My mother-in-law (90yo) has been healthy most of life. She does favor her 2 daughters over her 3 sons. Of her 3 sons, she has a good relationship with her 2 still single sons, but recently began treating my husband distantly. Admittedly, she never embraced our marriage because I'm Hispanic and Catholic. But we've maintained a polite and cordial relationship. When she visits her children, she stays weeks at a time with them and we barely get a 24-hr. visit from her. My husband and I have been married 30 years and have tried several times. She loves our money and paying for her vacation trips to Europe. Our family is the only family carrying the last name (grandson and great grandson). Due to her health, her family is moving her out of the home into a place near her daughter. My MIL has decided to redo her will and distribute her estate. All the other 4 children are receiving huge inheritances, even her other grandchildren and great grandchildren are receiving their inheritances, my husband, our 4 children, and our grandchildren are receiving nothing. My husband is extremely hurt by her actions. She's being downright mean to his face now. His siblings are aware and observed this interaction but do nothing. Out of her 5 children, we're the family with the financial means to pay for her care. His siblings have relied on us throughout the years (one brother in prison, one brother in bankruptcy, one sister with minimum wage job, another sister married to a minister). How do we go forward with her care when she's being cruel to her son (my husband) and knowing that we're not going to inherit anything from her estate because it's being divided up to the other 4 children to the exclusion of her other son, my husband?

Here she was, a wealthy woman, and you were paying for her vacations?
It is almost like telling someone "I am a punching bag. Hit me", and the old bat did so.
We tell people who we are. We should'nt be surprised when they believe us.
People usually treat us according to how we value our own worth.
And then there's this! Maybe MIL simply isn't a very nice woman? I've met a few who aren't Saints.

By supporting your MIL in so many ways you have clearly signaled that you are comfortable financially and able to support yourselves as well as gift other family members.

I have an instance of this coming right round the bend in my own friend/family family. I know someone who is in 90s and who has distributed her estate unevenly "because" she feels
A) one sibling NEEDS more, worked harder, was more devoted, less needy.
B) other two siblings are financially very comfortable and/or were helped in past (with buying home or in times of hardship.)
The child who is getting more in the above mentioned screnario is also the child who is executor.
I kind of shudder to think what the outcome will be on the elder's death, because there is going to be hurt, which often manifests as anger. I worry for the siblings.
At least in YOUR case you already know.

There is little to be done about being the "child less favored". At this point, at this age, your MIL is still apparently all invested in her money--sad, that. If I were you, knowing what you know, it is time to invest your own monies for your own aging process, and stop supporting Mom who clearly doesn't need it.
As you already said, she didn't want you two married. She suffers, sadly from prejudice; as my old Irish RN used to say "Things change one coffin at a time". Hers is just around the bend. You have been cordial, but there's been no-love-lost as they said.
Soon she and all her dislikes will be gone. And you and your loving hubby still here. She didn't change you, didn't ruin you. Celebrate!

And I would let this go.
What possible good can come of discussing it?
Your hubby has had a long history with his family. He knows them. He has a good wife, a good life. He is the lucky one. If he brings this up to mourn it simply listen to him and say "You KNOW who you are; you don't need her to tell you! I know who you are, and that is what is important; I thank you for chosing me over her and the carrot of a bundle of cash she's always wanted you to chase".
As to mommy-dearest? Send flowers. Send sweet cards. Be polite. See her as seldom as possible.
She will soon be gone.

I learned very late in life a very painful lesson in having to let go of something I could not understand. If you don't, it will eat you from the inside out. When you let it fly it is a HUGE relief.
You let things go FOR YOURSELF.

There is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING the siblings can do about this. It's too bad, to be honest, there is any knowledge of it at all. Let it go. As Dr Laura always says, "Just be polite. Move on". Why marinate in something you
A) cannot do anything about
B) do not know the answer to
C) may be LUCKY in not knowing it
D) have no need of having.
E) could change future polite relationships with the inlaws.

Good luck. You have a good hubby, and good kids and are comfortable. CELEBRATE. In my book you have it ALL.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to AlvaDeer

You should not be paying for her care .
Your mother in laws money should be used for her care and if she runs out of money then she goes on Medicaid . Her properties also be sold to pay for her care if necessary . it sounds as if perhaps preserving inheritance is the goal here . Perhaps she has things tied up in an irrevocable trust otherwise you would not be talking about using your own money for her care . There is a five year look back for Medicaid . Do not sign anything at a facility making you or your husband guarantor , this would make you responsible for her bills.

If the woman has a huge estate, you and your husband should not give her one dime towards her care. There is no reason .

You need your money for your own retirement.

As far as dementia , it’s quite possible at her age . She may have lost her filter and her bigotry is front and center .

Your husband you and your family should ignore this woman if she is being cruel , nasty and mean .
Inheritance is never guaranteed .

I also don’t understand if she has a huge estate , why you were paying for her vacations to Europe. Stop giving her money for any reason . Obviously trying to buy her approval has not worked.
Stop helping out siblings with money as well .

You and your husband have been too generous with a bunch of free loaders who have no problem taking your money , and you get treated badly or with indifference. I’d drop this whole family like a hot potato and have your husband go to therapy to help him with the hurt , and to deal with rejection and being taken advantage of and the fact that he gives money away looking for approval from these people.

I’m sorry that these people are horrible to your husband and you .

I know how this can be . I was raised Catholic , married a Jewish man . I was never accepted . My father in law divorced and married his second wife . They gave her Jewish grandchildren money for college , our children nothing .

The second wife died and father in law slighted his own two sons in his will giving more to his steps . And my husband and I were the ones that made sure he was safe and got the care he needed when he had dementia .
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to waytomisery

You should not be paying for her care, here is what happened to me.

