Any thoughts on why so many of our parents have the 'sense of entitlement' when it comes to us doing the caregiving?

Then you still need to be her caregiver, but you can put her into a nice home. If she doesn't have any money you can apply for Medicaid. I had to do that. It was difficult to do but I finally got approved for it. She feels entitled because she raised you. Yes. you do owe it to her to see that she is cared for, but you don't have to ruin your own life to do it. You can take steps to put her in a home. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because I loved my husband and still do.

I wrestle with this particular question daily, now that my 79 year old mother can barely get out of bed due to a severe stroke and is wielding an onslaught of entitlement over me and my niece (who take on the majority of her care). I know in the case of my mother, we are dealing with some vascular dementia issues as well...but the narcissism is completely swirling out of control and takes us all on a very unpleasant journey. I limit the time my kids spend with her now, as before my father passed and before her stroke she was an amazing influence and grandmother...and now she can be be downright mean to them if the conversation isn't focused on HER. The minute my mother sees me, its a barrage of negativity...as she seems to place the reason she can't move the left side of her body on ME. I'm POA, and its another full time job...on top of the one I already have, and my kids, husband, life,etc. All she wanted was to "come home" to her house, which I have made happen...and all she is, all day every day, is miserable. Its thrown my into therapy, and thrown my life into disarray.

greatqson, I'm glad you were able to care for your great grandmother whom you loved. But please keep in mind that some people think they are entitled, when they DID NOT earn that right. When they neglected, when they abused...What security are you talking about here? After all, you could argue that someone sentenced to prison has "security", but why would they feel grateful?

From the time my mother died (I was age 11) I was raised by my great grandmother, she had to be 80 years then. She had already had 1 stroke and would have two more before she passed. We did not always see eye-to-eye on everything but there was never any doubt she loved me. I considered it a privalage to care for her. They feel entitled because they've earned that right. You grew up with security provided by them all they want is a little reciprocity.

Having loving and considerate parents is a blessing for sure. Unfortunately not all of us are that blessed. My mother has lived her life in self pity and my older sister became HER mother. Mom never learned how. Dad was a womanizer and had no thought about the children he was leaving at home with a stepmother who had no problem spewing her hate for us. The positive in this is it made me realize early on to cherish my children. Not to belittle them and respect each of their personalities. Both of my parents are in nursing homes and still display the same old behaviour and attitude.

My mother certainly is not a viper, whatever that is. She is a wonderful person. She is a nice lady and a good mother who just happened to have a stroke that caused dementia. But a bad person, no way.

Jessie, I also think back to what my parents were doing when they were my age, and it makes me want to spit nails. They also were traveling, yada, yada, yada, and never needed to care for their parents.

And in my family I am the only related Caregiver because I am an only child who never had any children.... [sigh]. In fact, most of my friends growing up were only children who got married and also never had children.

My mom has always been a miser. Her excuse when it came to spending money was everything that belonged to her and dad was to be saved for their "nursing home". So don't ever assume any of their money was meant for their two kids. My parents contributed zero to my education, wedding or anything in my life, ever. It was saved for the nursing home.

Now at 84 she is still living in her home, sitting on her pile of money, and feeling entitled to everything for free. Complaining about every penny she has to spend. But her money is for her nursing home.

So that is what she gets. She is entitled to it. ;)

Jessebelle you had me smiling. You hit the nail on the head! Hubby and I (he is 70 and I am 66) talk about vacations but as long as I am the only sibling looking after dad's care and financial responsibilities it will not happen. Dad is 91 and though he is in hospice care he is doing much better than I thought he would. He expects a lot from me and doesn't consider our age and health. He thinks I can drop everything and travel the hour and a half to take him a dozen McDonald's chocolate chip cookies. Then an hour and a half back home! I do not want to do this to my children.

littledogtoo, the things you wrote got me to thinking about how things are for people that are 55-70 now. They had their own children that they cared for, then fledged them. The last one might have left the nest when the parent was 50. Then Dad gets sick, then Mom gets sick. We care for one, then we care for another, going through the trauma with each parent. And then -- goodness! -- we're old ourselves. Maybe we care for our spouse as our own health declines. Often it is only one person in a family that does the caregiving so that other people can live their lives without all the extra weight. Then the caregivers realize they never got to go on that trip to Hawaii or that cruise to Alaska, and their golden years are fading fast.

