She wants her cell phone, her jewelry, and her bank card and account information, but does not need them. For months prior to her being admitted, she would forget how to use her computer and her cell phone, constantly asking for help. But the next day, she had already forgotten what I showed her so she’d start pushing keys out of frustration and ended up making a bigger mess. She was addicted to AMAZON and TEMU, ordering items she didn’t need, but thought she did. I was able to return items to AMAZON, but she discarded receipts and info from TEMU so those items could not be returned. She would not tell me she had ordered something from TEMU and would hide it when it arrived. AMAZON was different because she used my account, but her own credit card, and I would be notified of those purchases.She has accused the family of “putting her away and not caring about her” which is unequivocally untrue, but is something she has conjured up on her own. We do not want her to have access to her bank card or her bank account because we know she’ll begin ordering things like a phone and a computer, which she does not need. So each visit with her ends up with her being very upset, mad, and frustrated because we will not do what she wants, when she wants it done. We would like to know how to handle this situation without it becoming confrontational, Yes, we don’t visit as often as we would like because every visit ends up the same. How can we have a nice visit without her placing her demands on us, making us feel terrible because we don’t feel those demands (requests in her opinion) are necessary, and for us not wanting more frequent contact with her if it always ends up this way?I am no longer able to take care of her in our home due to my physical limitations and her rapidly progressing dementia. I know this situation is not unique to us so I’m hoping for some guidance from those who have gone through this experience. Thank you.
Then, do it. Leave: Every. Time.
She will learn.
I guarantee it.
Confrontations about one thing or another are normal, unfortunately. My mother carried on to such an extent sometimes that my husband and I would get up and leave, telling her we'd be back when she was in a better mood. Since we stuck to our guns, she knew to stay civilized or we'd leave. Ativan calmed down her aggression and anxiety quite a bit also. She had to be on max dose Wellbutrin for many years as well, to control her depression, as so many dementia sufferers do.
Placement, and dementia itself, is often a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned. Everybody winds up upset; you, your wife, the family, etc. There wasn't a time I didn't have a stomachache or cry (or both) after a visit with mom at the MC. She was never relaxed or happy, and had a way of being seriously ugly towards me and very pleasant to the staff. As if it was MY fault she was 92 and saddled down with dementia and other issues. It wasn't. And it's not your fault your wife is either. It's just an unfortunate roll of the dice for ALL of us. We each have our crosses to bear.
Best of luck to you.
This isn't a happy time. She is losing control of everything including her assets and her mind. This is a very UNhappy time, and it needs to be accepted that she sees you, as you see yourself, as her rescuer, as the one responsible for these sad things.
It's time to explain (and probably over and over again) that she no longer has good enough control over things to keep things safe. Therefore she now lives here for her safety and you protect her "things" for their safety.
You may also be closing in on the time when ALF isn't going to work. She will be frustrated. She will have access to things she can get no longer manage, including phone access to you.
I am so dreadfully sorry. This all falls into the sad category of things that cannot be fixed. If she loves "bling" then get her good costume jewelry she will love. It is so easily available on Ebay and Etsy now as people start to give up their beloved jewels, is not expensive, and can be lost without any problems. She will love the gifting. When she complains just level with her that charge cards and things she cannot afford to lose or have taken can no longer be with her.
Again, allow her to mourn. Allow her to be angry at you. Allow yourself to acknowledge that things are now no longer in her control because they cannot be.
Mourn this with her. It is worth grieving.
Some facilities have hair salons. Be sure she has full access to that service, and an easy way to pay, maybe without asking your permission.
When you visit, allow her to look at Amazon and put a few things into the cart or on a wish list. Then purchase them if you can.
Consider that she might need memory care rather than assisted living, either now, or soon. She might be seeing others in AL who DO have the things she wants, because their limitations are only physical, and that might be triggering her. In memory care no one will have them.
Talk with her doctor(s) about medications that can help calm her down. These can make a world of difference. Her brain is not functioning correctly and she can't control her emotions and anxiety, so she needs medical help. That in turn will make your visits with her calmer and more pleasant.
Part of it is losing her ability to control some of her life when her life seems to be unraveling before her.
You can try some of these responses....
"Oh, I'm sorry I left the information at home"
"I was going to bring the card but I realized it was expired and had to order a new one"
(By the way have you thought about giving her an expired or cancelled card just so she has one?)
And if you are visiting every day maybe cut back to every other day until she gets settled.
I have to ask..if she does not have a phone or a computer how would she be able to order items? Is there a "community" computer? And another question...is she in Assisted Living or Memory Care? The concern with AL is that she has more access to devices and possibly even unsupervised trips to town. (Most AL provide transportation to stores where residents are dropped off and have to meet back at the bus or van to return) If she is in AL she might be safer in MC.