Just because you married someone older doesn't mean "you" could not have been the sick one. We all could have that really bad accident, get a terrible disease. Would he take care of you? Do you think he married you just to have someone around to take care of him? Older men, in my experience, want to think they can still get a younger woman. It is an ego thing.
My brother in law married a lovely French woman 12 years older than him. He was 42 and she was 54. We all thought "what was he thinking"? But now she is 71 and he is 59. She is in perfect health, fit, fun and just a delight. He looks like hell, been sick, has a heart problem. We are wondering if he will die first.
We all marry, hopefully, because we are in love. If you marry to have a maid and caretaker in your old age. You should get what you deserve. He should be considerate of your needs as well. Get some help and have some fun.
Long term care in later years, what is the finanacial responsibilty of spouse? Do all assets have to be gone to receive aid? Thinking of marriage at 65 but don't want to end up with nothing in later years because of spouse medical debt.
I guess it would depend on what he means by 'take care of him' as to whether it is things he really needs help with or just things he won't do for himself, but honestly - this is why many men marry younger women. I would have thought that you would have considered that this situation would come up sooner or later.
It shouldn't be about age. You knew he was older and would probably suffer poor health before you when you married him; wasn't that awareness part of the 'in sickness and in health' vow? Taking care of a spouse can include assisted living or in-home health aides. Too many caregivers wreak their own health trying to do everything themselves. Our lives often take us where we don't want to be. But it's still our life to be lived with as much balance, humor, and shrewdness as possible.
My husband is 14 years older than I am. We had a long talk about this before we got married. He said to me, "what is going to happen when we get older, you will be wanting to go out and I will want to stay at home." I said at that time I thought I could handle it as we were both in good health at the time. Thank goodness I still am. Well, we are at this time now. He is 84 and I just turned 70. I don't really care to do a lot any more so this hasn't been a big issue. I could use some help but he doesn't think so. He doesn't want to spend the money. Well, I have looked around at some of our church groups etc. and the cost is really minimal. I have some of my ducks lined up without his knowledge since he doesn't think straight anymore anyway. We never expected COPD, glucoma, dementia etc. that he has was going to happen. He used to compete in the Senior Olympics. I just do the best I can everyday now and forget the rest. I have found that anticipating anything anymore isn't worth using my energy for. We do pretty good. I have given up most of my social stuff but I do hear by phone, email and just seeing some at the stores is nice. I had an incident with him just this morning with his printer. It didn't work. Wrong! Don't know what he really did to it but it works just fine. It should as it is almost new. Well, he had 7 things in the que and most is what I call "garbage." I just said to him printing this stuff in color is expensive. He didn't say much and I again chose my battle by not pressing it. Good 'ole dementia again I said to myself. So, now I am reading emails and answering some and doing something else and ignoring it. I refuse to let it spoil my day. I guess I got a little off track re the post. Sorry. But this all happened about the time this came in. So, I say like others here try and find a balance in your life. I still believe in my marriage vows and I will stick to them no matter how hard. I said for better or worse almost 25 years ago and I think the worse has come but again I choose my battles and I will try to make the worse better. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.
I agree with the husband. You knew the age difference when you married him. Remember the vows you took?...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Your marriage and Husband are your life. If you were the one with health issues wouldn't you want him to be there for you? Time to grow up. There are caregivers on here that are taking care of parents or grandparents...they didn't take any vows before God, but somehow they are doing the right thing for them out of love. It's all about love.
When you used the word "husband's" I assume you're talking about his family. If he said it, keep in mind the vows of matrimony you took. If they said it, it's probably because they want none of the responsibility and will definitely quote the vows to send you on a guilt trip long enough to last the rest of his life. ... Might as well join a convent and take vows of poverty.
I'm sure he didn't put a gun to your head and force you into wedded bliss. Consider all the options, as this is one of those situations when our emotions can be our undoing and common sense can be very uncommon. Whatever you do, do your best to remain kind and rational.
Bkaycee, then you've been married to a narcissist for 19 years so you're certainly not a rookie at this. I know there's meds for bipolar, but I haven't any idea about the narcissism thing. Has the dementia compromised his brain so much that taking meds no longer helps? The reason I ask is I'm wondering how you've coped with this for 19 years but not now, or has this been coming for a long time? Sounds like the age difference is the least of your worries because he could've had early onset dementia instead of just getting it when he got old and you'd still be facing the same problem.
