Wife showers about twice a year and uses large disposable wipes the rest of the time. How do I get her to shower?

As an old retired RN I can tell you the the dermatologists at my own hospital said that Americans (we were singled out) wash too much! Not great for skin, and especially aging skin.

Every area of the body has UNIQUE colonies of differing microscopic "wildlife". That is to say, under the microscope, the bacteria and fungal colonies living on the foot in no way resemble the colonies under the arm in no way resemble the umbilical colonies.

It can get fascinating if studied. But for your situation here the question is, are you noticing odors that are disturbing. Because if the large wipes are "doing the job" there is quite honestly no reason for concern.

Just as an aside, have you discussed with your wife what she dislikes so much about the shower? And if so, what has she told you?

Replies in this thread reference earlier threads by the OP, of which I could find only one, regarding what was described as verbal abuse but, based on the description, might also be described as excessive airing of grievances or something like that.

Someone mentions that the woman refuses to tell her children about the vascular dementia. If the children cannot figure out for themselves what is happening, then it would seem this dementia is not yet at the put-her-in-a-nursing-home stage.

I didn’t see a case in that earlier thread for institutionalizing this woman and stripping her of all civil rights.

On what basis, exactly, are we saying that this woman’s husband should extract her from their *shared* home and stick her in a facility? Because she’s using cleaning wipes instead of getting under running water?

In an earlier historical era, bathing twice a year (no wipes) was pretty standard.

If this woman, apparently approaching the end of her life, is managing odor, what exactly is the issue here? (The wipes seem to be providing enough friction to prevent dermatitis?)

This woman sounds like someone who would be enraged and devastated if she were committed to an institution, not someone who would find a new lease on life through participating in sing-alongs and such.

They’d break her spirit and medically placate her soon enough, of course.

If she can basically still tend to herself and the spouse can be elsewhere in the residence doing his own thing, I say leave it alone.

Or maybe try to bargain: “If you develop a skin condition and a neighbor or doctor calls adult protective services on us, a predatory conservator can show up and seize control of our lives” (see “How the Elderly Lose Their Rights” https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights and The Guardians https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjX1cjYD1OY)
So how about 2x/month instead of 2x/year?

Maybe a tub of warm water with one of those plastic sponges that suds up so nicely would be preferable to a full-on shower?

My late husband had vascular dementia, and when he was still mobile I had to help him in the shower. Meaning I helped him get in and sit on the shower chair, I washed him up(yes I got a little wet)I helped him out and helped dry him off.
Have you tried that?
You have to make sure that your wife feels safe in the shower, so you must have grab bars, a slip proof mat, and a shower chair,
So you can either help her shower or hire aides that will help her.
But when my husband became bedridden the last 22 months of his life, he just got bed baths twice a week by hospice aides.
Have you looked into hospice yet to see if your wife qualifies for their assistance?
If not I would.
And of course, if her care is getting to be just too much for you, you need to place her in a memory care facility.
If money is an issue you can apply for Medicaid for her.
I wish you both well.

Sometimes, with best intentions, caregivers become SO RESOLUTE in their attempts to maintain the status quo (usually “keep LO at home at all costs no matter what my life isn’t as important as hers I made a promise not to send her to a home we can’t afford the care she deserves…….” that they actually totally abandon their own welfare completely, with the thought that doing this somehow benefits the person for whom they care.

Are you thinking, Shadow23, that living as she is is somehow a kindness to her, or that her welfare is well served by not bathing, or that your current lifestyle is more beneficial to you both than you can offer to her through placement in a nearby residential care site?

There are times when ALL of the alternatives for providing care NEED to be explored.

Are you content with ANY part of her current care regime? Are there parts of her day when she’s peaceful, content? Are you peaceful and content with aspects of caring that you have assumed?

Even for you to CONSIDER changing what you’re doing now can be helpful. Consider care alternatives that are local, whether hiring respite help to come in, shoo you out, and deal with your wife’s basic needs, or have the respite care come and excuse yourself to go outside and plant flowers or fill the bird feeders or whatever can give YOU a little downtime, or JUST do some visits to residential care sites in your area.

No guilt, no commitments or contracts- just see for yourself.

Someone needs to change in order for things to work even a little better, and she can’t.

Do it, for yourself, AND FOR HER.

A friendly Aide (with Dementia experience) that visits your home 1-2 times a week to get this task done.

"Time for a lovely warm shower. Then put on your nice fresh clothes".

If friendly doesn't work, try for an old school matronly matter of fact type Aide.

Time for your freshen up now.

You find her a care facility where she can get the help she needs. There are skin issues that can develop if she's not staying clean enough.

I know you have your hands full caring for her, but she is demented and shouldn't be running the show.

Good luck with finding a better situation for both of you.

All of the questions you've posted here indicate your wife is in dire need of more care than you're capable of providing for her alone at home. Including abusive 3 hour lectures, 2x a year showers, refusing to tell your children of her diagnosis, etc. It's been repeatedly suggested to you to look into Memory Care Assisted Living for your wife where she will be bathed 2x per week and fed, socialized, entertained and given activities to do that will help keep her mind stimulated. She'll see doctors in house and have her meds administered daily as well.

At the very least, hire experienced in home caregivers to shower your wife regularly and to provide you with respite. Educate yourself about dementia as well so you know what's coming down the road and what to expect.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Showers are discussed in the booklet as well.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Best of luck to you!