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Wife does not want to/refuses to go to a nursing home. I want to leave, but know this is wrong.

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So, I used to work as a receptionist at a Memory Care AL in 2019 and got to meet a LOT of husbands who had no other choice but to place their wife into the care of the AL when their needs became too great at home. "No other choice" being the key words here. They didn't 'want to' place their wife; the wife probably 'didn't want to go' into the AL, but dementia and illness often reaches a point where choice leaves the scene and necessity replaces it. These husbands *and wives too* would come, some on a daily basis, to visit & spend time with their spouses. They'd take the spouse out for lunch or dinner, or out for ice cream, or they'd sit together in the common area & watch a movie, or even take a nap together in the room. Then the spouse would get to go home and live his life w/o the burden of having to change Depends, worry that the wife was wandering out of the house at night, deal with screaming tantrums, or falling, or whatever the nightmare du jour would be.

The reality of the situation is that you can no longer care for your wife at home. Is it 'wrong' for you to place her? No, of course not. In fact, it's wrong for HER to 'refuse' to BE placed and by doing so, placing such a huge burden on YOUR shoulders. Being the sole 24/7 caregiver for another person with a ton of needs is TOO MUCH for most people to handle, and there is no shame in admitting that. I could never do it for my mother, so she lives in Memory Care Assisted Living now, and regular Assisted Living before that.

If you are asking if it's 'wrong' to leave your wife, as in divorcing her or ditching her to fend for herself, well that's a horse of another color. You can place her first, make sure she's safe & cared for, and then decide what you want to do from there. Being overwhelmed with her care as you are, I'm sure you're having the 'fight or flight' reaction and 'flight' sounds like a mighty good alternative right about now, especially since she's being stubborn about placement.

Try to remember this: there are TWO lives here that matter, not just hers. YOUR life matters too. Sometimes we get so caught up in worrying and caring for the sick family member that we lose ourselves in the process, forgetting that WE matter too! Try to regroup and make a decision that takes BOTH of your lives into account.

Wishing you the best of luck.
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MountainMoose Oct 2021
Genius post, Lealonnie1!
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OLDEMAN,

If your wife cannot do for herself and has dementia getting placement in a nursing home is not her decision to make. I've been in senior homecare for a long time and have worked for more people than I can remember. I never had an elderly client on my service who was agreeable about going to a nursing home. Even the ones who were invalid or completely out of it with dementia.
It is not wrong for you to want to leave. Everyone who's ever been a caregiver has wanted to leave at one time or another.
If caregiving for your wife at home is no longer possible or safe then the only alternative is a nursing home. Do what's right and find a nursing home for your wife.
In this life doing what's right does not always make yourself or others happy. The right thing isn't always what everyone likes or wants.
Your wife doesn't want to be in a nursing home. She NEEDS to be in one though.
What she needs has to come before what she wants.
I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. Please try to remember something else too. Your life and well being is just as important as your wife's.
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MountainMoose Oct 2021
What a fantastic and thoughtful post, BurntCaregiver!
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With a diagnosis of dementia she no longer knows what is safe for her and safe for you.
Placing her in Memory Care is a difficult decision, one that is not made on a whim or spur of the moment. It takes planning, thought and care.

It amazes me that care Facilities either Memory Care of Assisted Living are staffed round the clock with people that are trained, many get educational hours to keep their certification current and valid yet some how "we" expect or are expected to do the same in the home with no one usually to help, no equipment and a house that has not been built to accommodate someone in a wheelchair or using equipment.

I based planning on moving my Husband to Memory Care when it came to SAFETY. That was the one thing that would have made the decision for me.
If it was no longer safe for HIM for me to care for him at home...
If it was no longer safe for ME to care for him at home....
I would have made the difficult decision to place him.

other people have other triggers that would be the factor that would place their loved one. Toileting, violence, unable to transfer....
YOU make the decision that is best for YOU.
If you are physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted you can not continue the way you are. It becomes dangerous. Here we are back to SAFETY again.

