Will I be able to keep up as time goes by taking care of my mom?

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Will I be able to keep up as time goes by taking care of my mom?

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My mom is 83. She was in a severe car accident in 2008 and I have been taking care of her and helping her ever since. My dad died in 2002. My goal is that she never goes into a nursing home. I hope she lives another 20 years. I try to keep her mind active with saving money on food, and we do a great job on that. For now that seems to be enough extra to keep her fully busy. It has been hard in some ways though. Doctors visits, emergency visits, sometimes depression, PTSD from the accident, anxiety for her. And me just having to get up every time she calls my name all day every day. I do not mind doing it. I enjoy being here. Extra precautions need to be taken in everything because she has trouble walking from the accident. We use the wheel chair a lot too when I take her anywhere. I came on here, joined yesterday, as a way to get more information as time goes by. I've got to be able to keep it up, and be prepared for what may come.

Aging in Place Burnout Family Caregiver

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James - please stick around. You have a lot of caregiving experience to share. Read, answer posts, ask questions whenever you have issues. You are a good son.

For this particular thread, I think it's best you stop answering.

AgingCare Admin- if you could help close the thread, that'd be great.

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James, so now you're say that if it gets worse that "WE" including YOU are entitled to paid aides from the government coming to rescue you from having to caretake for mom in a house in suburban Jersey that you said you re counting on inheriting. Protip, most estates in Jersey are not exactly "small inheritance."

It's not 2008 anymore. It's 2022. This person is asking us how it's going to get worse, well he can read any number of forum posts here about how things rapidly got worse. If he's a good son, he can get himself a job so that if mom eventually has to go into a place that he can make that decision without worrying about himself being homeless until she dies.

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Why not? The government wastes money all the time. The greed in the medical profession is off the charts. Why should a person have to give all their money they saved to the government for their care? Who is really making all the money in these nursing homes? Certainly not the aides who are lucky to get minimum wage. So where does it all go? James gave up his life to care for his mom. Why doesnt he deserve an inheritance? I think he does.

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You can’t prepare for every scenario that may come, there are simply too many possibilities. Make peace now with not doing all of the caregiving yourself, for you will certainly burn out or have a health issue yourself and be no good to your mom. None of us should think we can do it all forever, we’re only human and all have limitations. Start now getting others involved in her life and care, whether that’s volunteers or paid help. I hope she has meds for anxiety and depression and if she does it sounds like it may be time to revisit them and the dosages with her doctor

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Who can really know how more difficult it can become but you seem to accept it all. I am not clear on what you are asking. You don't want her placed in a facility ever it seems. You are accepting this way of life for the both of you. I hope you can continue to find all the strength you need moving forward.

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James, I hope you don’t feel I’m being too intrusive…but who was driving when your Mom was in car accident? Hugs 🤗

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It was Labor Day weekend 2008. My mom and 2 of her friends were traveling from NJ that morning, down to the outer banks where they had a house rented for a week vacation. In Pocokoke Maryland after they stopped at McDonald's for breakfast they got back on the highway. My mom was driving, one friend in the passenger seat we known since the 1965, and my first grade teacher was in the back set we known since the early 70's. Five minutes after getting back on the highway a catholic priest/Monk turned in the wrong direction on the highway. Right on top of and head on into oncoming traffic. The priests Mitishubishi Gallant went flying and landed far away upseide down in flame. He was dead. My mom's tank of a car 1992 Buivk Lesabre was crushed. Her passenger diied instantly torn aorta, the lady in the back seats had a broken neck and back and was thrown from the car. My mom was trapped inside, fire shooting out 25 feet into the air from the fire departmnent photos, both her legs crushed, gone, smashed, every bone, both femurs, one broke in half completely, tore the thigh muscle out, shattered the knee, pls all the other bones broken, plus broken back, broken ribs, broken wrists, feet were on fire, and she was breathing in black smoke screaming for help. The pokomoke fire department said it was the worst accident they ever saw. After they got the fire out they helicoptered my mom to the hospital where she died 17 times. Then transferred her in helicopter to Shock Trauma in Baltimore after stabilized, where they put here in a coma for 2 months intentionally. When she finally came home end of February she had yet to stand up. We have been to the ER several times over the years for stress for PTSD. BUT OTHER THAN THE LEGS, AND THE NERVE DAMAGE IN THEM, NO THIGH MUSCLE, AND PIN AND RODS HOLDING BOTH LEGS TOGETHER, SHE IS OTHERWISE IN PERFECT HEALTH.

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James, have you looked into what your expected social security payment will be in 10 years? Have you considered what the cost of living is or likely will be at that time as well? The cost of housing? You need to start planning for that time when you may be on your own. Also, what if mom deteriorates to the point where she can't do any "ADL's" by herself anymore. Are you ready to bathe her? Help her in the bathroom and clean her? Just some things to start thinking about. I wish you well. For the most part there are great posters here that can give you great advice and guidance. Try to ignore the ones who may be a little snide.

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Mister Bill, I guess I'm one that's a "little bit snide" according to you but let's look at the facts here.

According to him, mom is mostly physically recovered from the car accident she was in 13 years ago. According to James himself, he has been jobless for 14 years and hasn't had a home with anyone but Mom for 13 years. James has not worked for FOURTEEN YEARS and BRAGS about how his TV/Internet/shelter are covered and how he's just ducky with having this roof over his head that mom paid for. He entertains her, he says, by focusing her on how "THEY" can save on food.

Only now 14 years later is he coming to us and saying, "Oh, how much worse can it get" when a cursory search of this forum will reveal this. He is as dependent on mom as she is on him, maybe more. So really what does he want here? Support? Mom's been supporting him for 14 years and when it gets hard we're supposed to give him advice on how to ship her out when she becomes so out of it so that he can keep the house she got before he was born?