It would be enough to make me sorry for myself, but then I remember that I don't like long plane flights and Alaska sounds mighty cold right now. So maybe it is okay that I'm here with a woman who isn't very pleasant who tells me many times how she enjoyed her trips when she was younger. Grrrr! Sometimes she says things like "When I was your age, we used to go hiking in the mountains." I remind her that at my age she wasn't taking care of her parents.

Someone has to do it. I guess we're a group of the annointed few. Sometimes people tell me that my reward will be great in heaven. I don't know about that -- I can think some really sinful thoughts with the things that go on every day. I think I would have a better chance of going to heaven if I weren't a caregiver!

Many people have responded that they are caring for parents who did not care for nor show their love and support for their children. I am sitting here thinking that hopefully this type parenting will not be continued in future generations of your family. Some of the posts I am reading are so sad! My heart goes out to many of you.

When my mom felt she was a burden i would always say to her, you were there for me all the times I needed help. I had twins who were 3 month premature and my parents were with me every step of the way! I could not have done it without their help. However, once a person becomes defendant on another i think they have expectation that they want met. Some of which are doable and some of which are unrealistic, especially when there are spouses and children that are also in the picture .

So sorry, Learning Curve - please don't tell me what it says in the Bible....because from the Bible, I take it as holding a negative connotation, i.e., Jesus doesn't use it as something good. In fact, he condemns them to hell. Not exactly what I would call the WWII Generation.

I would suggest you actually read what I wrote and not just take a few words of mine out of context. You likened the WWII generation as a Generation of Vipers. That's a serious accusation.

I'm not going to answer you again as I feel this has no place on this board, but the original question was why do 'some' parents have a sense of entitlement" ...

At times I feel I should even participate in subjects like this because there is just no winning against people who feel as you do. Kind of like participating in the conversation with the woman who is 'scared', i.e., she's angry at everyone.

So sorry if I insulted your intelligence and understanding of the Bible, but you have to remember that many of us don't consider our parents as a generation of vipers. Jesus meant it as being derogatory. While I don't like having to care for my mother in this case, I'm certainly not going to allow someone to lump her into a phrase as being a viper.

Litldogtoo: It was Our Lord and Savior that termed the "generation of vipers". There are vipers in every generation. The fact that one was called the greatest by a newsman doesn't make it so.
The fact that all these medical advancements occurred for the most part by this generation to keep us around well after the quality of our lives has past I do NOT believe is a commendable thing. I believe it is purely a money making venture and as any such venture we all suffer for it.
I have no intention of filling the pockets of the wicked so I may stick around past my time. I am not that selfish.

Oh, and one more thing about the Greatest Generation. They had to watch as their world collapsed into what they believed was chaos with the rioting, their sons turning into long haired hippies, and the list goes on.

Today, we, in turn, are watching as our world turns to terror. Given the news these past few days (actually, months) this doesn't sound good.

So, while I am upset my mom is getting older and no longer has the capacity to care for herself, and while I am upset that she says stupid things, does stupid things, and the list goes on, I would never have called her a viper.

We never know how we will be when we get to be 91. My mother's landlord who is 91 also tells me "The 'golden years' aren't so golden". And I remember years ago, Art Linkletter, wrote a book entitled, "Getting old isn't for sissies'.

When I was studying Grief and Bereavement back in the good old days of the year 2000, it struck me just how much our elders lose when they get old. I'd never thought of their losing the ability to read (i.e., loosing their sight) or the ability to drive (i.e., losing their independence); or the ability to even wipe themselves. I mean, gees, coming to you in the next twenty to thirty years.

Right now I'm gathering forms to submit to Medicaid (another horror!) and I'm feeling like I'm going to send my mother to a prison she may never leave. It's not easy and it's certainly not something I wish on my children. But we have the foresight many of them didn't have or didn't even talk about. WWII generation never spoke of death. It was just a taboo subject. And to pre plan their funerals was certainly out of the question, at least the people I knew.