Placing her is not giving up. It is accepting that you can not do this alone, safely.
No one WANTS to go to a Nursing Home, Memory Care but sometimes it is necessary.
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Do you want to leave HER or leave THE SITUATION?

Just asking b/c if you really don't want to leave HER, but need help, maybe the answer is the 2 of you moving to an assisted living apartment, where she can get the care she needs and you can be free to come and go.

I know of many couples who have made this choice. Most of them kept the 'family home' renting it to family--or whatever works, with the idea that once the sick member of the marriage needs MORE care, or passes away--the healthier if the two can return home.

In a lot of cases, the CG dies before the one being cared for. I think it's about 35%---that's a lot.

Come back and add to your story, so we will know how to best respond.

BTW, it's NOT wrong to want your own life, and 24/7 CG is brutal on even the healthiest person.
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With all that your wife has going on,(according to your profile)it seems like you're now to the point where you not only have to do what's best for her, but for you as well. And unfortunately that probably means that she really doesn't have a say in the matter anymore.
You are probably more than burned out and are just coming to the realization that you can't continue on like you have been, and that's ok. We're all human, and we all have our breaking points. So instead of "leaving," perhaps it's time you get serious about finding the appropriate facility to place your wife in, so you can get back to just being her husband and her advocate, and let the rest of the 24/7 care fall on folks better equipped to deal with her care.
I'm sure you've done a great job so far, so don't beat yourself up because you're now at the point of having to place her. You matter too, and while it will be hard to place her, in the long run you already know that it's for the best, and is what needs to be done.
I wish you both the very best.
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Hi Old,

Every burnt out caregiver wants to run away including me. But a smart plan has to be in place…start to tour nice facilities nearby. If she wanders & has behavior problems, a nursing home would be best. They’ll put an ankle bracelet on her & take care of her. You deserve a life too. You can visit her as much as you want. Then you’ll change your screen name to “Youngman” Hugs 🤗
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I am in a nursing home right now. It's clean, very comfortable. The is kind and considerate. they answer buzzers quickly. Never more than it takes them to walk down a hall. It is not a viper pit or horrible in any way.
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Riley2166 Oct 2021
Bless you if you are this lucky - I am happy for you. I have seen the insides of quite a few and what I see has given me nightmares. There is no way in hell I would go near one ever - I'd end it first. This is the most horrific possible ending to my life that I can imagine. Assisted living is bad enough with all the dementia people. I will be 88 but can't walk but I am 100% high functioning and do all the things a 30 year old does - against impossible odds but through sheer determination, I force myself to do the things almost no one like me even tries doing - and I SUCCEED.
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Do as she NEEDS for safety. Nursing homes can provide good care, good meals and activities..As a retired clinical staff member {27 yrs} of nursing home and assisted living facilities I have seen ladies come in unhappy and within a few weeks they are cheerful again. Many ladies like the attention a long term care nursing facility provides..My counselor told me “your job as a daughter is to make sure your mom is safe, well fed and has a good roof over her head..you are NOT responsible for her happiness”. Wow..that helped. I put mom in assisted..I held back on daily visits. she adjusted quickly and now loves it there …she likes being with people her age..and is no longer lonely! I visit 3x weekly and take her out for rides, ice cream etc. Good Luck…
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BurntCaregiver has it right. I would add that before you take these steps, be sure to have all yours/hers financials and legal documents (wills/trusts/POA/HCP) in place. This is imperative. If you don't have this done, contact a good elder care attorney to do it asap. Lastly, would you consider hiring in home care as a transition to a nursing home? This will give you a much deserved break while still keeping your wife safe at home. You don't offer much more info about her condition or if other family members are involved - but we are all here for you as your story unfolds.
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Here's a scenario that you may not have thought of. Say you continue to care for her and worse case you pass? Would she know what to do?

You're probably looking for justification into making the decision for placement. I think you know what you have and need to do.

Blessings to both of you.
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