Why is there such resistance to Nursing Homes or Assisted Living Facilities?

I'm struggling with this exact thing with my mother. She is 83, depressed, has dementia, has been diagnosed with diabetes, refuses to eat well, and shops to fill the void inside. She insists there is nothing wrong. She should not be driving. She refuses to go to a neurologist to get diagnosed, and complains about how lonely she is, yet won't move into one of the several lovely AL facilities nearby that we've toured time and again. Facilities with LOTS of things to do. She is drawing down the investments my father worked a lifetime to save for, and spending it on clothing that she already has. She goes shopping every day to get out of the house. She thinks my brother and I are tring to put her into a nursing home. All we want for her is an improved quality of life. It's such a big, confusing mess. She doesn't care about improving her life. She is one big "woe is me", difficult person to deal with.

Take the main plug coil loose from the engine. It won't start and she wont drive. The car is broke and cannot be fixed and she cannot go shopping. Quit trying to figure out why she/they dont want to go to NH/AL and figure out how to keep her/them still.

Hi Doates,

You may have to find a way to stop the shopping or she will be out of money for any home health or facility care, plus have a huge cluttered mess as it progresses into hoarding if it hasn't already. You could start returning clothes she forgets she has bought, maybe? Legally speaking, it sounds like you need a power of attorney or even guardianship.

But, I did not answer your real question, Why? Because instinctively people know that giving up driving and giving up their home are great big steps closer to losing everything they have. It may be inevitable, but who wants to admit it? And who wants to go to a doctor to have it confirmed?

There are also agencies that come into the home and maybe even get people to day centers, if she can have that much autonomy it might be good.

I am an only child had to make the decision that the medical people were right and my mom could no longer be expected to return home after two years in various facilities trying to rehab, and then actually empty out and sell the house for her. It was awful. I hope you have more help and I hope there is a way for you and your mom to be happy. My mom is soemtimes happy and enjoys our visits, etc., but she still just kind of tactily assumes, even after three years of being unable to care for herself or mobilize, she will still return home to live independently someday. She is not reallyaware of how long it has been - she has pretty bad vascular dementia and diabetes too. I wish it was easier.

My father had vascular dementia for several years after several small strokes....I could see him slipping little by little. When my mother was still alive, I kept trying to convince them to move to assisted living or at least an apartment that was mangeable for them. They kept saying "but everything is convenient here" to which I would reply " but not anymore....you cannot even walk down the basement to do laundry without breaking your neck, you can no longer walk to the corner grocery store, mom has CHF and fills up with fluid every 2-3 months and you have to call 911....you two are NOT well enough to live alone in this house." Mom keeled over dead suddenly at home from a massive MI when dad was at a NH for rehab for yet another stroke. When he returned home, he was dismayed to discover that he could NOT manage alone. When he stopped paying his bills and getting confused about time/place/person, I just had to step in and take over, whether he wanted it or not. I got him placed in an assisted living home just in the nick of time....he was so confused that he did not even remember that I had stopped at his house an hour before....he kept telling people that I had not arrived yet. My half brother (an attorney) was totally useless in this whole thing, because he could not EMOTIONALLY deal with the fact that dad was losing it. So, I single-handedly orchestrated everything. It was a very stressful period of my life.

It does make me very angry that parents force the hand of their adult children in this regard....I think they are being very selfish. If they did more advance planning and gradual downsizing of their lives, it would be an easy transition for everyone, and they would have some "choice" in their living arrangements, instead being forced out when they become totally incompetent to handle their own affairs.

As for me, I already have a headstone laid for my husband and I back in the state where we were born, next to my parents' graves so that nobody is burdened by having to take care of this for us. I took care of this matter when I was about 45. Wish more people would do the same to reduce the burden on their relatives.

doates,

Do you have durable POA? If so, your mother's doctor must evaluate her for a determination if she is competent to conduct her own business in a business like manner, (which her retail therapy already shows she is not capable of), Once you have such a written statement on the doctor's letterhead, then it is time to take over your mom's bills ect. for her own financial protection. Her doctor also needs to tell her that now is the time for her to trust you. Does your mother feel depressed after she does all of that spending and realizes how much money she spent? Has she ever used retail therapy like this before in her life?

Do you have medical POA. I sure hope so because, the above will be much easier to get going and the doctor will be at liberty to talk with her about her health with it.

If not, then both the good and bad news is that your mother must have protection from herself and if she has not set up legal means for someone like yourself to step in, then someone must file for guardianship with is very painful, humiliating, etc.