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I have no relatives or friends who can or will give significant time to share in the care giving. I have done it all for the past three years.

I put her in the Alzheimer's unit after her last hospitalization from a avarices breaking and bleeding in the night and her almost bleeding to death before I could get her to a hospital. Because of her Alzheimer's, she did not know how to let me know she was bleeding. My lack of time to work was being affected and my stress level was exceedingly high.

My problem now is that she is physically better by being in the care unit, but I cannot visit with her. She won't talk about anything but getting out and all the things she has to do, which are memories of long ago. After I leave, she will refuse to take medicine, refuse to go to bed, will sit by the doors waiting for me to come and get her. I'm beside myself.

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You have done the most caring, loving thing you can do for your wife. There are no words to comfort your aching heart, but knowing you have given her the right kind of care will eventually bring your some comfort.

Your wife will go through different stages with this disease, so this current situation will change. Just do your best to comfort her. Use therapeutic fibbing when necessary (go back in time with her and say "you'll see your brother soon," etc.) I know this is hard when you've been married to her for so long, but all you can hope for now is some contentment.

You've gotten good advice from the community. We do understand your pain. Please keep coming back to tell us how you are doing.
Carol
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Agree with ladee, you have done the most loving thing for her. Now you can be the "loving husband" you want to be and can spend the quality time with her vs. the constant worry and day to day 24/7 caregiving. You know in your heart and from all the reading/resources that this will get worse and harder to manage on your own.

I know leaving her is heart-wrenching; but she is in good "skilled" hands and likely benefits from the routine, ritual and stimulating activities that her new residence provides.

Visit as much as you can. Consider leaving her with your favorite shirt/t-shirt, robe that has your scent (unwashed) on it for security and comfort to her while you're away. Maybe go around the house and take lots of pictures(or video) of rooms, church, favorite stores, restaurants, gardens, etc. and put them on a digital frame or in a book (Costco does this) that she can have and leaf through so she always feels close to you or close to home.

For yourself, consider joining a support group locally or even at the ALZ care center where she it where you can open up and share your feelings with others going thru the same. You'll see that nearly everyone is in different stages with their loved ones and have been through the same stage you're in. It will give you hope.

We are thinking about you and our hearts ache for you as you go through this.
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Once she has had time to adjust, things will be better... always remind yourself that 'love has many faces'....... it is love that prompted you to seek this solution... not martyrdom, not selfishness, but love... and yes, it's very very hard to be away from her.... if you didn't care what happens while she is there, or never checked on her, or never went to visit, that is abandonment.... having her in a safe place allows you to do nothing but love her, hug her, kiss her, and share all the wonderful memories of your marriage.... it takes courage to do what you felt was right..... I respect and admire that in you... please let us know how things are going for the both of you...... sending you and your wife lots of hugs...
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You have done one of the hardest things a family member can do.... turning the care of a loved one over to relative strangers.... but this was done with love. This was done because it was the right thing to do. Put her somewhere and give her time to adjust, or let her live alone and come to harm that you could not live with yourself afterward? Sounds like you did the most loving thing any one could do in this situation.... many are placed to be 'out of sight, out of mind', in your case it was done with love and concern for her well being.... she will adjust to her new home.... and as hard as it is, staying away will benefit you both in the long run.... of course still be her advocate... check on her every day via phone or email..... no matter what, this is a life changing decision for you and her..... but sounds like the absolute right thing to do.... come back and let us know how she is... and how YOU are...... give it time, she will adjust.... sending you lots of hugs of support....
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I am going through the same with my mother. My father passed away on christmas night and we found out just how progressed she really was.. So in saying that you did the right thing. I believe the stress was too much on my father.. I moved in with my mom having her in adult daycare while I worked. It was always something she was getting a uti, her leg, ect.. She ended up in a nursing home for therapy on her leg. We brought her home she only lasted a week and was back in the hospital and this time contracted cdiff, she went back to the nursing home and we brought her home once again. She lasted three days and back in the hospital.. We tried to keep her at home but realized we were doing more harm than good,, she does good and doesn't get sick there. We attempted one last time of bringing her home and the third day the daycare van brought her home puking with diareaha during which the van driver backed into my caregivers car, there was so much chaos we decided this time it has to be it.. She calls our phones at all hours saying why did you kids dump me here I wanna go home,, she doesn't remember getting sick and everytime we bring her home within a day she is saying what am I doing here I want to go back to the nursing home,, I come to realize when she says she wants to go home she doesnt mean the home she lived in with me.. She means the home she shared with my father.. This is so heart wrenching.. I dread the visits and was told to keep them short.. If she only knew what I went through to keep her home,, we rented a 1200 a month house in gilbert that I am now stuck with and cant afford,, I will have to move soon. She was spliting the rent with me. Its tough and Im sure even tougher with a spouse.. The stress will kill you. I realized it was time to turn it over to skilled nursing..
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Ladee, thanks for the response. I did it out of love, but our lives were so close after 56 years of marriage. I am sure that in reality, it is harder on me than her. It is hard not to feel that she feels punished rather than loved. She is probably the youngest resident at 73 years of age and the most coherent. She has all the major handicaps of Alzheimer's, yet she is very conversant in a conversation.
I will try to give feed back from time to time.
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Sorry, I realize now this is your wife... but my feelings remain the same... You did the right thing..... Unfortunately there are no books written for us to handle this part of life.... you did a very loving and practical thing by making sure she is being taken care of...... you did the right thing... as I said, give her time, she will adjust....
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I can only support the other two answers and wish you and your wife all the best
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You made your decision from a place of love. Pray for strength and patience and acceptance of the situation. Take a lesson from her and when you do think of her, try to recall your best times.
God bless you.
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Please consider yourself hugged, and TRY to take care of you. You must be physically and emotionally exhausted... These decisions are so very difficult, and your wife needs you to be healthy and to advocate for her. I hope she's able to have some personal belongings that are familiar with her.

“The Only Thing That Is Constant Is Change -” and I hope you have a trusted someone near, or in your community that you can share this heart burden with... sometimes this kind of sharing helps us not to second guess ourselves and it helps relieve some of that being "beside myself."

My heart goes out to you....
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