My wife was moved back and forth between her mom and grandmother. She was exposed to terrible things! Her mom shows narcissistic / mean behavior. We really can’t have her living with us. My wife has a very good heart but she is so stressed out, I worry about her. We live in NC but to go to a nursing home she has to have something physically wrong or mental problems. Need guidance please if available. We can’t leave the house for a few days w/o someone staying here.
thank you!!

If you can't leave her alone, that is a pretty good indication she would qualify medically for facility care. How much money she has will determine the type of facility. If she has little money, more than likely it will be a move to a nursing home and applying for Medicaid assistance to pay for the bed. Ask her doctor if her condition would meeting medical necessity for facility care and make sure you explain all the issues with her/why she cannot be left alone. If she has money and can actually live alone, with a little help/observation, then start looking in to assisted living or independent living facilities.

Or - if she continues to live at your house, use her SS and any other income to pay for her medical care/caregiving when you want to go away. Hire some caregivers to fill in some hours each day. Better to use her money for that than to let her save it up or pay for food, rent at your house.
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Reply to my2cents

NCDave, I’m sorry to hear about your health.

My late Uncle and godfather had prostate cancer in 2010ish and had it surgically removed. In June 2019, bloodwork was normal and he and my Aunt went on vacation. September 2019, had abdominal pain, bloodwork showed TMs very high and abdominal scan showed inoperable pancreatic tumor (pathology reported as a new pancreatic cancer rather than the original prostate cancer) with multiple mets throughout the body. In November, he passed in the hospital’s hospice surrounded by family and friends.

My mom (69) was diagnosed this year with advanced breast cancer, mets to lungs. She started an AI and CDK 4/6 inhibitor (targeted oral chemo). We hope she responds well to this treatment as it is the least invasive of her options at the moment. I hope the same for your treatment as well.

NHWM, continued prayers for you and your husband. I hope his treatment results in many years of NEAD (No Evidence of Active Disease).
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Reply to BL1982
NeedHelpWithMom May 4, 2021
Thanks so much, BL. I appreciate it. I wish the very best for you as well.
See 2 more replies
I am very sorry that you are in this situation. Call Council on Aging to do an assessment on her needs. They can offer guidance. Also, speak to your mother in law’s doctor to get a contact number or email for a social worker to help plan for her future care.

My husband just went through radiation treatments for his prostate cancer. His cancer had not spread. He also did hormone therapy and has another treatment left to do.

Are you a candidate for surgery? I wish you all the best as you navigate through this stressful situation. You certainly do not need to be a caregiver on top of your own health issues.

I hope that you will find a viable solution soon. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

If MIL can't be left alone, then she needs 24/7 care. I agree to get her evaluated then u can go from there. I would say that ur care is #1.

If MIL ends up in the hospital and then rehab especially have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If its found she needs it, tell them you can no longer care for her and will not allow her to be discharged to your home. U can allow the State to take over. Then ur wife no longer has to be made decisions concerning her Mom.
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Reply to JoAnn29

You can tell your MIL that you have cancer and therefore, can no longer care for her inside of your home and that she must now relocate elsewhere. If she has funds, she can move into Assisted Living which does not require that she have anything particularly 'wrong' with her in order to live there. If she does not have the financial means to private pay in Assisted Living and requires Medicaid to live in a Skilled Nursing Facility, you say that she needs something physically or mentally wrong with her, which I assume she doesn't have? Yet you say you can't leave the house for a few days w/o someone staying there...why is that? If there's nothing wrong with your MIL, she ought to be able to stay alone in your home! She needs an assessment by her Primary Care Doctor to see what kind of care s/he feels she needs b/c a SNF may not be out of the question.

In any event, you may want to look into senior apartments in your area that she can afford, or a group home like pamzimmrrt suggested. The trouble is, once you ask an elder to move in, then it can take an act of God to get them OUT. You can always contact an elder care attorney for advice, too.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1

If you can't leave her alone, she qualifies for a NH.

Being old and not capable of self care will make a person 'NH ready'. You don't have to be physically ill.
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Reply to Midkid58

How about a MC if she is slipping, or a group home?
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Reply to pamzimmrrt

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