There is my brother and I, he never had much money, worked hard but never made much. Me, I was fortunate and had a well paying career.

I did everything for my mother, he did little until recent years as I stopped talking to her 13 years ago due to verbal abuse.

Around that time she announced she was not including me in her will as "I had enough", so you see although I did the most she determined I did not need any money.

Actually, I do not, however what she said deeply hurt me as she actually was saying "You don't matter to me"!

So that was that, no more money from me, no more anything I was tired of being the scapegoat. It came to a head when she wanted me to pay for a luncheon for her friend, I said no, she told me to "F" off...ok so I did.

You do not go forward with her care, she should be paying her own way. Stop being the bank for the rest of the family, let them find their own way.

The ball is in your court, your husband needs to stand up for himself.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to MeDolly
anonymous1768885 Jun 13, 2024
"Actually, I do not, however what she said deeply hurt me as she actually was saying "You don't matter to me"!"

This - 1000%
See 1 more reply
It doesn't really make sense that you would be paying for her care when she has enough of an estate to divide it up for the family in a will. Perhaps there is a misunderstanding here that your husband is willing to pay for her care so that there will be an inheritance for others. Perhaps your husband should let her know he will no longer give her any money or help his siblings financially, that it's time to use her own funds on herself, and time for your husband to plan the future well being of his own family. As for being mean to your husband, simply don't interact with her. She seems to be surrounded with other family who she prefers.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to ArtistDaughter
Metus489 Jun 18, 2024
Perfect response, ArtistDaughter. That's exactly what the supporting yet dismissed family should do. Seems like the one who is always or usually there with help is the one who is treated the worst. You are being honorable for what your branch of the family is doing.
There is no reason to pay for her care. Even if she had no money this would be true, but it’s all the more true as she does have funds. Her money pays for her care, that simple. Your husband needs to stand up to her and his siblings on this. Your own family has a future to plan and provide for, that’s what your money should go toward. Don’t be trapped by thoughts of what money the siblings have or don’t have, that’s not on you. Dementia is more likely with each passing day at her age, having a neurologist test her is the definitive way to way. Meanness is a symptom among many possible ones. Ultimately you’ll have to accept, with sadness, this is who she’s become, or perhaps who she always was and old age has removed the filters formerly preventing her from showing her true colors. I’m sorry for your hurt in this
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Reply to Daughterof1930

Let her Pay for her Own care . if she has Money she Can take care of herself . Why let a vindictive person Hurt you and use you ? Wake up and smell the coffee - this is highly Manipulative controlling Behavior. You owe her Nothing .
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to KNance72

Let the others kids handle everything from now on and just call or visit when you feel like it.
I think it’s terrible when mothers treat their children differently
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Reply to Jada824

"How do we go forward with her care when she's being cruel to her son (my husband)..."?

Your MIL should have been paying for her own care all along, so if you and your husband are paying for anything, STOP. If you're doing any hands on caregiving, stop that too.

No reason to sacrifice yourselves to a cruel ingrate. From reading your post, it sounds like MIL has been cruel to you and your husband for years, only now it's become more obvious.

People who have to be paid off to show you any consideration are users pure and simple. Cut off the gravy train and stop dancing to their tune.

Stop having ANY expectations of other people, and you'll be much happier.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Dogwood63
Moondancer Jun 18, 2024
Years ago when it was suggested to me to stop having expectations of people, I was aghast. I slowly modified my beliefs, also trying to integrate "unconditional love" into the formula.
I dealt with a narcissist mother way before it was so commonly talked about. She died at 62 when I was only 37.
I'm still working on myself at almost 81 but a couple years ago when I almost totally stopped having expectations of people, my life got a heck of a lot easier. Problem is, if you live with or are married to someone and/or are a caretaker, it's really hard not to have some expectations.
I've had chronic illnesses for a number of years and it is really hard not to get wrapped up in one's own maladies and lose sight of an attitude of expectation or entitlements.
I love the "tough love" attitude of this forum.
Stop ENABLING her. Take that money you pay for her care and trips put it towards your children or your retirement.

Rudeness isn't acceptable from anyone. Maybe treating her as she treats you might do something but I don't think so. She might think that you don't need any of the inheritance because you are doing everything for her. That the others need it more.

As I said before STOP ENABLING HER. She would have to use her finances to pay for her care and trips. She may realize what you put out for her but I wouldn't hold my breath. Also be prepared for her and them to call you all kinds of names.

It isn't your responsibility to pay for her.

Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Babs2013

You don't go forward with her care. Neither you or your husband does a damn thing more for her and you certainly DO NOT pay one thin dime for her "care" or anything else for that matter.

I know what your husband feels like because my family is similar. My mother always treated me differently. I was the scapegoat for everything wrong in the world. I was the one she bullied, berated, belittled, manipulated and "fed" off because she's an emotional vampire. Because of all this, I tried the hardest with her. That happens so often in abusive families. One day I said no more. I am done. I think this is what you and your husband have to do to. My mother has homecare now.

I did caregiver work for 25 years and will not do for my mother. I own a homecare business and her hired help does not come from my agency. I won't take a chance and use my own people who are the best and I trust completely because I know she will try to cause trouble for the business. She can't cause trouble for me in any other way and I know she'd try. I really think your husband and you should just write his mother off.

Your husband should tell his mother now that if she changes her will like that, both of you will consider her already dead. Don't do anymore for her and don't pay for anymore either. Spend the money you've been shelling out for her on something nice for the two of you. A luxury vacation or a new car. Whatever you want.

Your MIL may have dementia, she may not. From what you say, she always treated your husband like she does. Same with my mother. Add dementia and that just makes the already existing behavior worse.

Write her off. I certainly would.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to BurntCaregiver

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