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We went to see daddy yesterday and he hurt my feelings again! I was trying to have a good time and keep everything light so I told him if he didn't quit talking so much I was going to have to gag him and he just said f** you and turned away from me. I immediately got up told mom we're leaving and started crying when I got out of his room. Momma just said try not to let it get to you and don't worry about him, and that just coming up once a week would be better for me cause of how he acts towards me. Now I know this is the disease and I know I shouldn't take everything so personally. I don't know - I'm just tired of trying to do anything I can to make his life a little more comfortable even though I know it's not up to me to make him happy. It's just so hard to see him laying there, not even trying to make the best of his situation - he's basically just willing himself to die. I don't know what I'm going to do.

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You will have to work on you, your attitude towards your father, these feelings didn't just start recently, they started when you were a child, you have taken your childhood into adulthood.

He is no longer your Daddy he is your father, your dad...you are an adult...and he is a sick, nasty old man. So now what?

Don't go so often, why set yourself up for this abuse? He is being cared for, the staff will make him as comfortable as they can.

If he wants to die that is his choice, his right of passage, accept that.

I wish you the best, be strong!
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But this situation has now been this way for some time, am I right, Lacey. I have seen Dad use this language before. I think that at one point we did suggest that you simply tell him you are sorry he is having a dreadful day, that you love him, that you wish you could help. And then I would go home. Return another time. I am certain he does wish he could die. I don't see that as an improper wish. He is old and he is sad and he is dying and there is no upside on this at ALL. This is loss after loss and all downhill. Don't expect him to be happy about it. Who would be? So sorry for all the pain, but this situation isn't changing a lot, and your expectations that it can are causing you a lot of pain.
Do remember also that many of us have suggested that you visit less, and for a very brief amount of time. Your visits aren't apparently helping him; not everything can be fixed.
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Laceysterror Sep 28, 2019
Yes, I have realized that my visits apparently aren't making him happy or anything. After the last time he hurt my feelings, I did stay away for about two weeks. I thought that he might miss me, but I never got that impression from him, so I've decided that when I go to see him again, it will only be once a week, maybe twice depending....

But I am just gonna suck it up and take care of myself. I have too many problems of my own and since I have back surgery coming up I need to concentrate on myself.

So thanks again everyone for responding and knocking me upside the head to make me really understand.
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Thanks for explaining your situation.

Okay, I am counting on you having a sense of humor please!

Roll Tide? 😮 OMG! My daughter attends LSU! Bama is our enemy! Louisiana is Tiger country! Haha. Hey, don’t tell my daughter but the your coach (former LSU coach) is a great coach!
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Laceysterror Sep 28, 2019
OMG LSU? I love it! and I love LSU as well - they have been a favorite of mine for a very long time! I love Nick, he's a great coach and did a great job at LSU and is doing a great job at Alabama.

Thank you for making me laugh!!
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Lacey,

I'm curious. What was your relationship with your dad before? You refer to the situation at hand, obviously it is very painful and would hurt anyone.

We all have feelings and do not deserve to be treated poorly. Even if a person is suffering and doesn’t mean to hurt others but rather taking their pain out on others, it still hurts.

We all miss the former person that no longer exists because of a medical issue, illnesses and horrendous diseases. It is perfectly understandable for anyone to feel this way.

You were correct to walk out. You don’t have to go back if you choose not to. You can get updates from your mom. Best wishes to you.
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Laceysterror Sep 28, 2019
Thank you for your post. Our relationship has never been really good, but when he got diagnosed it started getting better. We would sit out on the front porch and have the same conversation every single day lol. He was a bastard before he got sick and had his strokes, but that changed afterwards. Either way, I tried really hard to make sure he knew I loved him because I didn't know how long he'd be here.

I won't be going back up there very often. I will go with my mother if she needs me to, but I doubt I will be going back on my own. The way he's acting - he doesn't deserve my affection.
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I appreciate all of your answers, but maybe I should clarify a few things first.

Daddy is in the VA home close to us. We put him there in February because of dementia and a couple strokes. We had him home for two months and found out first hand that we could not care for him properly.

His language is nothing....we've talked like that forever. It's not shocking to hear him talk like that. We banter back and forth all the time but not so much lately because he has trouble talking. But he really meant it this time and that's what hurt my feelings. He's always been rude and mean all my life so seeing that he meant it is what hurt my feelings.

As for momma, she is NOT compassionate. She never has been, always pessimistic, she has 3 different faces she present - one is to extended family, one to friends and workplace and the other and the worst one is saved for immediate family. She is hateful, spiteful and god forbid you do anything that pisses her off OR you don't do something she wants to do. She does not know how to apologize and it's been like this for as long as I can remember. She and my sister are tickled to death that he's at the VA, They couldn't be happier that he's not at home anymore.

I know for a fact I will never receive an apology from him - for this or for anything that was said to me - I have already had to accept an apology for something he doesn't remember and even though it crushed me, he's never going to tell me he's sorry. So I've basically already done this.

I also already have a therapist that I see two to three times a month. She's helping me learn how to deal with how he treats me and everything else.

There are other reasons as well, which I will not go into right now.

I do appreciate your responses, hope everyone is having a good Saturday. Roll Tide!
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I feel your pain and you don’t deserve it. Sounds like your mom has compassion though. Maybe just keep in touch with mom. Give yourself a break from dad. Sometimes it takes a step back and out of the immediate picture to be able to see exactly what you are dealing with clearly.

Don’t do what I did in the past. I would excuse their behavior or let resentment build. Not a good thing to do! Deal with it in an objective healthy manner. Seek out a good therapist too.

Time will tell if you need to continue in your relationship with your dad. For now, he has your mom. He is not your responsibility. If he gets to be too much for mom you can help her by looking into where is the best place that can assist his needs.
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Why you? Because you keep going back to visit your father, knowing full well what is going to happen! Like Charlie Brown and Lucy with the proverbial football.

Unless you're okay being spoken to in such a vulgar manner, I would tell daddy dearest that I am NOT coming back to visit until and unless he picks up the phone, calls me, and apologizes and MEANS it sincerely. And, if it happens again after an apology, you will get up and leave IMMEDIATELY after such words leave his nasty mouth.

Dementia or not, he has no right to use such language with you and he
needs to be TOLD that.

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start standing UP for yourself instead. You deserve to be treated with respect, so please demand it.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 28, 2019
I love your answer. Her dad may not ever apologize though and I think she has to be willing to acknowledge that.

The people in our family on both sides, husband’s side (his dad) or mine, (mom and brothers) would never, ever apologize to us. They don’t admit to ever being wrong. They justify by blaming others.
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