OMG, I left off his name...it's not Tom Brok! I was looking up how to spell it because it didn't seem right. It's Tom Brokaw. Stupid me :)

@frequent - Me, too! Two family houses. I grew up in Massachusetts. There were also what we called 'three deckers', i.e., and if you lived on the top floor of that, you were poorer than those who lived on the first.

And this is funny, but today, the apartments are being turned into condos with each floor going for at least, at least, $350,000 to upwards of millions, depending on location.

And this is the funniest. The top floors are now often called the PENTHOUSES! and are often the most expensive.

While I don't agree with they are the Greatest Generation of Vipers (Tom Brok was talking about the WWII Generation, a generation who never had what we had as their children, i.e., the Baby Boomer Generation those born between 1945 (I believe) and 1964.

The men fought in WWII and they didn't think twice about it. They never spoke of their horrendous experiences, never complained about the PTSD they had to have experienced. When they came home, they got on with their lives. Some went on to college while many went on to factory work.

I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with your labelling them vipers. I'm upset with my mom, too, but she certainly isn't a viper.

My mother had a hard life. She shared a bedroom with at least four sisters all of whom had to share the same bed. Her dad was a carpenter from Canada (btw, the Canadians weren't exactly welcome where she settled). She had twelve brothers and sisters. They lived through the depression years. In those years, children quit school in order to work. Many gave their parents the money to help out just to buy food.

Tom Brokow got it wrong. Not the "Greatest Generation" but possibly "The Greatest Generation of Vipers". Sad when a newscaster sets us all up for heartache.

All of this really hits home with me too.

My grandmother was Polish and the expectation in that day was that your kids would take care of you; that was their duty. She had one son, my father, who couldn't stand her. He was quite mean to her at times, I remember as a kid.

Fast forward and then he wanted and needed the help. He ran my poor sister's life. And they don't realize how much things cost, and so on. He told me he found this woman he used to work with who was now retired and was thinking of asking her to move in with him to help him. I said, 'how much would you pay her?'. He said, "whadya mean? She's getting room and board!". I said that people like that usually expect a real paycheck too. LOL, she cut him off fast!

He finally went to AL. There he drove the staff wild by hitting the call button repeately. And then he became that person who cries, Help me, help me endlessly. Finally one staff member said, Why don't you just shut up...and he did!

I have long term insurance...Hope I can continue to afford it...

With my mother, whatever I do, it's wrong. If I moved in with her, as she wants, she'd think I was "weak". She already calls me "weak" to my face, maybe because she thinks I'm a replica of my father and she thought he was weak. I feel like she's never met me - after nearly 50 years of living in three large cities, at home and abroad, and speaking three languages, I really don't identify with being weak. Anyway if I moved in with her, I'd be "weak" and she feels entitled to treat "weak" people like crap. I don't normally have anything to do with people who describe other people as "weak"; I don't think of other people like that.

Of course, if I don't move in with her and get treated like crap, I'm self-centered and selfish. So whatever I do, it's wrong. Talk about echoes of my childhood, something I don't need or deserve.

By the way, she can't figure out a bus schedule, let alone how to live in a major world city. Maybe it's projection, this "weak" stuff.

Here's something interesting I learned yesterday, after going through some of my parents' files. They kept records of THEIR parents' final arrangements and expenses. I have solid evidence, in my hand, that shows that my parents were responsible in the sense that they provided oversight and managed their parents affairs when they were no longer able to. They did NOT drop their own lives (they both worked full time, and my brother and I were infants up to our teens by the time my maternal grandmother died), they did NOT impoverish themselves or sacrifice their own financial planning. I'm sure it was plenty of stress and sacrifice as it was, just making sure that their parents had the professional care they needed. None of my grandparents had assets, so their care was all Medicaid. Seeing all of this spelled out for me in black and white was reassuring. I realized how entitled my mother feels by comparison.

The commandment to honor thy father and thy mother - I know it's impolitic to say, but I think it's a crock. My parents are two of the least honorable people I've known, and they aren't the only parents in that category by any means. Words in the Bible holds no more weight for me than the words in the Koran, or the writings of Confucius.