Thank you for your feedback, most appreciated. My husband and I have been married for 19 and a half years. Having dated 3 years before marrying. This is both our 2nd marriage. We both have grown children by our first marriage. However the downfall to my anger and frustration that I seem to not be letting on to is he is Narcisistic/bipolar to include dementia/alzheimers. He still does a lot for himself, such as drive and sing on the Senior Choir at church, partake in social events with the Senior Tennis Club, can be jovial and fun to be with at times, but the personality disorder with the up and down of moods is driving me to be stressed out. I am truly thankful I still work. This is my out five days a week. We all have our issues and need to air them out to get positive and negative feedback to see if we ourselves are on the right path. Thank you.
John, you could be completely right, that the husband is reverting to roles he learned in childhood. But I gotta tell you this ... and maybe you know it from observing your mother ... dementia often changes personalities in inexplicable ways. What we would call selfishness seems to be a common component, regardless of the person's previous "normal" behavior. A man I've met with early onset dementia, still in very early stage and in many ways sharp and articulate says he knows he is being self-centered but he can't help it. His brain is fighting for survival. It has to be all about him.
I guess it doesn't really matter why the poor husband here behaves as he does. He is still not right, and bkaycee still needs to be the one who makes the responsible decisions.
Lordy, I hope I never have dementia! But half of all people who reach 85 do. Odds aren't very good, are they?
@ jeanne - well said - you are quite right - of equal value but not equal in terms of mental functioning/decision making as he has dementia
@bkaycee - I think you have to take charge as your husband is ill - as jeanne said - you have to take care of yourself and of him. Don't take lightly the business of caring for yourself, I doubt you will be able to reason with him about your needs and whatever his ability to reason now, it will be less in the future. As cmag said you do have to draw some boundaries - and arrange things to be easier on you. So I guess the answer we are giving you is yes, you need to go against your husband's wishes and arrange for some help for you. Getting help will mean that you are a better caregiver when you are there. Why not put yourself in your shoes for a change? You are asking "What about your life". We are supporting you to improve your life. I hope you have full control of financial matters as well.
A man often looks for someone like or completely unlike their mother. He does sound like he was programmed from childhood to look for a wife who would care for him like mom did for his dad. Is he an only child or was he his mother's special child? I don't know how long you two have been married, but to set boundaries now is going to be tough, yet very much needed. Your FIL and MIL's relationship sound much like my MIL and my FIL's relationship with him being the servant. I wish you well.
I always try put myself in the other persons shoes and what I come up with is, my spouse has lived his years and a good life, why not express to me to do the things I would like to do to keep me happy when I ask, as I continue to assist and wait on him as needed with meds and meals, etc. Not for him to be so selfish as if he is first and foremost and it is expected by me to do as he ask, which can be in a demanding way at times. He looks at me to be like his mother was to his father, yes, a servant. I question whether to stand up to him regarding my feelings or abide?
First, understand that total self-absorption and self-centeredness is a very common part of dementia and some other mental conditions. Unless your husband has been selfish throughout the marriage then I think you can safely assume it is the dementia talking. I am not judgmental of him. He did not ask for this disease and he can't help what it has done to his perspective. Poor guy.
By the same token, it is the dementia talking and dementia cannot be allowed to run the household. If he insisted that on a hot day you should shut the AC off and sit in front of the refrigerator with the door open, you would know that isn't good judgment and you would recognize it as the result of his impairment. You might humor him for a little while but you would not take his nonsense seriously.
This is the same situation. He is speaking nonsense. That is sad. But you need to be the one with good judgment and not take his nonsense seriously.
I agree with the gist of emjo's post, except that you are not literally equal partners anymore. You are equally valuable people, but a man with dementia cannot be given an equal say in how the household runs. You are the partner who must take on most of the responsibility for sensible decisions. It is probably not the role you signed up for, anymore than your husband volunteered for dementia. You have to handle the role as best you can. In this case, you have to take care of yourself and of him, and you need to decide how to best do those things, not let him dictate it. It probably means getting some help, getting some respite care, and maybe even placing him in a care center at some point.
