I am not good at being an adult and I do blame my mother which is exactly what a person like me would say. I'm so very confused, angry, sad and shocked at this. She dismisses my feelings all the time, at least I think she does. I'm no prize and I do have teenage kids. Im very in touch with their feelings but not so good at being strict. I'm thankful my ex husband is more disciplined with them. Because my mother didn't like or acknowledge my feelings I'm hyper vigilant about my kids' feelings. My mother has no bounderies. She mother's my kids and mom shames me in passive aggressive ways. Once I said " those are my kids!" and she said " those are my kids too! I've been there since day one!"
I'm furious and have told her this for about 5 years straight. She still treats her kids like we are 12 years old. We're all so dysfunctional that 3 of her 5 kids live with her and she loves it. I'm 54 years old and if I spent the night at a friend's when I came home she'd ignore me for 2 days not even look at me until she got over it. I asked her why recently and she said " well in my day that wasn't acceptable". My mother is 87. She's not a bad person and healthy and sharp minded. If I thought she was weak or frail I'd try more to let her comments go. She is in denial about everything. That her kids are grown and don't need her in the same ways, that she's 87, that it's the year 2020 and things have changed. I have so much more to say but I get frustrated and think why bother no one can help me with this so I usually never finish my griping. Two last things. My mother never took any responsibility for choosing to ignore I was raped and made me feel like an alien because of severe depression and eventual addiction but also she never told my beloved very compassionate dad what happened to me. I believe he would've helped me but I don't know because mother controlled everything in her passive aggressive way. I adored my dad. Secondly and lastly and totally my bad decisions have put me back in her home. I should be self sufficient and financially capable of moving out with my kids and stand on my own two feet right. Well I'm not. My mother wants me to need her like a child would. She made all my decisions for me and is weirdly obsessed with me and its damaging me which in turn damages my kids. She is very stubborn and meaner as she ages. Last week she asked me if I needed her help moving heavy furniture? She has this sense of self importance and refuses to treat me like an adult and I fully believe that's why I'm not good at being an adult. I'm a wreck and trying to move out. Comments bad as well as good. Btw I've been sober for many years now. Thanks for listening.
Try to accept that she will never change at this point. What you see is what you get. It’s now up to you to develop coping mechanisms to ignore her responses and stop expecting that she will agree with you or suddenly change into the loving mother you want. She doesn’t have it to give. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
You live with her now. This makes you vulnerable not only to her but the pressure of your siblings too. Set a goal or date for yourself to leave. Save up money & move out. By coming back to live with her you’ve vindicated her (whether you realize that or not) & she now feels she owns you. She is manipulating you due to your vulnerability. Move out or it won’t stop.
Seek therapy to talk out your past issues. You’ve come a long way maintaining your sobriety. That’s a huge accomplishment. No matter your past sins- you are starting to come back from a bad place. Give yourself credit for this. Don’t allow her or anyone to bring you down. You’re in a bad place now. Life has its ups and downs. You’ll get through this. We can only control ourselves.
I’m sorry about the rape and that your mother refused to acknowledge this. That must have been terrible. But don’t set yourself up for more heartbreak with “coulda, woulda, shoulda”, nor expect any recognition of your pain from your family. You are stronger than you think. Best of luck to you.
When we experience trauma development stops. You were raped at 14, your ability to develop was retarded by the actions of your sister's husband. Your mother's actions further impacted your development and I am sure is having a negative impact on your children.
It is incredibly hard to start over with nothing and it is harder still to work through the trauma and recognize that you have value, simple because you exist. Until you believe in yourself, you will not progress in therapy and will continue to be a broken 14 year old girl. I am not trying to be harsh, I was not raped, but was sexually assaulted by a man who was like a grandfather to me when I was 13 years old. It has had a life long impact on me.
You need to get away from your mother. You know she does not have your best interests at heart, possibly she is a Narcissist. You need to get your kids away from her too. Can you kids go live full time with their Dad while you get yourself sorted out?
And I'm sorry that your mom chose to be in denial about your rape when you were just a child. It obviously was easier for her to deal with, by not allowing herself to feel the pain that it caused you. But she was wrong. You deserved so much better. But you can't live in the past. you must move forward, and at some point that will probably include forgiving your mom for her not being there for you, when you needed her the most. Will that be easy? No, but I can tell you first hand that it can be done. My father sexually abused me for over 11 years, and my mother knew about it, and chose to ignore it(sweep it under the rug, as another poster said) as that was the only way she knew how to deal with it. I was angry at her for years, for not protecting me, especially after I became a mother myself, and knew that I would do whatever it took to protect my own children. But over time as I began to deal with my abuse, God began to put on my heart that I needed to forgive not only my mother, but my father as well. I toyed with the idea for quite some time, before I actually felt in my heart that I could forgive them both and really mean it. It was like a great weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Now in my case, my forgiving them did not mean that I wanted to have any type of relationship with them, as I knew that for my real healing(and my mental health) that I had to remove them from my life. Which I did. You might have to do the same thing when this is all said and done. You have to do whatever is best for you and your children. You can do it! You've already proven that you have the strength, when you beat your addiction. Now it's time to prove to yourself that you have what it takes to get your life back in order, away from your moms home. God bless you and give you His strength.
As sharp and healthy as you say your mother is now, things could go south rapidly at her age. What you do NOT want is to be in the position of being her caregiver.
So what you need to do know is to make plans to move out ASAP. Do you work? Does your mother provide free room and board to the 3 of you who are living with her?