Sandwich42, I didn't mean to imply that I haven't succeeded in establishing boundaries, only that my mother still acts completely oblivious to them. I moved 90 miles away and now see her only a day or two a week. I do much more for her than any of my siblings when I'm there, but I do tell her when I don't want to do something she asks. She doesn't like it - she becomes pushy, then whiney, then nasty. And gratitude? Forget it. When her drudge is in the house, she takes full advantage of the fact. That's why I try to never stay there very long.

I think they feel "entitled" because they truly see themselves as the "Greatest Generation" -- unique, special, and deserving for their perceived sacrifices.

I think they feel "entitled" because they truly see themselves as the "Greatest Generation" -- unique, special, and deserving.

Another thought on "honor thy father & mother" thing.... I choose to take its meaning as telling the young to respect the wisdom of the older people who have lived through more than you have. In Bronze-Age times (when the original scrolls were written that ended up in the modern Bible), The old people were 35 or 40 years old. People just didn't live nearly as long as we do now.

But the older folks knew how to farm in bad weather, feed a sick baby, keep the roof from leaking, make the goats keep giving milk, deal with a toothache, know when it's time to migrate and in which direction, where the good fresh water springs were located, etc. Things you needed to know to stay alive. If the young will have the respect to listen and make note, they might learn something and stay alive to see 40 themselves.

CARLACB - I spent 40-something years figuring out that just because my mom treats me like a field hand doesn't mean I have to respond like a field hand. I started saying things like "that's not going to happen, you'll have to figure out something else", I stopped answering the phone if I was busy or didn't feel like talking, and I stopped jumping when she yelled.

Pulling back is a process that takes time. Find one thing you want to stop doing or let go of and just work on that. One thing at a time, one baby step at a time. Mom may never be "retrained", but you can put boundaries in place and get YOURSELF comfortable with having them. You can get the people around you trained that this boundary now exists and begin reclaiming your adult status! You can do it!!

I had another thought about this after talking to one of my sisters, who reminded me that our mother displays a much greater sense of entitlement around me than around her or our other siblings. So what did I do differently from them? I moved to live near Mom in Florida at a time when all other siblings were at least 2 hours away. I think that put the idea in my mother's mind that she is still (or again) the center of my universe, like she was when I was little. I think she truly believes that I have placed myself totally at her service and that there's nothing I wouldn't do to make her happy. I've tried again and again to set boundaries with her, but it rolls off her like water from a duck. She chooses to believe I adore her and would do anything for her, and she's sticking with that story despite the evidence. And, she feels free to treat me like a child, and like a servant. I think my siblings asserted their adult independence by not changing their lives in any material way to help her, and she respects that. She does not respect me, the one who stepped up and took the responsibility because nobody else was willing to do it. Go figure!

I grew up in upstate New York and the city I lived in had street after street of 2 family homes, meaning two separate individual living spaces each with their own front and back door, 2 or 3 bedrooms, 1 full bath, kitchen, large dining room, large living room, front stairwell for the upstairs unit, plus both units opened to a back stairwell, and detached 2 car garage out back.... back in the 1950's, 60's and 70's these homes were very popular.

Thus the parents would live on the main level, and a grown child along with spouse and any kids would live upstairs in their unit. It was a great idea. Of course now a days, people are scattered all over the U.S. because of employment. And getting people to move back into the inner cities, into homes with only one full bath isn't easy. These homes are now white elephants :(

Jessebelle....very good response. We indeed honor our parents by the life we live. Not by being their doormat.

Years ago, this WWII/Korean War Gen had family close by. Many families were large. It was a given that someone in the family either lived upstairs/downstairs/next door and when they (parents) got old, they would be cared for.

I would imagine religion played a large role, i.e., honor thy mother and they father. It was just a given you'd take care of your parents as at the time they were young/middle aged adults, there was basically no place to put them.

Excellent history of hospitals after WWII and how in time they became nursing homes, then came the actual nursing home, which led to assisted living in a book, Being Mortal, Atul Gawande.