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My dad has moderate dementia , severe incontinence and requires 24/7 care. We placed him in NH in September. He still weeps, begs to come home, says he is so so sorry for whatever he did. Etc. it just breaks my heart. We chose a NH close to us and he is visited twice a day. It is not the best facility to say the least and we have witnessed verbal abuse. Our family is going through hell and so us dad. He also was not happy with home health care all the folks coming in and out upset him and us. I cry daily over the whole horrible situation. I have a family. I even quit my job to care for dad before NH. My mom took care of dad until she passed and she never wanted him to be in nursing home. I have contacted multiple agencies and they only offer help a few hours a week. It just seems there are no good choices. Read is becoming combative to the nurses so now they have him drugged up and in bed all day. Help!

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It's a terrible situation we are all in. And it is scary that we might be there someday too. You want to do the "right" thing, but many of these facilities are not up to par. Is there an option to pay someone to come into your home? I know with my mom she hates the ALF she is in. And I'd hate it too. But they are not abusive there. Abuse is just wrong and should be reported.

Humans need love and a feeling of purpose and connection. To not have control to get those things is an abuse in and of itself, but how do we as caregivers help? I ask myself daily "Am I doing the best I can to care for my mom and keep her safe?" Living with me is not the answer. We have to do the best we can. Visiting 2X a day is a wonderful thing. I agree that you might want to drop in at unannounced times and take notes. Heck, use your phone's recorder to record verbal abuse... Sending a blessing for peace your way. But know that YOU are doing the best you can and that's all any of us can do. Be gentle with yourself.
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I would have a difficult time if the staff verbally abused my love one. I might have to get real vocal about that.

I will say that the first Assisted Living I placed my cousin, who has severe Dementia and now bladder incontinence, was not a good fit. They were highly recommended, but something was off. It seemed there were always issues. The staff would call me a lot with simple issues that they should have dealt with. She also had numerous falls and trips to the ER while there. After about 4 months, I moved her to a Secure Memory Care Unit. The change was immediate. Her health improved. She seems more secure and content. The staff actually knows how to care for her and talk to her.

The director at the Memory Care Unit, told me that no one there stays in bed during the day. They are gotten up every morning and placed in their wheelchair, if they can't walk. They are taken to activities and meals through out the day. I don't know if your dad would qualify, but I would look into it. He may fare better if he had his mind stimulated and had something to occupy his time each day. Plus, being with kinder people who really understand dementia would help.
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I wish I could literally give you a hug.I know this has to be very emotionally distressing especially as you say you have witnessed verbal abuse from the staff.This is going to be a new journey and learning experience for you. Alright, you said the NH is close to you, use this as your advantage. Make unannounced visits, at different times and days.Keep a journal of your visits, your dad's behavior, what the place looks like,how staff behaves, if you are afraid to complain to the management of the place, your state should have a hotline on nursing home abuse you can call,also you can see about putting nanny cam in his room.Make sure the staff knows you can show up at any time.,they will remember this.You are not alone.There are millions in your age group now having to go thru this with their aged parents.He may never adjust due to the dementia.Seek out a support group for yourself.Taking care of yourself physically and MENTALLY will help out your dad because it will make you stronger and a great advocate for him. You haven't abandoned him, he make think so but that is not the case and I think deep down you know this.We would all like to have the perfect situation to take care of our parents but unless you have been a nurse most people don't realize what all it entails to take care of someone that has dementia,incontinence,basically a human being that can no longer take care of their own basic needs.It is a physically and mentally demanding job ,even worse when it's your own parent.Make sure you know and have a list of what meds your dad is own,be proactive, assertive(not aggressive) there is a difference. You are your dad's best advocate.I am sure you have feelings of guilt, that's normal, that's why you need to seek out a support group of other's like yourself that is dealing with a parent with dementia.Keep us updated on how you are doing, I am so glad you came to this website, there are a lot of nice informative people on here, walking the same journey you are now starting.
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