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dear james :),

wishing you and your mother well :).

i think, in caring for our elderly parent/s, the future depends a lot on luck - and trying to plan as far as is possible.

Plan B, C, etc…

this way future plans can be activated if necessary.

how will you manage in the future?
-through luck
-and planning

———
some LOs and their families are lucky…
…health kind of ok
…sweet elderly LOs
…(many elderly LOs are mean to their daughters; sometimes sons, but it’s rarer)
…etc.

——

you’re 55.
:)

the only thing i would say (even though you said, past girlfriends were trouble, etc.) (and you’re happy with your life now, as caregiver to your mother)…i would say:

…do pursue your goals/dreams/love
:)

…we all have dreams/goals (don’t bury them; don’t give up on them.) (if past goals/concerts/etc. didn’t really give satisfaction, you don’t really miss that, create new dreams/goals!)
…regarding love, you might have unfortunately bumped into the wrong people. it’s just my opinion: don’t give up on love.

i think it’s great to love/care for others! :)

do give a full life to yourself too! :)

be nice to others AND yourself.

you have a whole life ahead of you :).

bundle of joy :)

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hugs! :)

:)
your loving mother (even though it would go against her own interests) should also push you to pursue love/dreams/goals :).

somehow combing caring for others AND caring for yourself/full life
:)

(2)

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How does this work? "I try to keep her mind active with saving on food...."

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i’ll take a wild guess:

maybe james’s mother looks through catalogues, choosing discounted items.

my LO loves doing that!! :)
always finds nice items. has done it their whole life.

——

dear becky :),

hope you’re well in your new environment. big, big hugs!!

bundle of joy :)

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That's a long time you've been caring for her! Do you seriously not mind being called to all day every day?? For 15 years?? Damn, I'd be banging my head against the wall. Does she do any PT or a home exercise program to improve her strength? Does she have any cognitive decline, which would not be unusual for her age? Do you think there are any indications that certain things have been starting to get worse, causing you concern for the future?

When the caregiving starts to get harder, bring in some hired help. Someone to clean is a good first step. Someone to be at her beck and call for a few hours so you can get out of the house and not have to worry about her. These things are mostly for YOU so you can catch a break and some alone time. Even if you think you don't "need" it, I think it would still be good for you.

Best of luck!

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He's not working Again. He's actually on here bragging about how he's on aid and dependent on her for shelter. It's her social security that's keeping the lights and heat on over there since he's on welfare.

There is no money for aides therefore.

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Hey Lea, thanks for the clarification, you are right about how he thinks it's copacetic.

Well if he does, then why is he here? If there's only mom's house sheltering him and he's happy with that, allegedly, then what does he need advice for?

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I think James is vocalizing his wish to be able to continue caring for his mom right up until the end & hopes he'll be able to. Perhaps he's here on AC for support & to get advice as time goes on & if mom gets harder to care for. He has the wisdom of all of us to tap into, right? :)

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Welcome

All the best to your mom and you.

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That’s not being realistic to keep it up for 20 years. You will see after even 1 year you will get burnt out. How old are you? Do you have a family? Spouse? Or want one in future? What about work for you? What happens if you have to take care of yourself…Drs, Dentist, etc ..what if you need surgery? What if you want to take a vacation? Do you want a life sentence for yourself? You will become very resentful. Do you have siblings? Will you be able to get outside help for her..so you can go out to do things? This doesn’t sound like a good plan for you or your mother. Hugs 🤗

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I have been doing it since she came home from the hospital and rehabs in February of 2009. She came home without yet being able to stand, let alone walk. The first 6 months were really hard. After a bout 3 months of at home physical and occupational therapy 3 days a week, we went to out patient rehab 3 days a week for about about 4 months. Just to get her to learn to walk again. She was 70 then, now she is 83. I am 55 years old and have no worked since 2008. The plan is to do this for life. Until she dies. It isnt that hard. She can cook still. She spent 6 months in care facility and it was not good. She said she wants to be here in the house she has lived in since 1965 the rest of her life. I want to be here too. Life is pretty easy. I don't need anything. I have NJ medicaid for myself. I have the computer and Internet, the TV, all the food I can eat, and I can sit here and relax forever. I lived a full life, work, friends, girl friends, concerts galore, trips, AC, and most of that all life sucked. Trouble after trouble for me. I enjoy doing life like I have it now.

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Hi James. Welcome to the forum. Regarding your question, I take it that you are concerned that you may not be able to keep up as your mother declines. Can you be more specific as to your reasons for concern?

Couple of things that come to my mind are: how will you support yourself after your mom passes away, and will you have a place to live?

Actually, one more thing. Do you have a plan for your mother’s care if something happens to you? If you get sick, need an operation, etc?

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Well if she lives another 10 years I'll get social security at age 65. That plus a small inheritance should be OK. I really put all that out of my mind. My mom is otherwise healthy. We been to every kind of doctor you can think of, no one ever finds anything wrong with her. The only issue is the accident, the legs. She can't get around that good, and can't take care of the house, and I have to do things for her all day. And do all the shopping, and take her to the doctors. It is all ok with me. And keep her safe, Keep her mind active. And keep on going. I have 2 brothers with families. They would have to figure that out if something happens to me. But I am OK. I don't go anywhere or do anything. I am happy though. But yes, the concern is to be able to keep up if my mom gets worse. So I hope to learn all the little tricks and stuff. We are very good on safety and medical.

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Let's hope you are able to keep it up, since you want your mother to live another 20 years & have the goal to never have her placed in Skilled Nursing!

Welcome to the forum & best of luck reaching all of your goals.

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Welcome!

You will learn a LOT here!

People who have been down this road before have absolutely saved my sanity.

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Will I be able to keep up as time goes by taking care of my mom?

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