

My DH wanted to move his dad in with us when dad was EOL.

I stated, emphatically--"no", just no".

18 years later I am still referred to as being 'selfish'. I still had 2 high need teenage girls at home. Moving g-pa in would have totally upended our lives. DH travels a great deal and I would have been the 24/7 caregiver.

Actually, I just simply was not going to be cast in the role of Primary CG, and DH would do 'what I can, but I have to work!' Dh couldn't stand blood, poop, pee, vomit or any of the other lovely parts of CG for an elder who is very, very sick. Somehow, I was deemed to be the 'better' choice than a NH.

I loved his dad. It wasn't for lack of love that I refused to bring him home--it was for my sanity!

I did run by DH a list of what I would have expected from him--and DH flat out kept saying HE had to work, but I didn't (SAHMs have it EASY staying home).
Dh refused to accept any part of CG. AT least HE was upfront about what he would and wouldn't do. Sounds like your hubby is SAYING he'll do it all, but in reality, you see that he is planning to dump this all on you.

We worked it out--I did end up doing the lion's share of CG, but FIL stayed in his own home and I would run out there 1-3 times a day. This only lasted 4 months, but it was super, super hard and nobody ever acknowledged or thanked me. DH, to this day, states I am selfish. (He's the ONLY person who does, frankly).

You ask will YOUR DH have problems if he brings mom home? Honey--he will come to hate it within days and it will all get dumped on you.

This might help....
my mum in law has passed now but she said many an unkind word to me over 30 years of marriage. I am still married other son and the game changer for me was when I took her on instead of expecting my hubby too. The most common insult/mean behaviour centred around food. Whenever I spoke to/cried to my hubby about her mean words, he belittled it/denied it etc This of course led to friction between my hubby and I . I decided my hubby cannot stand up to his mum (it was obvious from the start really) but you know what I CAN. I decided that I wasn't going to let her and her mean words get into my head anymore. I asked , after I had built up enough confidence and courage and after too many rows with my hubby over it , if I could have a private word. I spoke with calmness and composure, owned my hurt feelings and requested that she refrained from such comments. She of course said she didn't mean them and that I was too sensitive , I didn't rise to it and her meanness stopped. So did the rows between my hubby and I about her cruel words too. Deal direct I say. Its hard, really hard, but you'll get some respect for it too. Self respect first, then respect from others, which you won't need, but it will inevitably follow

Sorry...I just can't see this going well ...AT ALL. Lots of red flags. I dont know of your relationship with your husband but as a 'team' (i.e.husband and wife) letting someone , anyone, stay in the house when it hasn't been discussed with the other team member is ...not good...at all. Ignoring and not validating your feelings is another...not good...at all. Come up with a plan PDQ I say!

I think "refused" may be the wrong word here. I think the woman has been asked to leave at other rest homes and the word got around. When doing a background check it was found she was a problem and then refused.

Has she moved in yet? If not you need to make sure that dear hubby realizes that he will be doing all the work. That he will have no life because Mom needs 24/7 care. Because of the way you have been treated in the past you WILL NOT be her caregiver. He will be the one to do all the intimate things that need to be done. Or, use her money to hire someone. That this was his decision without taking your feelings into account, so he has all the responsibility. She is not your Mother.

If you are fixing a meal, I see no reason not to add one more. But, I would not take any abuse she dishes out. I would make her aware that it is YOUR home and if the decision to bring her there had been your choice, it wouldn't have happen. That you will not be involved in her care so she needs to look to her son for everything.
You refuse to toilet her for one. (For me worst part of caregiving)

Look up "grey rock method". You may need to use it. Boundries, set those boundries for MIL and DH. They may try to step over them, but u stand strong.

Not sure if this rates a divorce, yet. But your DH needs to be shown what it takes to care for someone and when that person is nasty and abusive that it makes caring even harder. You do not have to put up with the nastiness, you walk out. Every time she starts, you walk out. Make yourself scarce so he has to deal with her. He has to see what is involved in caring for her.

Think about your own question that you're asking here.

'Will it be easy for my husband to take care of his very selfish mom in our home?'

Here's the answer to your question:

What do you think?
It will be more than hard. It will be absolutely miserable. If you think that you won't be taking care of her, think again.
My friend, It will not matter one bit if you say no or refuse. She's in your house. When she craps her diaper, you will change her. When she's hungry, you will feed her. When she's dirty, you will bathe her. When she wants to behave abusively (verbally or physically), you will take it, and when she calls, you will come.
I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I've worked for couples whose marriages ended because an elderly parent needing care was moved in against the wishes of one spouse. Many wives flatly and adamantly refused to do any care for a MIL or FIL.
Yet, the first diaper or pull-up that gets crapped in is changed by the wife. The first bath or shower - The Wife.
Mark me, this is what will happen. Men are allowed to use the excuse of 'just not being able to do it' or 'she's more comfortable with a woman helping her' to get out of the gross care and it's accepted.
You will be lucky if the caregiving gets pushed on you gradually and politely like BlueEyedGirl94 says. Or you will just be the Designated Caregiver from day one. Now I want you to think about what your house will become. The needy, incontinent, gross, elderly invalid who hates you to begin with, will take over the main living area of the house. They will commandeer the living room. Take it over like Emminent Domain. This is almost always happens. Their junk, meds, assorted crap and kleenex will be everywhere. There's always kleenex in the furniture and all over. Crumbs and food too because they'll be spending all day out there and taking meals. Get used to a place that smells like piss and sh*t all the time too.
This sounds unreal, but I have known many DIL's whose MIL's hated them and yet were moved in. The MIL's would crap themselves the minute their DIL's walked in the door. They'd hold it for them. I wouldn't even be out of the driveway yet. They'd wait for their DIL's. Even the ones who still used a toilet and were only in pull-ups for 'accidents'. There would be daily accidents for those poor DIL's.
As a spouse you have legal rights and do not have to let her move in your house. Speak plainly to your husband and tell him it's either her or you. If he moves her in against your wishes, meet with a divorce lawyer. Good luck. I wish you all the best.

Will it be easy for him...NO.
Should you help make it easy for him...NO.
You continue doing what you have always done, do no more than that.
You do not indicate your age, how long you have been married or if MIL has dementia or other medical conditions or if you have kids at home or not.
I do think you might want to talk to someone about this. Personally I would be real close to packing my bags. (after talking to a lawyer) I think this shows a blatant disrespect for you.

I can confirm..... this will 100% Not be easy.

I suspect he thinks it will be easy because he believes that YOU will be helping him - in spite of your stance that you won't. I have found that people often think that once they do something they want to do - even when you have been adamantly opposed - they believe that you will have no choice but to accept it - and often that you will have to actually assist with it if it is in your space.

So you are at a crossroads. She's not there yet from what I can tell. If you still have time to get in the way of this and think you have half a chance - I would make a last ditch effort to get him to stop this. He thinks this will be easy - but if she has already been refused by places that are trained to provide care for her (with multiple round the clock caregivers) - how precisely does he think HE can provide that care all on his own?

What is her level/need of care? Does your husband still work? If so, who does he expect to take care of her when he is at work? If not, is he 100% dedicated to being at her beck and call 24/7?

You mention that she is difficult enough to have been rejected by nursing homes (that is a pretty bold statement - they usually have to have lived there and been asked to leave - I'd love to hear how she was rejected BEFORE living there) - does he think that just because HE is the one providing care that she is going to be a perfect angel. Statistically this is flawed thought. Many are worse with their loved ones and expect more from them than someone they are paying to provide their care.

What is your plan if he goes through with this? You say you will not be helping to take care of her - and I agree with that approach - he didn't even consult you - just made this decision in a vacuum. As such - he shouldn't just get to move someone into your home who needs 24 hour care and expect you to have to provide that care. That being said - how realistic is this to maintain? Are you really going to be able to live in the same house and NOT end up somehow having to help in some way - he'll start to sneak it in here and there.

"I have to run out right quick - mom is doing XYZ....when she is done she needs this sandwich I made for her - do you mind running it in to her?"

"I'm jumping in the shower, can you run mom her coffee and her meds?"

"I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and mom can't go with me, so she'll be here with you for about two hours and she has to do X, Y and Z while I'm gone, you don't mind do you?"

- you see where I'm going with this. Are you REALLY going to be able to say no to the "little" things that he asks that don't seem like a big deal? They don't seem like anything at first, and then before you know it you have ....

"Mom needs a bath and I really don't feel like dealing with her today - you do it" and...

"Its your turn to take mom to the doctor, I did it last time" and...

"Mom is calling you".

And before you know it YOU are the one doing the caregiving and he has slipped out of it entirely.

No, it won't be easy for him at all - but HE is the one that made the choice. The REAL issue is that even if HE is the one doing all of the caregiving - it's not going to be easy on anyone living in your home period - even if you don't ever do a single thing to help. But the reality is that you aren't likely to escape it.

And the hardest part is you probably already know that. And you know her history. If she is already a piece of work BEFORE, that's not likely to get any better.

I agree with others, let him go take care of her for a while in her current space and see how he thinks that goes. It will likely nip the idea of permanent servitude in the bud quite quickly.

Everyone brings up good points.

Would it be possible for you to take a little two week vacation....maybe visit the kids? Leave him alone to his decision so he gets the full impact. Whenever my grandmother visited my father would use my mother and I as a 'buffer'. Then one time he had to spend the weekend alone with her at her house. The man came back looking like he did a tour of duty in Vietnam. "He had no idea she was so bad". Sure he didn't because he always left us to deal with her.

I agree with most everyone here. Don't start trouble but stay out of their way. The most I would be doing is making extra for dinner, but he is the one who feeds her and cleans up after her. He is hoping you will jump in. If it ever gets too intense, just pick up and go to a movie. Is he really ok with bathing her? Toileting her?

I think you know the answer to your question -- NO, it won't be easy.

Please tell us more, though - how old is mil? Where was she living previously? Does your H work? (If so, how is he going to take care of her while he's at work?)