Every year since 2021, I've re-applied for her to obtain Medicaid. Every year we go through the same process of pages and pages of forms to complete, an in-person interview, and then she is summarily denied. She makes a total of around $1300 a month from SSA and the VA (they cancelled her SSI because she found a place that gave her a discount on rent and then said that because of that she no longer qualified for SSI. We appealed, they refused to reinstate her. I was able to find her some additional income from the VA because my father was a vet, so she qualified for a small amount as a veteran's widow. Without the VA income, she would only be getting around $800 a month from SSA, not enough to rent or pay for her utilities, groceries, or OTC medications. I guess they just expect her to die. I've had to go almost completely no-contact because she is a paranoid narcissist with dementia or possibly schizophrenia. (I can no longer take the abuse, which is both mental and verbal. She has tried to put herself between my husband and I for over 25 years--I"m lucky I'm still married. She also tried to convince my children that I was cheating on my husband and she accuses me of having an affairs and refuses to believe otherwise, even when my husband, siblings, and adult children tell her it's a lie.) Her primary physician even tried to help us with this situation, but Medicaid still denied her. She's living in a little house next door to ours and paying $600 for rent (includes utilities). That barely leaves her enough to get by on at around $700 a month. I'm so exhausted and stressed out. I have multiple disabilities myself, and I was recently diagnosed with Alpha-Gal syndrome, too. I have my own issues to deal with and I can't carry the mental load of caring for her. It's tearing me up, and therapy doesn't help at all. I've tried to find someplace that would take her in since she has mental issues and I know for a fact that she's self-medicating. Medicaid insists that as long as she is able to: bathe herself, dress herself, feed herself, toilet herself, and walk by herself, they do not need to either provide her with any financial or medical assistance. Without Medicaid, I can't afford to have her institutionalized. I looked into it, and it's over $4,000 a month. No way we can afford it, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to assume that expense because she has been making my life hell for the last 25-30 years (since my father died and left her penniless). I've already looked into EVERY available avenue to obtain assistance for her, including ALL of the available non-profit options that are not affiliated with Medicaid. NONE will help. What do I do at this point? She can't drive, so she saves up her errands and takes an Uber about 1-2 times a week at around $8 per trip. At least I no longer have to transport her, as that was a horror I would never want to inflict upon myself ever again.
You should check your states website to contact your local Area Agency on Aging (some states and counties may refer to it by other names). They will be able to help evaluate your mom and assist with getting her the government assistance programs she is eligible for. If you were in Pennsylvania it would be a bit easier as there is one website to determine eligibility for assistance programs such as others have mentioned (i.e. SNAP (food stamps), Section 8 (housing or waivers), prescription drug assistance).
I'm so sorry you are in this stressful position with your mother.
Bear with me, because I'm not a Medicaid expert, but from what I understand, Medicaid pays for certain cares, such as activities of daily living, which you have detailed, and/or long term care for chronic condition or disability, which Medicaid has determined she does not require. It seems to me a mental health issue qualifies as a disability. Does she have a doctor's diagnosis for a mental health condition which is disabling for her? Perhaps Medicaid would approve funding if she were in a suitable care facility. They haven't approved because she doesn't have any Medicaid eligible expenses currently for them to pay. They don't just give cash benefits. If she were in a care facility, that would be a Medicaid eligible expense.
I wish you would give yourself a break from worrying about her welfare. She is a grown woman who is able to walk, bathe, dress, feed and toilet herself. She takes an Uber and goes shopping once a week. She sounds perfectly able to manage her own life, even if it is a struggle for her financially. Her financial situation is a result of her own life decisions and life planning. If she had no plan for financial security in her 90's, then she is going to have to figure out how to get by on very little.
You still have a chance to take care of yourself and plan for your financial future.
Please, take care of yourself first. Any energy you have left over for others, you can give to her as you wish.
I suggest you also speak to a dept manager at Medicaid.
Or find an advocacy group to assist you through this process.
Never ever co-mingle your money with hers.
Gena / Touch Matters
Look to see if you have something like our Region 10, (Montrose/Delta County) senior resources ( you can google them), we managed to get my parents involved with the local Long term Medicaid/PACE program. My dad recently passed and now PACE is helping just Mom. Still issues with my mom, and paperwork, but it is better.
"Medicaid insists that as long as she is able to: bathe herself, dress herself, feed herself, toilet herself, and walk by herself, they do not need to either provide her with any financial or medical assistance."
So what do you do for Mom that she can't do for herself. Do you get an order from her doctor that she needs care and why?
You make mention of your own income. Please, NEVER use your own funds. If you do this it is a certainty that you will not have sufficient funds for your own old age, and this will play out again with you the leading star. It takes a life time of good luck, good jobs, good savings habits to come to the end with enough to be "self-insured".
Do get good advice here about option. That will tell you how to proceed. If Mom is mentally able to stay home then hired help is perhaps the way to go, keeping excellent records of expenditures is critical for any future applications to Medicaid. You have decisions to make as to how much care you yourself can/wish to provide.
I sure wish you the best of luck. This is such tough stuff to negotiate.
You may be able to get Meals on Wheels delivered to her, if you haven't checked there yet.
Have you looked at Section 8 or low-income senior housing, and SNAP?
I agree with you going no-contact as much as possible. Very difficult when she's next door, though, I know. I suggest that you call Adult Protective Services and tell them you cannot provide care anymore due to your own health issues and that she is a vulnerable 94-year-old living alone. Be prepared to call 911 if she's having serious trouble. That might get her an in-person medical evaluation that she isn't safe at home alone.
Good luck.