Why such a strong aversion to visiting mom in the nursing home? I have to send firm language emails to staff who do not do their job. Any advice?

"I just hate constantly staying on them about, why is her head greasy, why is she still in bed, are you seeing to it that her teeth are brushed, she has clothing—why is she in a hospital gown, etc. I feel like a parent and a boss rolled into one. It is just easier to not visit often."

I'm confused. Does she have a personal, private nurse that comes to take care of her in addition to the CNAs and nurses at the facility? Because while I understand the legitimacy of your questions to an extent - you do understand that your mother is not their only patient right? They cannot wait around all day for her to agree to get a shower or get out of bed or get her teeth brushed or get dressed. If she refuses to do so - they have to move on to their next patient. They cannot force her to get out of bed.

And if they did force her - you would be here railing about the fact that the facility is forcing your mother against her will to get out of bed everyday and you just want them to let her do what she wants to do and you don't understand why they are such tyrants.

They should provide a certain level of care - absolutely. But you yourself said that she is in a good facility. She is not neglected. So clearly they are taking care of her. Just not to the standards that you would take care of her. And that is the issue. NO ONE is going to take care of her the way that you would. BUT if you could take care of her - she would be in your home.

Is it possible that you resent having to step in and take care of these things - especially because of the situation with your brother. And the fact that they aren't taking care of her the way you would gets on your nerves, because they have other patients. And you are still trying to get your mother's approval by continuing to go to bat for her? Is she not able to advocate for herself at all? To tell them she wants to take a shower, she wants to get up and get dressed or brush her teeth? Because most places have a schedule - rounds. They encourage each resident to do exactly those things every day.

You don't have to constantly stay on them to do what they already do everyday. Its entirely possible that they ARE attempting to do those things -but that your MOTHER is the one choosing not to do them. And by "constantly staying on them" you are not likely making any allies. If you are constantly in their faces telling them what they are doing wrong - it is probably better if you aren't visiting all of the time - because they are better able to do their jobs without the outside interference - as long as they are doing what they need to do to take care of her.

...

Is "mom" in a "nursing home aka Skilled Nursing facility or is she in Assisted Living or Memory Care?
Since you have no info in your profile as to what level of needs your mom has some answers might be different.
In the State of Illinois the requirement is that a person be showered 2 times a week. Check your State to determine what the minimum requirement is.
Now a CNA can not "force" a person to shower.
They can not "force" a person to get up out of bed nor can they "force" a person to get dressed.
They can not "force" a person to eat, to join the rest of the residents.
Many staff have ways to get someone to get up, get a shower, get dressed but they may have to leave 1 resistant person and get back to them later.

Rather than emailing and coming off as "*itchy" when you do visit greet the staff, thank them for the care they are giving to all the residents. Smile, say good morning or good afternoon. Say good bye when you leave.
As my Grandma used to say..you catch more flies with honey then vinegar.

In my experience I HAVE found the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Sad is that way, but it just is

When my dad was in care a few years back I was there quite a bit to keep an eye on the care but also to let them know I may show up at any time,

Unfortunately, in a way, I think my dad did get a bit better attention that way, but just the way I found it. Yes, because of that maybe others received less care, though to be honest I tried to keep an eye on other patients in the hall too and tried to make sure they got help. And YES, I know this is not the norm, but much of the time I found aids at the end of a hall playing on their devices. Min wage or not, that is not acceptable and I blame the management for not keeping an eye on that.

The whole industry is a mess. Just finished an old John Grisham book, Camino Winds, that reminded me of the abuse in this industry. Not that the abuse is like that in the Grisham book, but it reminded me of the issues.

Based on my mother’s years in a NH, I’d bet the emails are only a minor annoyance to the person receiving them and aren’t effective at all in any real or lasting change. My mother received good care, with kindness and compassion, but I have no illusions that all was perfect. The workers are chronically short staffed and the work itself is often hard, physical labor. There’s a high incidence of injury among CNA’s. What every resident in every kind of managed care setting needs is regular visits from people who will advocate and ensure their care is good. This doesn’t happen by criticism, though that’s sometimes warranted, but more often by kindness to the staff and showing them that the resident is a person who is cared for and valued. It rubs off on them to care more also, and taking some doughnuts or cookies or a basket of anything nice occasionally never hurts. Everyone likes feeling appreciated

You may need to meet with the social worker and the nursing director to voice your concerns. Some nursing homes have a beauty shop or a person that comes in regularly to provide some salon services such as hair care, ask the social worker about this service. Another time in which you can voice your concerns is at a care plan meeting.

My DD is an RN and when my Mom started in care I was told to pick my battles. Mom will never be taken care of like you would have. Like said, she may have refused a shower, getting out of bed and dressing. By law, she can't be forced. There is a shortage of CNAs so they must move on to other residents. I will tell you, the sqeaky wheel does not always get the grease. Sometimes aides just ignore a family member who does nothing but complain. They don't get paid enough. Find out what an aide on day shift has to do in the morning. Go with your complaints to the DON.

“….get out of this industry…”.

A sensible, functional admonition. I’m sure there are at least 10 applicants at a really high level of competence just waiting to fill each of those slots, hurrying to empty the bedpans at minimum wage.

Oh, wait……

Miss Pearl, have you called the admins where your mom is, and ararnged a care conference where you can present them with a list of concerns that you have regarding your Mom's care?

Have they had such a conference with you? And how did it go?

You sound like a genuinely awful, micromanaging, controlling sort. Not surprised Mom chose brother over you. Nursing Home patients have the right to refuse care.

Are Happygo50 and Misspearl the same person?

There are many hours in the day. You are not able to cover them all.

Try to relax, mom can refuse any care that is offered and staff must respect her decision even if she is incapacitated.

If you feel she's in a nice clean facility, why do you feel the need to micromanage the workers and call them loafers?