My husband is 19 years older than I am and has had Lewy Body Dementia for 8 years. I know what I am talking about. And I hope if I pop on here with a similar question in the future, members will echo this back to me!
His thinking is impaired. Yours is not. Do the right thing. Take care of yourself.
agree with cmag - you are not a servant but an equal partner and your needs must be considered too. Can you get some counselling to work out a situation that is reasonable for you? You must feel like a prisoner in your own home. Arrange for some breaks for yourself. He may not like it but his needs are being looked after and yours must be too.
I really don't see how you do this and take care of your elderly mother as well. It sounds like you are in over your head and without some change soon, they each might outlive you.
That is not fair at all. How are your feelings of depression and being emotionally disturbed that you wrote about your 86 year old husband in the question you asked about that last October?
My brother in law married a lovely French woman 12 years older than him. He was 42 and she was 54. We all thought "what was he thinking"? But now she is 71 and he is 59. She is in perfect health, fit, fun and just a delight. He looks like hell, been sick, has a heart problem. We are wondering if he will die first.
We all marry, hopefully, because we are in love. If you marry to have a maid and caretaker in your old age. You should get what you deserve. He should be considerate of your needs as well. Get some help and have some fun.
Taking care of a spouse can include assisted living or in-home health aides. Too many caregivers wreak their own health trying to do everything themselves. Our lives often take us where we don't want to be. But it's still our life to be lived with as much balance, humor, and shrewdness as possible.
Remember the vows you took?...for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Your marriage and Husband are your life. If you were the one with health issues wouldn't you want him to be there for you? Time to grow up. There are caregivers on here that are taking care of parents or grandparents...they didn't take any vows before God, but somehow they are doing the right thing for them out of love. It's all about love.
When you used the word "husband's" I assume you're talking about his family. If he said it, keep in mind the vows of matrimony you took. If they said it, it's probably because they want none of the responsibility and will definitely quote the vows to send you on a guilt trip long enough to last the rest of his life. ... Might as well join a convent and take vows of poverty.
I'm sure he didn't put a gun to your head and force you into wedded bliss. Consider all the options, as this is one of those situations when our emotions can be our undoing and common sense can be very uncommon. Whatever you do, do your best to remain kind and rational.
Good luck my sister.
I guess it doesn't really matter why the poor husband here behaves as he does. He is still not right, and bkaycee still needs to be the one who makes the responsible decisions.
Lordy, I hope I never have dementia! But half of all people who reach 85 do. Odds aren't very good, are they?
@bkaycee - I think you have to take charge as your husband is ill - as jeanne said - you have to take care of yourself and of him. Don't take lightly the business of caring for yourself, I doubt you will be able to reason with him about your needs and whatever his ability to reason now, it will be less in the future. As cmag said you do have to draw some boundaries - and arrange things to be easier on you. So I guess the answer we are giving you is yes, you need to go against your husband's wishes and arrange for some help for you. Getting help will mean that you are a better caregiver when you are there. Why not put yourself in your shoes for a change? You are asking "What about your life". We are supporting you to improve your life. I hope you have full control of financial matters as well.
By the same token, it is the dementia talking and dementia cannot be allowed to run the household. If he insisted that on a hot day you should shut the AC off and sit in front of the refrigerator with the door open, you would know that isn't good judgment and you would recognize it as the result of his impairment. You might humor him for a little while but you would not take his nonsense seriously.
This is the same situation. He is speaking nonsense. That is sad. But you need to be the one with good judgment and not take his nonsense seriously.
I agree with the gist of emjo's post, except that you are not literally equal partners anymore. You are equally valuable people, but a man with dementia cannot be given an equal say in how the household runs. You are the partner who must take on most of the responsibility for sensible decisions. It is probably not the role you signed up for, anymore than your husband volunteered for dementia. You have to handle the role as best you can. In this case, you have to take care of yourself and of him, and you need to decide how to best do those things, not let him dictate it. It probably means getting some help, getting some respite care, and maybe even placing him in a care center at some point.
My husband is 19 years older than I am and has had Lewy Body Dementia for 8 years. I know what I am talking about. And I hope if I pop on here with a similar question in the future, members will echo this back to me!
His thinking is impaired. Yours is not. Do the right thing. Take care of yourself.